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    #16
    Re: "Snooping"

    Originally posted by LeviImmortal View Post
    Me personally, If I found evidence of cheating for instance, I wouldn't tell my partner at first. I would be especially sweet and amazing to my partner, manipulate them emotionally, and generally enjoy being one step ahead of them. Eventually, after having my fun, I'd pack their bags while they're at work, sit them by the curb, and change the locks. Obviously if it was a lesser crime, I'd have a different response. General lying, I would confront them with and we could work something out. But cheating when we have knowledged that we are monogamous, is the deal breaker. I don't mind strip clubs, because I'll most likely want to go to them, too.
    I feel like this needs to be a disclaimer, for every relationship you have, before you enter one. You, you are a crazy person. "If you cheat on me, I will manipulate you emotionally and physically, until I'm done having my fun, and then I will leave you in the most hurtful way I can think of."

    Maybe I'm only offended because I'm poly, and my partner can put his dick wherever, but man. You are a crazy person.


    Mostly art.

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      #17
      Re: "Snooping"

      I don't agree with snooping. If you are so distrustful of your partner I don't recommend being in that relationship anymore. And honestly? Porn, strip clubs, etc don't bother me. If I suspected my husband of doing drugs (with the exception of pot because that doesn't bother me either, though tobacco does) I would be getting out. Cheating? It depends. We have a somewhat open relationship. I don't care if he dates other women, I don't care if he sleeps with them, just so long as all parties are aware of the situation and proper STD testing has been done because I'm not risking getting some disease and the chances are exponentially higher the more people you sleep with.
      We are what we are. Nothing more, nothing less. There is good and evil among every kind of people. It's the evil among us who rule now. -Anne Bishop, Daughter of the Blood

      I wondered if he could ever understand that it was a blessing, not a sin, to be graced with more than one love.
      It could be complicated; of course it could be complicated. And it opened one up to the possibility of more pain and loss.
      Still, it was a blessing I would never relinquish. Love, genuine love, was always a cause for joy.
      -Jacqueline Carey, Naamah's Curse

      Service to your fellows is the root of peace.

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        #18
        Re: "Snooping"

        Am I the only person who is okay with snooping?

        I mean... I'm a freakishly honest person. I don't hide anything. Hell, I keep my box of pads out in the open and I announce how many days until my period, or if my breasts are hurting. (Yay uncensored!) I don't do drugs, or anything dangerous... If someone snooped, I wouldn't care as long as they didn't break anything or make it really obvious.

        My father and I (This is an odd relationship) have a system in place. If he suspects anything of me, he is free to go through my belongings. If I am worried about him, I can go through his things. Some people find this really uncomforable like... Doesn't your dad have condoms and sex toys in his room? Well yes. I think most parents do. My dad knows I'm not stupid, or think he's some creature that does not have sexual urges. So, it's not an issue. As long as I'm not announcing outwardly what's in his room, he's fine with the set up we have. So if I started dating and had a partner (especially if they lived in the same home as myself...) I would make it clear that for the relationship to work, they have free reign over my things and I have free reign over theirs. That's trust, in my opinion. If your partner knows ahead of time that you will look into things for safety, then they are less likely to do something that was not agreed on.


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          #19
          Re: "Snooping"

          Shrug, I like my privacy. I also guard it carefully. There are relatively straight forward if long and tedious ways to get information out of me. They amount to gain my trust and ask politely. Short-cutting the procedure tends to end in me taking dramatics steps to prevent further incursions.
          life itself was a lightsaber in his hands; even in the face of treachery and death and hopes gone cold, he burned like a candle in the darkness. Like a star shining in the black eternity of space.

          Yoda: Dark Rendezvous

          "But those men who know anything at all about the Light also know that there is a fierceness to its power, like the bare sword of the law, or the white burning of the sun." Suddenly his voice sounded to Will very strong, and very Welsh. "At the very heart, that is. Other things, like humanity, and mercy, and charity, that most good men hold more precious than all else, they do not come first for the Light. Oh, sometimes they are there; often, indeed. But in the very long run the concern of you people is with the absolute good, ahead of all else..."

          John Rowlands, The Grey King by Susan Cooper

          "You come from the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve", said Aslan. "And that is both honour enough to erect the head of the poorest beggar, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth; be content."

          Aslan, Prince Caspian by CS Lewis


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            #20
            Re: "Snooping"

            I don't agree with snooping in general.

            I will confess to poking opening up a drawer or cabinet in a bathroom whilst in there, though, in a home not mine ... more than one occasion. Usually to find toilet paper, but not always. I don't rummage ... I just take a quick peek. I have no damn clue why I have this peeping urge in bathrooms-not-my-own. And, as said, it isn't always. I am much better about it now than I used to be.

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              #21
              Re: "Snooping"

              Originally posted by WinterTraditions View Post
              Am I the only person who is okay with snooping?

              I mean... I'm a freakishly honest person. I don't hide anything.
              Probably.

              It has little to do with honesty, it has more to do with the common human desire for at least some privacy.

              Wanting one's "own space" doesn't mean that one has something to hide. It means that one has something he/she does not choose to share.

              I always close the bathroom door, not because I'm doing something I feel I need to hide, but because I don't want to share my pooping with anybody.

              Most people seem to appreciate that.
              Every moment of a life is a horrible tragedy, a slapstick comedy, dark nihilism, golden illumination, or nothing at all; depending on how we write the story we tell ourselves.

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                #22
                Re: "Snooping"

                The only partner I ever out & out snooped on was my ex husband, because there was "probable cause". This was long before computers, cell phones, etc. I went old-school and looked through his wallet and his address/phone book. Confirmed what I already knew on some visceral level.
                sigpic
                Can you hear me, Major Tom? I think I love you.

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                  #23
                  Originally posted by Rhaethe View Post
                  I don't agree with snooping in general.

                  I will confess to poking opening up a drawer or cabinet in a bathroom whilst in there, though, in a home not mine ... more than one occasion. Usually to find toilet paper, but not always. I don't rummage ... I just take a quick peek. I have no damn clue why I have this peeping urge in bathrooms-not-my-own. And, as said, it isn't always. I am much better about it now than I used to be.
                  Haha I do this. But thats cos im weird and like to know peoples secrets.
                  ThorSon's milkshake brings all the PF girls to the yard - Volcaniclastic

                  RIP

                  I have never been across the way
                  Seen the desert and the birds
                  You cut your hair short
                  Like a shush to an insult
                  The world had been yelling
                  Since the day you were born
                  Revolting with anger
                  While it smiled like it was cute
                  That everything was shit.

                  - J. Wylder

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                    #24
                    Re: "Snooping"

                    I'm of the same mind as: if you feel like you need to snoop on someone, you're probably in a bad place relationship-wise (or mentally) to begin with.

                    I'm not saying all relationships are perfect, but more often than not if something is amiss then it will surface sooner or later and you only make things worse by digging it out and confronting your partner with it.

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                      #25
                      Re: "Snooping"

                      Trust is an integral part of a relationship. If they are behaving strangely and you suspect that they may be cheating, confront them. Could they lie to you? Yes, but once again, trust. If you can't trust that they are telling you the truth something's wrong.

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                        #26
                        Re: "Snooping"

                        You know now that I think about it...
                        I remember living with my gf. She and I had broken up. I moved to my Godmother's home and rented a room there. I let my ex girlfriend move in with me for a bit. We sorta got back together. Sorta off and on. Lesbian relationships go on forever! Anywho..I don't know why, but I was looking through her drawer. I had already suspected her of cheating on me. And I found naked pics of her. That I had not taken. I told her to leave because I no longer had a reason to not kill her. She left.

                        So I think I still stand by my post. I snooped during a time when I knew our relationship was going kaput.
                        Satan is my spirit animal

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                          #27
                          Re: "Snooping"

                          I think its sort of silly, in a relationship where you know someone intimately to think that you always, in every single situation, trust them 100% to make the "right" choice.

                          I don't even trust myself in every single situation 100%...particularly when cheesecake or a bookstore is involved.

                          Hubby and I have been together 10 1/2 years now (our 10 years married is this November), and I know him pretty well. I trust that he will not cheat on me, I trust that (provided I leave a note with a list) he will get the chores done around the house while I shuttle children to and fro. I trust that, in a life or death situation, he will put the kids lives before himself. I trust that he will never, ever, lay a hand on my person (or our children) in anger. But I don't trust that he won't spend the last $20 in the joint bank account if he runs out of cigarrettes before pay day (for that matter, neither does he) (and because of this, he has an allowance that goes to his own account and card and doesn't carry a card to our joint account).

                          For all that everyone here (including me) says that you have to have trust for a functional relationship, how much of that is idealistic? None of us are perfect. I trust that all of us usually have the best of intentions...except when we don't. I trust that all of us try to make good decisions...except when we don't, or when we make a mistake, or... None of us are perfect in our decision making. How much *should* you trust someone, period? I mean, we can make all the justification in the world for our own actions (and we do), but they are still just excuses...if they are done in such a way as to cause someone else grief, why should that person continue to trust someone that *oops* made a mistake or *whoops* I thought I could do that, but I really suck at it.

                          Trust isn't an absolute. And we have the right to protect ourselves (and our loved ones). And plenty of relationships survive on varying degrees of trust.

                          Also...I think some of this depends on what you consider "snooping".
                          *Is it snooping to check an unfamiliar website from your internet history out, when it comes up in the address bar? (I do this from time to time...not because I don't trust the Hubby's internet time--I know *exactly* what he's doing, and I want to see what my kids might click on accidentally because I know the hubbyoften forgets to clear his browser history after "personal time")
                          *Is it snooping to read an email that pops up for your partner when its from a dating site because they never logged out? (happened to a co-worker of mine)
                          *Is it snooping to go through your partner's text messages when they come home from a business trip and you (doing laundry) find opposite gendered clothing that is not your own (along with condoms) in their stuff? (happened to my old neighbor---and they are still together)

                          I'm not sure that I consider finding something odd and wanting to know more about it so that I can dismiss it or have more concrete information if it needs to be confronted to be "snooping", rather than fairly normal curiosity and self-preservation...as opposed to hiring a PI or going through their text messages, recpiepts, email, etc on a regualr basis.
                          Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of HistoryPagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible
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                            #28
                            Re: "Snooping"

                            I might be odd here... but I don't care. If hubby wants to read my stuff he can, I don't bother with his, even if he was hiding something, I can't imagine it would be worse than a naughty thought.... I imagine this feeling comes from knowing my husband really well.... I suppose if I wanted i could snoop.... He uses the same few passwords for everything, and I know some of them better than he does, but frankly I wouldn't mind if he was cheating either.... dunno this is just me, but it honestly isn't blind trust , I think it comes from knowing what I know, and not needing what he feels like are "private" details, mostly I know those already, so it is what it is I guess...

                            - - - Updated - - -

                            Originally posted by thalassa View Post
                            (and because of this, he has an allowance that goes to his own account and card and doesn't carry a card to our joint account).
                            I thought I was the only one who did this.... but I don't think of it as a trust issue, I have similar impulsive tendencies.... Frankly hubby asked me to do this, and it works out really well, he likes to complain that there is no money left.... and there always is now, so it really does work... is it snooping or controlling though?
                            http://catcrowsnow.blogspot.com/

                            But they were doughnuts of darkness. Evil damned doughnuts, tainted by the spawn of darkness.... Which could obviously only be redeemed by passing through the fiery inferno of my digestive tract.
                            ~Jim Butcher

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                              #29
                              Re: "Snooping"

                              Originally posted by thalassa View Post
                              *Is it snooping to check an unfamiliar website from your internet history out, when it comes up in the address bar? (I do this from time to time...not because I don't trust the Hubby's internet time--I know *exactly* what he's doing, and I want to see what my kids might click on accidentally because I know the hubbyoften forgets to clear his browser history after "personal time")
                              My general position on this one is that if it's in plain sight (and any site address popping up in my address bar without me looking for it is plain sight) then it's fair game. That said, I dislike having multiple users on the same account with a computer so each of the kids would have their own account. That tends to prevent searches from you or your husband having side effects on their internet use without forcing you to clear web history every time. It also means that you can configure the system to report where they spend the most time on the web among other things (and no I don't think small children have a right to privacy on the internet, there are too many places that they can get in way over their heads).
                              life itself was a lightsaber in his hands; even in the face of treachery and death and hopes gone cold, he burned like a candle in the darkness. Like a star shining in the black eternity of space.

                              Yoda: Dark Rendezvous

                              "But those men who know anything at all about the Light also know that there is a fierceness to its power, like the bare sword of the law, or the white burning of the sun." Suddenly his voice sounded to Will very strong, and very Welsh. "At the very heart, that is. Other things, like humanity, and mercy, and charity, that most good men hold more precious than all else, they do not come first for the Light. Oh, sometimes they are there; often, indeed. But in the very long run the concern of you people is with the absolute good, ahead of all else..."

                              John Rowlands, The Grey King by Susan Cooper

                              "You come from the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve", said Aslan. "And that is both honour enough to erect the head of the poorest beggar, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth; be content."

                              Aslan, Prince Caspian by CS Lewis


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                                #30
                                Re: "Snooping"

                                Originally posted by MaskedOne View Post
                                (and no I don't think small children have a right to privacy on the internet, there are too many places that they can get in way over their heads).
                                r/buttsharpies


                                Mostly art.

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