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PF Ordo Hereticus
- Mar 2009
- 8674
- Jedi
- elsewhere
- The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant compared to the power of the Force.
life itself was a lightsaber in his hands; even in the face of treachery and death and hopes gone cold, he burned like a candle in the darkness. Like a star shining in the black eternity of space.
Yoda: Dark Rendezvous
"But those men who know anything at all about the Light also know that there is a fierceness to its power, like the bare sword of the law, or the white burning of the sun." Suddenly his voice sounded to Will very strong, and very Welsh. "At the very heart, that is. Other things, like humanity, and mercy, and charity, that most good men hold more precious than all else, they do not come first for the Light. Oh, sometimes they are there; often, indeed. But in the very long run the concern of you people is with the absolute good, ahead of all else..."
John Rowlands, The Grey King by Susan Cooper
"You come from the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve", said Aslan. "And that is both honour enough to erect the head of the poorest beggar, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth; be content."
Aslan, Prince Caspian by CS Lewis
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Originally posted by Maria de Luna View Post
I thought I was the only one who did this.... but I don't think of it as a trust issue, I have similar impulsive tendencies.... Frankly hubby asked me to do this, and it works out really well, he likes to complain that there is no money left.... and there always is now, so it really does work... is it snooping or controlling though?ThorSon's milkshake brings all the PF girls to the yard - Volcaniclastic
RIP
I have never been across the way
Seen the desert and the birds
You cut your hair short
Like a shush to an insult
The world had been yelling
Since the day you were born
Revolting with anger
While it smiled like it was cute
That everything was shit.
- J. Wylder
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Originally posted by Medusa View Post
I could never understand this. Here is a pic of me. I'm shy. Here's my asshole with a sharpie in it.ThorSon's milkshake brings all the PF girls to the yard - Volcaniclastic
RIP
I have never been across the way
Seen the desert and the birds
You cut your hair short
Like a shush to an insult
The world had been yelling
Since the day you were born
Revolting with anger
While it smiled like it was cute
That everything was shit.
- J. Wylder
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Re: "Snooping"
Originally posted by thalassa View PostI think its sort of silly, in a relationship where you know someone intimately to think that you always, in every single situation, trust them 100% to make the "right" choice.
I don't even trust myself in every single situation 100%...particularly when cheesecake or a bookstore is involved.
Hubby and I have been together 10 1/2 years now (our 10 years married is this November), and I know him pretty well. I trust that he will not cheat on me, I trust that (provided I leave a note with a list) he will get the chores done around the house while I shuttle children to and fro. I trust that, in a life or death situation, he will put the kids lives before himself. I trust that he will never, ever, lay a hand on my person (or our children) in anger. But I don't trust that he won't spend the last $20 in the joint bank account if he runs out of cigarrettes before pay day (for that matter, neither does he) (and because of this, he has an allowance that goes to his own account and card and doesn't carry a card to our joint account).
For all that everyone here (including me) says that you have to have trust for a functional relationship, how much of that is idealistic? None of us are perfect. I trust that all of us usually have the best of intentions...except when we don't. I trust that all of us try to make good decisions...except when we don't, or when we make a mistake, or... None of us are perfect in our decision making. How much *should* you trust someone, period? I mean, we can make all the justification in the world for our own actions (and we do), but they are still just excuses...if they are done in such a way as to cause someone else grief, why should that person continue to trust someone that *oops* made a mistake or *whoops* I thought I could do that, but I really suck at it.
Trust isn't an absolute. And we have the right to protect ourselves (and our loved ones). And plenty of relationships survive on varying degrees of trust.
Also...I think some of this depends on what you consider "snooping".
*Is it snooping to check an unfamiliar website from your internet history out, when it comes up in the address bar? (I do this from time to time...not because I don't trust the Hubby's internet time--I know *exactly* what he's doing, and I want to see what my kids might click on accidentally because I know the hubbyoften forgets to clear his browser history after "personal time")
*Is it snooping to read an email that pops up for your partner when its from a dating site because they never logged out? (happened to a co-worker of mine)
*Is it snooping to go through your partner's text messages when they come home from a business trip and you (doing laundry) find opposite gendered clothing that is not your own (along with condoms) in their stuff? (happened to my old neighbor---and they are still together)
I'm not sure that I consider finding something odd and wanting to know more about it so that I can dismiss it or have more concrete information if it needs to be confronted to be "snooping", rather than fairly normal curiosity and self-preservation...as opposed to hiring a PI or going through their text messages, recpiepts, email, etc on a regualr basis.
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Re: "Snooping"
Originally posted by Girlgoyle View PostI agree wholeheartedly and think this is a really good take on the topic. I have a high degree of trust in my husband but don't think he's any more perfect than I am (sorry babe) and I'm not perfect.
Originally posted by Girlgoyle View PostI do trust him 100% on the big issues in our relationship though. I wouldn't snoop in general and if something really weird came up I may snoop a little just to satisfy my curiosity just, as you say, to move on or find out if it was any concern to begin with. Mostly if it involved our bank acct or something...like what is this large charge or bunch of strange little charges. I wouldn't look at his browser history, phone calls etc. Then again we both have free access to each others information... I don't even have a second thought about opening his wallet if I need information such as health insurance or drivers license number if I'm filling forms out because I just have no expectation of being confronted with anything weird.
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One with the Force
- Nov 2005
- 5164
- Polytheist with Pan-/Panen- tendencies.
- male
- Elk River, MN
- In the darkest recesses of your twisted mind, a G-rated version of me resides.
Re: "Snooping"
Originally posted by thalassa View PostWhen is it okay to snoop on your partner?
Never?
Originally posted by thalassa View PostIf you accidentally catch them doing something first? If you have evidence they are doing something but lied when asked? If you just suspect them of doing something?
If you think it can be okay, do you think you are obligated to tell them about it?
Would you confront them if you found something? What would be a "deal breaker" in your relationship?
For these questions, I sort of need a base line. Are we talking theft, drugs, extra-marital affairs... what?
I mean, the basic fundamentals of relating is, primarily, communication. For some things, communication alone won't divulge. Like lies. But catching your SO in a lie, it then depends on the context of the lie, the seriousness of it, and whether it damages any of the relationship's fundamental principles, like trust.
For me, I'm willing to listen. I'm open to negotiation: Things can be worked out, compromises can be made, and what-have-you. I need to TRUST my SO. Period. Ruin that trust, make it nonexistent, then the relationship is equally nonexistent. Between that and wanting to be with me (or not) are the basis, the starting point to making anything work.
Snooping, as an indication of distrust, is a no-go. If I am given a green light to look at otherwise personal... whatever, out of sheer curiosity, let's say, I still feel uncomfortable LOOKING. Private papers, old love notes, journals, diaries and the like are all hands-off, for me. I won't read them [EVER!] unless I'm asked to. Just because she would be a SO doesn't mean her privacy is null and void.
Stalking and spying seem to be a no-brainer for me. Absolutely wrong, on all counts.
*shrug*
"Reason is not automatic. Those who deny it cannot be conquered by it." - Ayn Rand
"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." - Marcus Aurelius
"The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice." - Mark Twain
"The only gossip I'm interested in is things from the Weekly World News - 'Woman's bra bursts, 11 injured'. That kind of thing." - Johnny Depp
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Originally posted by Roknrol View PostI don't need an angry mob to get you stoned.ThorSon's milkshake brings all the PF girls to the yard - Volcaniclastic
RIP
I have never been across the way
Seen the desert and the birds
You cut your hair short
Like a shush to an insult
The world had been yelling
Since the day you were born
Revolting with anger
While it smiled like it was cute
That everything was shit.
- J. Wylder
Comment
-
Re: "Snooping"
Originally posted by ChainLightning View PostCorrect. Never.
At the moment, "deal breaker" seems rather ill-fitting for discussing a relationship, for some reason. I'm not sure why or where it came from but...
For these questions, I sort of need a base line. Are we talking theft, drugs, extra-marital affairs... what?
Example? If I walk in one day and find her in bed with the gardener down the street, it's over. There's no room for discussion.
If I find her in bed with Johnny Depp, however, I'm going to inform them that I'll be in the dining room and they'd better want to come out and chat.
We're weird like that. But yeah, dealbreakers. The dealbreaker though MUST involve the relationship...if she breaks a law or something it's retarded to break up (depending on the crime). If she killed a child I think I'd have to go.
Originally posted by ChainLightning View PostI mean, the basic fundamentals of relating is, primarily, communication. For some things, communication alone won't divulge. Like lies. But catching your SO in a lie, it then depends on the context of the lie, the seriousness of it, and whether it damages any of the relationship's fundamental principles, like trust.
The communication thing does have to go both ways though. If there's a situation that warrants a discussion - ie, cheating or some crime or something - and my spouse / s/o doesn't "want" to talk after I have already been made to be involved, then I'm sorry - I'm gone. Either we talk about it or I'm gone, since you've already made it my problem. I have no patience for "inevitable outcomes". If the inevitable outcome is that we have to fight/argue about it, then let's fucking get it out of the way and move on. Life is too short to have that shit sitting and "waiting" without resolution. If you don't want to help me resolve? Well, I have my own solution that can happen really really quickly (leaving).
Originally posted by ChainLightning View PostFor me, I'm willing to listen. I'm open to negotiation: Things can be worked out, compromises can be made, and what-have-you. I need to TRUST my SO. Period. Ruin that trust, make it nonexistent, then the relationship is equally nonexistent. Between that and wanting to be with me (or not) are the basis, the starting point to making anything work.
Originally posted by ChainLightning View PostSnooping, as an indication of distrust, is a no-go. If I am given a green light to look at otherwise personal... whatever, out of sheer curiosity, let's say, I still feel uncomfortable LOOKING. Private papers, old love notes, journals, diaries and the like are all hands-off, for me. I won't read them [EVER!] unless I'm asked to. Just because she would be a SO doesn't mean her privacy is null and void.
Originally posted by ChainLightning View PostStalking and spying seem to be a no-brainer for me. Absolutely wrong, on all counts.
*shrug*
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