Why stay with an abuser?

[Medusa]

Re: Why stay with an abuser?

I saw the thread called Why stay with an abuser. I will attempt to answer that question. Because sometimes you make a really shitty decision.

There is no way around it. Rationalize all you want for the reasons you would stay. But in the end, you know it's a stupid decision to make.

[Rae'ya]

Re: Why stay with an abuser?

Its not really something you will ever understand. My friend A was in a relationship in which she was being raped/beaten. To this day she will say she doesn't even understand why she stayed. Abusers don't just hit you, the worst ones confuse you. They take away your support systems, turn your entire world upside down and inside out and make you believe the only way it'll make sense is with them in the picture. No one else will love you, no one else wants you. They scare off your friends and family and then say to you "they left you. but im still here.". Sometimes the picture breaks and the victim gets out, like A finally did. Sometimes it never breaks at all like with my other friend who is still with a man who beats her.

This.

It's called 'battered spouse syndrome' and it's common enough that we have a name for it and call it a syndrome. It's not logical, it doesn't make sense, and it can take years to break out of it. This is how abuse works. It took my mum twelve years to leave my abusive father.

[thalassa]

Re: Why stay with an abuser?

http://www.npr.org/2013/05/31/175617775/why-don-t-domestic-violence-victims-leave

When I was in college, my roommate was in an abusive relationship. Generally, it wasn't physically abusive....mostly just emotionally abusive. My roommate was smart, funny, and cute--but also insecure and frequently depressed. She was raised by her grandmother whenever CPS took her from her mother and her mother's string of boyfriends. They weren't married, but they were together for three years before she left him. I asked her once, why she stayed...and she said it was because she didn't know how to leave someone that loved her even if she wasn't good enough. She said something along the lines of this: she wanted someone who loved her, she wanted someone to love. She wanted to someone and most of the time, he was a good person. It was just when he drank too much and she did something wrong. He wasn't all bad, or always bad to her, just sometimes, etc... ...but it was the last thing she said that really got me, she said "And don't we all have our flaws?"

I've seen other abusive relationships before and since then. They are more common than we think. More often than not they are not obviously abusive to anyone on the outside, which causes its own problems and pressures. Its very easy to say "well s/he should just leave" or "poor decision making"...but its not nearly as easy to do it as it is to say it--the ability to support one's self, kids, a house, etc...sometimes you don't have anywhere else to go. Two of the women I know aren't in physically abusive relationships, although their relationships have involved physical altercations. They are SAHMs, with little education and minimum wage job skills, who are married to men that have military jobs (one is in the military, the other is a contractor)...they are emotionally belittled on a daily basis. One of them grew up with a mother in the same sort of relationship, who stayed because her husband has money...and expects her daugher to do the same, because "you're a failure if you leave him." Considering that her previous marriage was *way* more abusive--so bad she went to a women's shelter and started over from there, once, she has extra motivation to not want to "go back to that". The other was an only child of a single mother that didn't have much growing up...she stays because she thinks she needs a family to be complete, she feels she has no job prospects...and, after all, he's not there a lot (deployments being what they are).

Its not like someone is punching you every day... Just, ya know, when tempers get hot--its an arguement, and she sort of pushed him back from her first...that's why. Or when there's been alcohol involved, she drank too much and said something snide. Or maybe she wore the wrong thing to the party and some guy hit on her. Or... But most of the time, he's really sweet, he loves her. Most of the time, he's like every other guy. Sure, sometimes he puts her down in front of her friends or his...but she asked for it, when she said *whatever it was that set him off this time*. Sure, sometimes he spends all the money and doesn't leave any for groceries or diapers, but he needed to blow off some steam with the guys. Its not his fault, he has a hard job...and when he gets home, sometimes he just says things, he just takes it out on her, on their kids. He doesn't mean it.

My dad was like that...he was a good guy, most of the time. If he said something, his word was his bond. He never let you down on a promise. He worked hard, he helped his neighbors, he volunteered at church... But sometimes he drank. He was an alcoholic...so sometimes was nightly. And sometimes, usually on the weekends, he drank too much. And, when he drank too much, he was mean. Not generally physically abusive--though that happened a few times...mostly just mean. My mom stayed with him til I was in the 7th grade...and then married someone just like him (that had quit drinking, but had then same attitude without the alcohol as an excuse)--her father had been just the same. So, I can understand. Its a cycle, its hard to break. When you grow up with it, you think its normal emotionally even if intellectually, you know its wrong. And then...add in the money issue, kids, social pressures (maybe your church frowns on divorice or thinks women should submit to their husbands), poor self esteem (maybe you don't think you deserve better or can get better), a fear of the unknown (maybe you've never been on your own)...and its much harder to go than it is to stay. Better, perhaps, the devil you know...

[DanieMarie]

Re: Why stay with an abuser?

[URL]
My dad was like that...he was a good guy, most of the time. If he said something, his word was his bond. He never let you down on a promise. He worked hard, he helped his neighbors, he volunteered at church... But sometimes he drank. He was an alcoholic...so sometimes was nightly. And sometimes, usually on the weekends, he drank too much. And, when he drank too much, he was mean.

I had a family member like that. He was never physical, but when he drank, he was mean. She stayed with him for a long time, but eventually she decided to leave. Then he quit and everything has been totally fine since. Of course, a lot of alcoholics -don't- quit, and a lot of women don't leave over it, so the situation continues.

I've never been in a truly abusive relationship, but I have been with a bunch of manipulative guys who used me, led me on, or toyed with my feelings. I never left any of them and those relationships only ended when those guys decided to move on. At the time, I would have done -anything- to stay with them, even though they made me feel horrible. I was young and very insecure. I was never in a loving, long-term relationship until I was 28, so I didn't have a frame of reference for people should treat each other in relationships. So yeah, I can see how women would stay.

[nbdy]

Re: Why stay with an abuser?

I don't recall who mentioned it and not reading the thread again, but isolation seems to be a common characteristic, whether the abuse is physical or psychological. I guess that is a red flag to look for, whether male or female, if being with your special some one starts feeling like your relationships with others are becoming strained or disappearing, take a step back. And, for the record, jealousy does not indicate love, it indicates possession.

[miss_mc]

Re: Why stay with an abuser?

And, for the record, jealousy does not indicate love, it indicates possession.

^^^ Excessive jealousy is always something to look out for. You are NOT property.

[DanieMarie]

Re: Why stay with an abuser?

http://www.thefrisky.com/2014-09-09/why-i-married-my-abuser/?mobile_redirect=false

This came up on Facebook the other day. I thought it fit in well here.

[Medusa]

Re: Why stay with an abuser?

I never find a man charming once he hits me. It's just who I am. I would end this with 'I'm sorry'. Knowing I'm stating an opinion people won't like. As if I'm not understanding. I understand the reasons women (or men) in general would want to stay with their abuser. I get it. For them.

For me? It's not going to happen. I'm just not that person. Once you hit me, my 'oh you are charming' button get broken and it's over.

Not sorry.

[MaskedOne]

Re: Why stay with an abuser?

Devil one knows vs the devil one doesn't
careful preparatory work by the abuser to isolate and weaken their victim till escape doesn't seem like an option
to provide a modicum of shelter to someone who has less ability to back out
other options that I can't guess at off the top of my head

my personal feeling is that a party who descends to physical abuse against their partner is politely requesting that each limb used for abusive purposes be broken in no less than 3 and no more than 15 places but it's remotely possible that I'm a terrible person and most court systems really frown on my ideas of proper punishment for some crimes

[Tylluan Penry]

Re: Why stay with an abuser?

I think this is quite an interesting article on the subject because it deals with emotional and not just physical abuse. http://www.theguardian.com/commentis...estic-violence

I have a strong suspicion that someone who is very close to me is suffering emotional abuse and may well, in the future, suffer physical abuse too. At the moment she is isolated and - I think - in denial. The best I can do is to tell her I love her, I'll always be there for her, and she can always get in touch. But other than that she doesn't want anything to do with anyone.

It's breaking my heart. But one day, I'm going to reckon with that bastard she's with.

[Azvanna]

Re: Why stay with an abuser?

My mum stayed with her abuser for a really long time, totally broke down mentally, left him, and then returned again after 1 year. I don't think she ever really cut the ties. She remained in contact with him even after she left. Eventually, she returned and I believe it was out of loneliness, though she never would admit that. Mum's situation was a bit different in that there was no physical abuse in the relationship up until a certain point. I think the guy she is with has totally lost his grip on reality due to alcoholism, and that was the tipping point. It's a really complex thing. I tell my mum that she's crazy to stay with the guy, that he doesn't deserve her and she wears it like a badge of honour as if she's doing him a favour or is a strong woman for 'toughing it out' with him. It's like neither of them can take responsibility for themselves and it's absolutely infuriating to watch. But yea, I believe loneliness was the key factor in my mum's case.

[Medusa]

Re: Why stay with an abuser?

Sadly I lost a friend to this. Lost as in we are no longer friends. A boyfriend came into her life. The first serious one and she eventually moved in with him. I noticed him controlling her a lot. What to wear, what school to go to, what area to move to...sexual issues. I didn't say much because I knew at her age, she would pick him over me. And she did. And then it got worse and he cheated on her and just left her in a mess (made her get a car she couldn't afford etc). I honestly no longer talk to her even though she's back in the area and no longer with him. I lost respect for her and just moved on. Things just aren't the same between us now.

[miss_mc]

Re: Why stay with an abuser?

Sadly I lost a friend to this. Lost as in we are no longer friends. A boyfriend came into her life. The first serious one and she eventually moved in with him. I noticed him controlling her a lot. What to wear, what school to go to, what area to move to...sexual issues. I didn't say much because I knew at her age, she would pick him over me. And she did. And then it got worse and he cheated on her and just left her in a mess (made her get a car she couldn't afford etc). I honestly no longer talk to her even though she's back in the area and no longer with him. I lost respect for her and just moved on. Things just aren't the same between us now.

I recently lost someone over that. She was with an abusive guy who knocked her up, then she dumped his ass for her and the baby's sake. Now shes back with him, acting like its peachy keen. Couldn't stand to see her put not only herself but her daughter into such a bad situation. Called it quits when she told me I was a bad friend for being honest with her about how dumb she was being.

[loststarshine]

Re: Why stay with an abuser?

I never find a man charming once he hits me. It's just who I am. I would end this with 'I'm sorry'. Knowing I'm stating an opinion people won't like. As if I'm not understanding. I understand the reasons women (or men) in general would want to stay with their abuser. I get it. For them.

For me? It's not going to happen. I'm just not that person. Once you hit me, my 'oh you are charming' button get broken and it's over.

Not sorry.

Exactly how I think. I understand why people stay more than I like. I didnt go back. I would like the whole incident. to erase from my memory. Its like I have a sticker now other people can see it. I feel marked now. Sounds ludacris I know but its how I feel.