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    Why stay with an abuser?

    This could no doubt be its own thread. I seldom pay attention to sports stories,but this one where a player named Rice cold cocks his then girlfriend in an elevator and is caught on film.
    The thing I really do not get,is why his now wife is defending the guy for doing that to her.
    Ladies of PF,would you ever put up with this kind of treatment?
    MAGIC is MAGIC,black OR white or even blood RED

    all i ever wanted was a normal life and love.
    NO TERF EVER WE belong Too.
    don't stop the tears.let them flood your soul.




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    #2
    Re: What Are You Thinking About?

    Originally posted by anunitu View Post
    This could no doubt be its own thread. I seldom pay attention to sports stories,but this one where a player named Rice cold cocks his then girlfriend in an elevator and is caught on film.
    The thing I really do not get,is why his now wife is defending the guy for doing that to her.
    Ladies of PF,would you ever put up with this kind of treatment?
    When I was younger, I put up with emotional abuse/lies because of social & financial pressure. But once I realized what was really happening I made a plan. It took a long time but I got out. I was already married - he put up a pretty good front/con/whatever beforehand. Lots of women honestly feel they'd rather be in a bad relationship than NO relationship. And abusive men usually talk a good game. They're always going to take you places, buy you things, do this and that - but time passes, and it's all just empty talk. Their actions are totally different.
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    Can you hear me, Major Tom? I think I love you.

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      #3
      Re: What Are You Thinking About?

      Originally posted by anunitu View Post
      This could no doubt be its own thread. I seldom pay attention to sports stories,but this one where a player named Rice cold cocks his then girlfriend in an elevator and is caught on film.
      The thing I really do not get,is why his now wife is defending the guy for doing that to her.
      Ladies of PF,would you ever put up with this kind of treatment?
      Back when I was 19 and skinnier than a twig, my first live-in boyfriend came home drunk late one night and I woke up being punched and kicked. Bad enough to punch some one, but to attack while they are asleep? I never had a chance. Fortunately he tired quickly and then passed out across the bed face down. Then I uncurled from the fetal position I had adopted in the corner so that I would not be kicked in the stomach. I sat there thinking about it for about 15 minutes and then gingerly dressed and crammed all my stuff into my sad little compact car and showed up on a girlfriend's doorstep just before dawn. That was the end of that. He was truly astonished that I was not there to cook for him when he awakened the following day even though he remembered the whole thing. People be crazy.

      "No, no, you're not thinking; you're just being logical." -- Niels Bohr

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        #4
        Re: Why stay with an abuser?

        I went ahead and split this and also moved it to the SAFE zone, on account of the topic and not making anyone feel awkward about opening up any personal stories.

        Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of HistoryPagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible
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          #5
          Re: What Are You Thinking About?

          Originally posted by nbdy View Post
          Back when I was 19 and skinnier than a twig, my first live-in boyfriend came home drunk late one night and I woke up being punched and kicked. Bad enough to punch some one, but to attack while they are asleep? I never had a chance. Fortunately he tired quickly and then passed out across the bed face down. Then I uncurled from the fetal position I had adopted in the corner so that I would not be kicked in the stomach. I sat there thinking about it for about 15 minutes and then gingerly dressed and crammed all my stuff into my sad little compact car and showed up on a girlfriend's doorstep just before dawn. That was the end of that. He was truly astonished that I was not there to cook for him when he awakened the following day even though he remembered the whole thing. People be crazy.
          You did the right thing, when left. And yes, people are sometimes crazy.
          "Fair means that everybody gets what they need. And the only way to get that is to make it happen yourself."



          Since I adore cats, I might write something strange or unusual in my comment.Cats are awesome!!! ^_^

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            #6
            Re: What Are You Thinking About?

            Originally posted by Hawkfeathers View Post
            When I was younger, I put up with emotional abuse/lies because of social & financial pressure. But once I realized what was really happening I made a plan. It took a long time but I got out. I was already married - he put up a pretty good front/con/whatever beforehand. Lots of women honestly feel they'd rather be in a bad relationship than NO relationship. And abusive men usually talk a good game. They're always going to take you places, buy you things, do this and that - but time passes, and it's all just empty talk. Their actions are totally different.

            Exactly! The wife is most likely being abused herself....it took alot out of me to leave my abusive exhusband. I rationalized he was drunk it, was an accident, i made him angry, it wont happen again etc. If the cops didnt hold him in jail i might of gotten back with him. I lost my house, my dog, and my cats. It was the first home i ever felt like it was mine. Its a hard step to take you feel like you are the one who made the mistake. I have a sister who has never left her abusier.

            It took my other sister threatening to drag me back home by my hair. She told me if your staying explain that to your niece explain to her why its okay to let a man hurt you. She had me i couldnt justify my reasonings for staying if it happened to my niece and not me i would be enraged. My husband didnt understand why i was leaving cried begged another chance. I knew i would always be afraid of him thats not how any person should live.

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              #7
              Re: Why stay with an abuser?

              Originally posted by anunitu View Post
              This could no doubt be its own thread. I seldom pay attention to sports stories,but this one where a player named Rice cold cocks his then girlfriend in an elevator and is caught on film.
              The thing I really do not get,is why his now wife is defending the guy for doing that to her.
              Ladies of PF,would you ever put up with this kind of treatment?
              My mum's last bf, was a scum. It was some years ago. In the beginning he was normal and helped everyone. But once he raised a hand on my mother. I don't remember what was the reason, but she didn't start first. He locked her in her room. Luckily she managed to send a SMS to my father (my parents are divorced) and ask him to call the police. When the police came, the bf asked my mother to forgive him. The scum even kneeled.
              I was in my father's house back then. It was between 3 and 4 years ago when I was 13.

              So ladies - be careful with whom you date.
              "Fair means that everybody gets what they need. And the only way to get that is to make it happen yourself."



              Since I adore cats, I might write something strange or unusual in my comment.Cats are awesome!!! ^_^

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                #8
                Re: Why stay with an abuser?

                I have never understood it, nor do I think I would.

                Both my sisters were brawlers. My middle sister T. is a strong, forceful woman. But when she was 15, she got pregnant by her older boyfriend. One of my memories of seeing them together is him grabbing her by her long long hair, and smashing her head into the top of their car. He was screaming at her the entire time and just kept banging her face into the roof of the car. My oldest sister, J., was with us, and she intervened & Ron only stopped because he realized his girlfriend's 5-year old sister was watching the whole sordid affair. T. would often have fingerprint-bruises on her arms & neck, scratches, cuts black eyes, fat lips... but she still stayed with Ron. Part of her reason was because my mother had thrown her out of the house upon learning that T. was pregnant, so my sis didn't feel as if she had anywhere else she could go. She bounced between Ron & Ron's mom's house - but Leigh was emotionally unstable, alcoholic and once the baby came, she would go after both my sister & her kid. My mother was emotionally & mentally abusive to my sisters, and physically abusive towards my oldest sister, and their dad was the same - so I don't know if T. just got used to the abuse, or if there were other things at play there. She doesn't really talk about it much - and now that Ron's dead, he's become a saint.

                J. has always been emotionally needy. She just wants to be loved, and if that means putting up w/some of the most obnoxious behaviors from men so they'll stay with her. She won't tolerate physical abuse, but she will let them berate her and push her around.

                Unfortunately, several of their kids have either been abusers or abused. My youngest neice's boyfriend/baby daddy went after her w/a baseball bat. She went back to him. He poured boiling water on one of their sons - she went back to him. There have been other things happen as well, the details of which aren't known to me other than my neice or one of the boys ending up in the ER... and she goes back. I asked her once why she kept returning to this man, who will most likely kill her or one of their kids, and she told me she loves him and knows that he'll change. It's been almost 10 years - for her sake, I hope he does change, but I (and her mother & other aunt) have some serious doubts.

                I got the other side of the message. After watching my sisters being brutalized by boyfriends & family members, and after being on the receiving end of a lot of it myself, I decided that I would never let a man, or anyone else, raise a hand against me. And if a person does, they better have a damned good reason - like I punched them first. I don't give second chances.

                Unless you're the person being abused, you can't know why someone would stay. I'm sure fear and insecurity and dependence play a part in the reason why people (not just women) stay in abusive relationships. Many abusive partners isolate their other halves, keep them separated from friends & family - and not having a support net can make a difference. Kids & household pets get held for ransom ("if you leave me, I'll kill the dog").

                Older & even grown kids stay w/abusive parents. Grown people continue to associate with abusive relatives. Men & women who hate each other stick it out better than some lovey-dovey couples. It's a strange world.
                The forum member formerly known as perzephone. Or Perze. I've shed a skin.

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                  #9
                  Re: Why stay with an abuser?

                  Well said ophidia.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: Why stay with an abuser?

                    Well said, Ophidia. I still don't understand why people stay with an abusive partner..... I hope I will understand it sometime.
                    "Fair means that everybody gets what they need. And the only way to get that is to make it happen yourself."



                    Since I adore cats, I might write something strange or unusual in my comment.Cats are awesome!!! ^_^

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                      #11
                      Re: Why stay with an abuser?

                      Originally posted by Gleb View Post
                      Well said, Ophidia. I still don't understand why people stay with an abusive partner..... I hope I will understand it sometime.
                      I really hope you dont ever understand it. Its not logical or rational its a very weak mindset to be in. A very dark place i wish on no one to go through to understand is often times is to experience. ignorance can be bliss. Most people that are abusers have horrible childhoods most were abused themselves its an illness i wish no longer exisited in our world. I have replayed that night many times looking for a different outcome there is none i only wish he found peace in death.

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                        #12
                        Re: Why stay with an abuser?

                        Originally posted by loststarshine View Post
                        I really hope you dont ever understand it. Its not logical or rational its a very weak mindset to be in. A very dark place i wish on no one to go through to understand is often times is to experience. ignorance can be bliss. Most people that are abusers have horrible childhoods most were abused themselves its an illness i wish no longer exisited in our world. I have replayed that night many times looking for a different outcome there is none i only wish he found peace in death.
                        From your comment, I understand it's different for everyone. So each abuser has his own motive. Am I right?
                        "Fair means that everybody gets what they need. And the only way to get that is to make it happen yourself."



                        Since I adore cats, I might write something strange or unusual in my comment.Cats are awesome!!! ^_^

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                          #13
                          Re: Why stay with an abuser?

                          Its not really something you will ever understand. My friend A was in a relationship in which she was being raped/beaten. To this day she will say she doesn't even understand why she stayed. Abusers don't just hit you, the worst ones confuse you. They take away your support systems, turn your entire world upside down and inside out and make you believe the only way it'll make sense is with them in the picture. No one else will love you, no one else wants you. They scare off your friends and family and then say to you "they left you. but im still here.". Sometimes the picture breaks and the victim gets out, like A finally did. Sometimes it never breaks at all like with my other friend who is still with a man who beats her.

                          - - - Updated - - -

                          Originally posted by Gleb View Post
                          From your comment, I understand it's different for everyone. So each abuser has his own motive. Am I right?
                          I believe its all the same motive: Control. They want/need control so they need to break whoever their in a relationship with otherwise they can't control them.

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                            #14
                            Re: Why stay with an abuser?

                            As I have read, the abuser is also afraid and feels they can not have a relationship without making their other half afraid and controlled.
                            MAGIC is MAGIC,black OR white or even blood RED

                            all i ever wanted was a normal life and love.
                            NO TERF EVER WE belong Too.
                            don't stop the tears.let them flood your soul.




                            sigpic

                            my new page here,let me know what you think.


                            nothing but the shadow of what was

                            witchvox
                            http://www.witchvox.com/vu/vxposts.html

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Why stay with an abuser?

                              Originally posted by Gleb View Post
                              From your comment, I understand it's different for everyone. So each abuser has his own motive. Am I right?
                              Motives differ some get a rise out of hurting others.
                              Was the abuser sober or not? Were they abused as
                              a child? Did they witness their mother undergo the same abuse and take it? Some to them this is how you express love. Many variables come into play into what causes another person to express such levels of violence.

                              From a victums standpoint if a man doesnt display jealousy or want to control my actions i feel as if they dont care. Is that a healthy thought proccess no. One i need to change i think alot of people dont understand what healthy relationships are. My mother physically and verbaly abused by her father and my father. My father treated me the same. My mother became depressed when he left. My father witnessed his step father abuse his mother for years and she continued to go back. My aunt is still with the man that almost killed her and he is my blood uncle its still hard to accept such a calm man could be so violent. My mothers mom commited sucide to escape her husbands abuse.

                              In 2012 i had friends telling me i should of known better than to argue with an alcoholic. Its a problem society choose to pretends to ignore. I was taught in school to scream fire if being raped the teachers said the odds of someone coming to my aide are slim if i yell rape. That sickens me. When my father was witnessed hitting me and taken by the cops my social worker my supposed advocate blamed me. Said if i didnt break curfew he wouldnt of hit me. Im sorry but grapping your daughter by her throat is not justifiable in almost any circumstances.

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