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Craving the hurt, I like pain without blades

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    Craving the hurt, I like pain without blades

    I used to cut myself, but not with knives. I would draw blood using nails, stones, pens, anything I could use as the excuse that I was just a "clumsy kid" and could disguise as accidents. I would hurt myself to get out of things and to feel.

    And now;

    I find myself once again scratching my skin against things so that I feel pain to give me chills and make me exhale, feeling a release. I strain my muscles to their max, until it is no longer a burn, but has turned to genuine pain.

    I push myself mentally to far beyond the breaking point, until my brain turns into a storm that never ends, I torture myself with my thoughts.

    However, generally I am cheery, smiling and a pretty happy person. But those thoughts lie in the back of my mind like a plague awaiting to be released. They never leave, and they wear me down bit by bit.

    It's as if there's another me, within myself (not in a bipolar way), but someone who likes to torment himself to some level, while my other half desires peace.

    But the other...desires chaos, wants conflict and mental disruption...

    I am a man constantly fighting to stay in one piece.

    #2
    Re: Craving the hurt, I like pain without blades

    I use to cut with razor blades my brother threw my last one away he got it out the back of my phone . I understand the desire and all I can say is try to fight the urge .
    Knowledge is the key to eternity. Not bowing before a deity not grovling at the feet of a messiah. Knowledge is power beyond mesure - satanic witch

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      #3
      Re: Craving the hurt, I like pain without blades

      This is a general statement about cutters. Mind you, I was one. And of course I ended up getting lots of tattoos on my arms. Some to cover scars. Some because I love that feeling.

      Cutters are generally in a mental pain. A pain that does not end. It encompasses their entire being. Every waking thought. And even in sleep it enters there. A torment of the mind and soul.

      When you cut or self harm you are giving pain a path. A beginning. And ultimately an end. We need that because that's normally how healthy pain works. You get injured. You damage. You heal. We cut to have our mind focus on that so we can live out that healthy routine. It takes our minds off the never ending internal pain we are suffering. It's a cut to let us bleed and then stop bleeding.

      What to do with it? Re focus that need to something else. And to find out what is that eternal pain we are enduring that cannot be resolved because we can't quite identify the problem.
      Satan is my spirit animal

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        #4
        Re: Craving the hurt, I like pain without blades

        Originally posted by Medusa View Post
        This is a general statement about cutters. Mind you, I was one. And of course I ended up getting lots of tattoos on my arms. Some to cover scars. Some because I love that feeling.

        Cutters are generally in a mental pain. A pain that does not end. It encompasses their entire being. Every waking thought. And even in sleep it enters there. A torment of the mind and soul.

        When you cut or self harm you are giving pain a path. A beginning. And ultimately an end. We need that because that's normally how healthy pain works. You get injured. You damage. You heal. We cut to have our mind focus on that so we can live out that healthy routine. It takes our minds off the never ending internal pain we are suffering. It's a cut to let us bleed and then stop bleeding.

        What to do with it? Re focus that need to something else. And to find out what is that eternal pain we are enduring that cannot be resolved because we can't quite identify the problem.
        I agree with this soo much and I also plan on getting a lot of tattoos and being a tattoo artist
        Knowledge is the key to eternity. Not bowing before a deity not grovling at the feet of a messiah. Knowledge is power beyond mesure - satanic witch

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Craving the hurt, I like pain without blades

          Originally posted by Medusa View Post
          This is a general statement about cutters. Mind you, I was one. And of course I ended up getting lots of tattoos on my arms. Some to cover scars. Some because I love that feeling.

          Cutters are generally in a mental pain. A pain that does not end. It encompasses their entire being. Every waking thought. And even in sleep it enters there. A torment of the mind and soul.

          When you cut or self harm you are giving pain a path. A beginning. And ultimately an end. We need that because that's normally how healthy pain works. You get injured. You damage. You heal. We cut to have our mind focus on that so we can live out that healthy routine. It takes our minds off the never ending internal pain we are suffering. It's a cut to let us bleed and then stop bleeding.

          What to do with it? Re focus that need to something else. And to find out what is that eternal pain we are enduring that cannot be resolved because we can't quite identify the problem.
          Finally someone who puts it into comprehensible words!
          I am also a self-harmer. But instead of cutting and/or scratching myself, I usually bang my head against any available hard surface. Occasionally I also smack myself in the face untill my ears start ringing. And now I realize that I just typed this as if I where talking about the weather! There's definately something wrong with me...
          Last edited by Hagazusa; 10 Oct 2014, 05:05.

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            #6
            Re: Craving the hurt, I like pain without blades

            I was once a cutter too. I've suffered from mental illness and personality disorders for my entire life. My self-harm has changed and developed into different things as I've grown older to try to mask it from others.

            However, generally I am cheery, smiling and a pretty happy person. But those thoughts lie in the back of my mind like a plague awaiting to be released. They never leave, and they wear me down bit by bit.

            It's as if there's another me, within myself (not in a bipolar way), but someone who likes to torment himself to some level, while my other half desires peace.

            But the other...desires chaos, wants conflict and mental disruption...

            I am a man constantly fighting to stay in one piece.
            I can completely relate (you know.. except for the man thing). I've just recently been in the darkest of depths of feeling torn apart by wanting to be fun, bubbly, and feel like my genuine self, but I have this nagging darkness within that I have a hard time shaking. I've recently saught help for the spinning, uncontrollable, automatic thoughts, and I'm happy to say, that while the darkness is still within me, and will never go away, I'm able to better manage myself, my thoughts, and my emotions. I've been able to turn my self-harm and love of that sting into other things, such as tattoos (LOVE that burning sting), waxing my legs, snapping wrist bands, and other methods that aren't harmful, but still scratch that itch.

            I wish you well in your journey, and I hope you find what you are seeking. Thank you for sharing.

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              #7
              Re: Craving the hurt, I like pain without blades

              I used to cut and self-harm, too. I often wonder if that somehow led me to my spiritual path. I feel as though embracing the things which are "dark" and "terrifying" somehow released me from that despair.

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                #8
                Re: Craving the hurt, I like pain without blades

                I used to cut.

                I think when we're talking about these dark aspects of ourselves, it's important to be aware of how multifaceted human beings are. We're not simply good people or bad people, and it isn't necessarily a battle between our ideal self (the happy public persona, say) and the monsters we feel squirming beneath the surface (an angry, destructive self). All people contain both of these, at different times and in varying degrees or forms.

                In a different circumstance or directed to different ends, those monsters can be neutral forces or even used for good. I think people put themselves through needless torment trying to repress those things, and being afraid of what those things being there means about them. Put someone's passion in the wrong situation and press the right buttons, and it can burn someone. Let an analytical mind run too hard for too long, and it will paralyze you. I know that's something I used to do: questioning what was wrong with me that I'd feel the things that led me to do what I did. Everything I did wrong was evidence that I myself was wrong, and the good public face was just something I was putting up so as to blend in.

                Story time:

                When cutting was a problem for me, deep down I saw myself as a monster but fought to hold onto my one-dimensional image of myself as a "good person". I didn't see the shades of grey. I also saw everyone else around me as monsters because of my upbringing and my own emotional issues, and looking back that was the main reason I was plagued by nightmares for a decade or so.

                Eventually I had a dream where an old man took me into one of the houses I had lived in when I was younger, and he told me that all of the nightmare-creatures were inside of me. I received advice on how to live with them as if in a "marriage", avoiding picking up on the negative aspects. Which I still can't totally make sense of, since I was given a symbol as the supposed key.

                More importantly, I thought about how I contained the cities, the forests, the rivers, the animals, the monsters, and the characters in all those years of dreaming. It was so complex I'd never stopped and looked at it that way before. I think everyone else contains a world of things, too. All the other monsters that I was seeing have cities, animals, people, and even other monsters - maybe created in the same way as mine.

                Thinking about this enables me to see myself as both a person who is good and a person who is bad, and to juggle those when necessary. To inspect these aspects logically without blame or even sympathize with them when necessary... some of the time. I'm getting better at it.

                In truth, I don't think there's such thing as a monster. A monster is a child's fear of something that cannot be made sense of, does not belong, and is wholly and irredeemably bad. What we call monsters are just different phases and aspects of things in different situations, and that includes people's anger, fear, hurt, confusion, and dark desires.

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