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I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

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    #31
    Re: I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

    The reality is that not everyone can parent a child with special needs, whether they have a public infrasturcture that can support them or not.

    I am blessed to have two healthy, beautiful, smart, and sassy kids. But before that I had a stillbirth at 26 weeks. And while the cellular analysis was inconclusive, some of the autopsy findings were consistent with Trisomy 18 (Edwards Syndrome). Unlike Downs Syndrome, children with Edwards syndrome rarely see their first birthday and likely die in their first week of birth, if they are born at all. Additionally (regardless of whether or not Edwards Syndrome was an issue), during my pregnancy, my doctor at the time failed to account for my hypothyroidism and do blood testing and medication adjustments (when I was finally tested at the end of my 2nd trimester, right before the stillbirth, I was severely undermedicated)--untreated maternal hypothyroidisim is linked to intellectual disabilities (they can be mild, or they can be an IQ below 85 in nearly 1 in 5 cases).

    I've coached Special Olympics swimming, for two years I taught aquatic fitness for high school special ed kids, I've babysat two children with Downs syndrome (the kids were adopted by the same family), and I have a stepbrother with special needs that is about 10 years younger than I am...I am the last person to say that working with children with special needs isn't rewarding and that these children are not special. But that doesn't mitigate the reality that it is hard. It doesn't mitigate the reality that ever parent and family I have known (including my own) doesn't sacrifice everything (time, money, sanity, energy) to the health and welfare of these kids, above and beyond that of parenting a "normal" child. I don't think anyone decides to have a child and expects it to have special needs, unless it is something they know they have a chance of doing so--as an identified carrier of something like cystic fibrosis, etc or if they have a prior history*...when you decide to have a child, you expect that it will be "normal" and the miniscule statistical chance that you intellectually know might occur is completely on the back burner.

    While I was crushed by my first pregnancy, over the years, I've developed a certain level of thankfulness about it. My hardest parenting challenge is a child with ADHD and anxiety/OCD...and we spend more (and we have *really* good health care) on his medication each month (not to mention CBT) than we do on gymnastics lessons...I wouldn't have the children I have now if the first pregnancy had turned out differently. And, as difficult as Sharkbait can be, I can only imagine the stress and expense of knowing your child will have life-long problems requiring life-long interventions that you won't be able to oversee because they will outlive you...and that you will be placing that burden on their siblings or in the hands of strangers. I might not like the reality that some people can't handle it, but I'd rather see any child with someone that will love them than someone that will resent them...and I can't judge them for something that I'm not sure how I would handle.

    This child is incredibly blessed. He was born in a country with a terrible cultural outlook on special needs (not unlike our own only a few decades ago), to a mother that didn't want him because he wasn't perfect. And to a father that is moving mountains to make sure that he has the best life and love possible. This isn't a story about a mother that doesn't want her child--this is a story about a father that does.
    Last edited by thalassa; 06 Feb 2015, 04:38.
    Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of HistoryPagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible
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      #32
      Re: I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

      Sorry Kali, I got the country confused to start with and that threw everyone off.

      Further, I'd just like to share a bit of family history. Twins run in my family. They hit every third generation or so. But there's a glitch. When twins happen, one is always severely disabled. To the point that they die, even with modern medical care. My cousin's baby was born with spina bifida and (I believe it's called) gastroenteritis, among other things (hell, I think even cerebral palsy might have been on the list). That baby lived for a month. Had three surgeries in as many weeks. And they still couldn't save it. I knew if my pregnancy showed twins I would have to get an abortion (at the very least a partial if they could see which of the twins was developing wrong), because I won't put a kid through that. I have a great-grandfather who was a doctor who specialized in abortions (and I don't think they were legal when he first started) because of this. At the very least, he could terminate the pregnancies in our family where twins were present, if they could tell soon enough.

      And if there was any chance that I would know ahead of time that there was any major disability, I would have gotten an abortion. Because I won't put a kid through that if I can help it. Don't get me wrong, it would have broken my heart, but I would have done it. And that's for a few reasons. Children with disabilities have a much tougher life. Even in progressive countries like ours, they face stigma, and that's above and beyond what their illness does to them. So, yes, I would have terminated if that had been the case.

      But not everything is diagnosable in the womb. And even if it is, some of the tests can't be finished until well into the second trimester when abortion becomes much more questionable. I love my daughter, but she's perfectly healthy. I honestly don't know if I could hold the same love and connection with a child with disabilities. I just don't know if I could do it, and that's trying to be completely honest. If I couldn't I don't think it would be fair to them to keep them with me, especially if I could find a family that would love them unconditionally.

      And, you cannot go into the idea of bearing a child with the concept that your child will be born disabled unless there is a strong family history. According to the CDC, only 3% of kids born in the US are born with a birth defect. That's an extremely small number. And the fact is, nobody is "ready" to have a baby. It's impossible to ever be prepared for what a child with a major disability would do to you life. And raising a special needs child is a lot different than working with them through any sort of program. If you are raising them, you don't get to go home at the end of the day, take a deep breath, and unwind. It's around the clock, constant stress. It takes a special person to be able to deal with that, not your average Joe off the street (who still wants to have a kid of his own some day). If you're that special person, that's wonderful! But you can't expect it of everyone else.
      We are what we are. Nothing more, nothing less. There is good and evil among every kind of people. It's the evil among us who rule now. -Anne Bishop, Daughter of the Blood

      I wondered if he could ever understand that it was a blessing, not a sin, to be graced with more than one love.
      It could be complicated; of course it could be complicated. And it opened one up to the possibility of more pain and loss.
      Still, it was a blessing I would never relinquish. Love, genuine love, was always a cause for joy.
      -Jacqueline Carey, Naamah's Curse

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        #33
        Re: I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

        In the end, it's about choice and freedom. The father in this case made his choice, and the mother made hers. Most people have a pre-programmed idea that every woman should want, love, and nurture babies under any circumstances, which is simply false. None of us personally know this couple and what they may or may not have discussed or agreed upon within their marriage.
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          #34
          Re: I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

          I wanted to add, on the subject of disabilities being hard on parents, that its also hard on siblings. Sharkbait has ADHD--in terms of a disability, its pretty mild compared to something like cerebal palsy. I know for a fact that Chickadee gets the short end of the stick in terms of childhood as a result of this. No matter how much we try to mitigate it when we can, make up for it when we are able, and allow her a judgement free area to redress her grievences on the subject, the simple fact is that she is held to higher standard and expectations, and required to be more responsible and more accountable than he is, even when accounting for age (and also in comparison to most of her peers). And unlike a parent who (hopefully) wanted the child, a sibling has no choice.

          I know for a fact that if I were to get pregnant again (which we have gone to great lengths to avoid), if I were to find out that the fetus wasn't developing normally (and I'm considered "high risk" so my level of interventions, covered by insurance, are pretty high), I would terminate the pregnancy without hesitation. If I were to get pregnant again due to some accident of my BC, there's a pretty good chance I would anyhow, but I can see that being a harder decision to make. There is no way that I would purposely shortchage the children I already have anymore than they have already been for something that I don't consider an individual yet.
          Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of HistoryPagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible
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            #35
            Re: I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

            There is also,some people are not suited to be parents..Some women when they get pregnant, panic because they are afraid of the responsibility. For these people(also applies to men) there are ways to insure no pregnancy happens,ever..If you want kids,KNOW what that entails and remember it is a lifetime commitment. When your kids turn 18,it does not mean they are no longer connected to you. There are people who become BAD parents..it happens..and their are people who are very good parents..If you are thinking,I want a child,ask yourself why you want a kid. This is not something you can discard because it does not meet your needs,it in a way is not unlike getting married,you must vow to see it through...
            MAGIC is MAGIC,black OR white or even blood RED

            all i ever wanted was a normal life and love.
            NO TERF EVER WE belong Too.
            don't stop the tears.let them flood your soul.




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              #36
              Re: I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

              Originally posted by anunitu View Post
              There is also,some people are not suited to be parents..Some women when they get pregnant, panic because they are afraid of the responsibility. For these people(also applies to men) there are ways to insure no pregnancy happens,ever..If you want kids,KNOW what that entails and remember it is a lifetime commitment. When your kids turn 18,it does not mean they are no longer connected to you. There are people who become BAD parents..it happens..and their are people who are very good parents..If you are thinking,I want a child,ask yourself why you want a kid. This is not something you can discard because it does not meet your needs,it in a way is not unlike getting married,you must vow to see it through...
              This is why I'm never going to have kids--I already know I'd be a bad parent.
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                #37
                Re: I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

                Originally posted by anunitu View Post
                There is also,some people are not suited to be parents..Some women when they get pregnant, panic because they are afraid of the responsibility. For these people(also applies to men) there are ways to insure no pregnancy happens,ever..If you want kids,KNOW what that entails and remember it is a lifetime commitment. When your kids turn 18,it does not mean they are no longer connected to you. There are people who become BAD parents..it happens..and their are people who are very good parents..If you are thinking,I want a child,ask yourself why you want a kid. This is not something you can discard because it does not meet your needs,it in a way is not unlike getting married,you must vow to see it through...
                Afraid of the responsibility? Many people don't understand the responsibility of caring for a pet hamster. These decisions are not thought through, in many cases. One needs to know oneself and be aware of choices, outcomes, and contingency plans.

                Menopause is good insurance against pregnancy. So is celibacy. But neither is (usually) suitable for the young LOL
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                Can you hear me, Major Tom? I think I love you.

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                  #38
                  Re: I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

                  It is good that you know,some people "Think" they want a kid,but it is like some people wanting a pet,then finding it is hard to take care of...

                  Also at times there is "pressure"to reproduce"..explain it is not for everybody..
                  MAGIC is MAGIC,black OR white or even blood RED

                  all i ever wanted was a normal life and love.
                  NO TERF EVER WE belong Too.
                  don't stop the tears.let them flood your soul.




                  sigpic

                  my new page here,let me know what you think.


                  nothing but the shadow of what was

                  witchvox
                  http://www.witchvox.com/vu/vxposts.html

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                    #39
                    Re: I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

                    Originally posted by thalassa View Post
                    I wanted to add, on the subject of disabilities being hard on parents, that its also hard on siblings. Sharkbait has ADHD--in terms of a disability, its pretty mild compared to something like cerebal palsy. I know for a fact that Chickadee gets the short end of the stick in terms of childhood as a result of this. No matter how much we try to mitigate it when we can, make up for it when we are able, and allow her a judgement free area to redress her grievences on the subject, the simple fact is that she is held to higher standard and expectations, and required to be more responsible and more accountable than he is, even when accounting for age (and also in comparison to most of her peers). And unlike a parent who (hopefully) wanted the child, a sibling has no choice.

                    I know for a fact that if I were to get pregnant again (which we have gone to great lengths to avoid), if I were to find out that the fetus wasn't developing normally (and I'm considered "high risk" so my level of interventions, covered by insurance, are pretty high), I would terminate the pregnancy without hesitation. If I were to get pregnant again due to some accident of my BC, there's a pretty good chance I would anyhow, but I can see that being a harder decision to make. There is no way that I would purposely shortchage the children I already have anymore than they have already been for something that I don't consider an individual yet.
                    This is why we only have one. Once he was diagnosed we took steps to never have another. Not fair to him or any sibling.

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                      #40
                      Re: I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

                      BTW, don't read the comments.

                      How on earth the people of the internet can ruin a story like (the good part of it) this pains me, but they can.
                      Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of HistoryPagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible
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                        #41
                        Re: I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

                        I loved having my children, never regretted it. But I would never presume to tell anyone either to have, or to not have their child. The only thing I would say is that if you do have a child, then do your best by it. It never asked to be born.
                        www.thewolfenhowlepress.com


                        Phantom Turnips never die.... they just get stewed occasionally....

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                          #42
                          Re: I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

                          I feel that it is terrible that a mother could cast off her child so casually.

                          I feel that it is wonderful that a child's father would do anything to keep her.

                          But what I feel doesn't mean shit, does it?
                          Every moment of a life is a horrible tragedy, a slapstick comedy, dark nihilism, golden illumination, or nothing at all; depending on how we write the story we tell ourselves.

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                            #43
                            Re: I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

                            If she had dropped off the baby at a safe haven location, this wouldn't be news. This is a story because of a disagreement between a husband and wife over something that has no grey area and should have prevented that marriage from occuring.
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                              #44
                              Re: I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

                              Originally posted by thalassa View Post
                              BTW, don't read the comments.

                              How on earth the people of the internet can ruin a story like (the good part of it) this pains me, but they can.
                              Thal, you should know better than to ever read the comments! Tsk tsk!
                              http://catcrowsnow.blogspot.com/

                              But they were doughnuts of darkness. Evil damned doughnuts, tainted by the spawn of darkness.... Which could obviously only be redeemed by passing through the fiery inferno of my digestive tract.
                              ~Jim Butcher

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                                #45
                                Re: I don't want my baby he has down syndrome

                                Don't walk in shoes you know nuttin about
                                Satan is my spirit animal

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