As some few of you know, my life is in a completely unrecognizable state of disarray. I don't know what's going on.

I was all stressed out about my upcoming disability hearing. And the very same day I have an appointment with my doctor, just a couple hours before it, I get a text basically saying "call me" from my wife. I call. I'm told she is filing for divorce.

This has not been an easy road for either of us. These last 20 months or so, trying to work on our relationship, was pretty much a last ditch effort, after she had left me way back when. I really thought we had made huge progress. No fights (we never had a single one!) and lots of 'please' and 'thank you's. So, I'm shocked. This makes NO sense. Everything was going along great and then, brick wall - stop. No words, no explanation, no communication, whatsoever. Total blackout.

So. After the stunningly unexpected news on the phone, I had to go in for my mental health review/recheck and see how my medications were working for me. I think I cried most of the time I was there, I don't actually remember. But since I was over the edge with depression, and all those wonderful dreams of graveyards and loony bins, as well as being pretty much slobberingly distracted, constantly, I'm given new prescriptions. Goodie. I HATE pills!!

One for panic attacks, that dosage was doubled. It makes the world all soft and fuzzy. Yeah, I guess I needed that!! The one for depression, that I was taking previously was simply renewed, and then I also got this third one.

Okay. Status check. I've got a tentative grip on my sanity and realizing a lot of things that just aren't right, for me, for what I want in life, for what I had expected in marriage, and for what my dismal future is ultimately bringing me, in very short order.

Analyze, prioritize. These things gotta go, these here need to be reduced, and I don't know WHAT the fuck to do what all of that. Okay, then, first things first. I went through my computer and changed passwords, everywhere that I was keeping an account, and closed the ones I wasn't keeping (since they were shared accounts - like ebay and paypal). I got rid of my own long dead forum, and even the domain and website that I had created for my wife. I deleted a bunch of websites from my bookmarks and came to PF... "what am I going to clean up here??"

With absolutely no notice given to anybody, I gave up my Administrative powers and all Mod abilities. I don't have time, patience or inclination to keep struggling with the technology of our software to create those damned treats that I kept wanting to have for members that became supporters. I put a lot of money into the purchase of this site (my wife approved and was proud of the purchase, as well) along with several others. Mostly Juni.

My thoughts on that. Hmm. You know when you go to a restaurant and order up a special dinner, not just some run of the mill, "I'll have the usual, Pete", you don't exactly look at the price you look at what's appealing, "what is going to go really good, right now?!"

Skip ahead, now, to the empty plate. The mess on the table. That's where I'm at. With everything. From Pagan Forum all the way down to, apparently, anyway, this marriage.


I'm having a hard time deciding about the tip. I'm disgusted, bruised, banished, alone, crippled and left in the ditch. I don't think I'm leaving a tip!