As some few of you know, my life is in a completely unrecognizable state of disarray. I don't know what's going on.
I was all stressed out about my upcoming disability hearing. And the very same day I have an appointment with my doctor, just a couple hours before it, I get a text basically saying "call me" from my wife. I call. I'm told she is filing for divorce.
This has not been an easy road for either of us. These last 20 months or so, trying to work on our relationship, was pretty much a last ditch effort, after she had left me way back when. I really thought we had made huge progress. No fights (we never had a single one!) and lots of 'please' and 'thank you's. So, I'm shocked. This makes NO sense. Everything was going along great and then, brick wall - stop. No words, no explanation, no communication, whatsoever. Total blackout.
So. After the stunningly unexpected news on the phone, I had to go in for my mental health review/recheck and see how my medications were working for me. I think I cried most of the time I was there, I don't actually remember. But since I was over the edge with depression, and all those wonderful dreams of graveyards and loony bins, as well as being pretty much slobberingly distracted, constantly, I'm given new prescriptions. Goodie. I HATE pills!!
One for panic attacks, that dosage was doubled. It makes the world all soft and fuzzy. Yeah, I guess I needed that!! The one for depression, that I was taking previously was simply renewed, and then I also got this third one.
Okay. Status check. I've got a tentative grip on my sanity and realizing a lot of things that just aren't right, for me, for what I want in life, for what I had expected in marriage, and for what my dismal future is ultimately bringing me, in very short order.
Analyze, prioritize. These things gotta go, these here need to be reduced, and I don't know WHAT the fuck to do what all of that. Okay, then, first things first. I went through my computer and changed passwords, everywhere that I was keeping an account, and closed the ones I wasn't keeping (since they were shared accounts - like ebay and paypal). I got rid of my own long dead forum, and even the domain and website that I had created for my wife. I deleted a bunch of websites from my bookmarks and came to PF... "what am I going to clean up here??"
With absolutely no notice given to anybody, I gave up my Administrative powers and all Mod abilities. I don't have time, patience or inclination to keep struggling with the technology of our software to create those damned treats that I kept wanting to have for members that became supporters. I put a lot of money into the purchase of this site (my wife approved and was proud of the purchase, as well) along with several others. Mostly Juni.
My thoughts on that. Hmm. You know when you go to a restaurant and order up a special dinner, not just some run of the mill, "I'll have the usual, Pete", you don't exactly look at the price you look at what's appealing, "what is going to go really good, right now?!"
Skip ahead, now, to the empty plate. The mess on the table. That's where I'm at. With everything. From Pagan Forum all the way down to, apparently, anyway, this marriage.
I'm having a hard time deciding about the tip. I'm disgusted, bruised, banished, alone, crippled and left in the ditch. I don't think I'm leaving a tip!
Monk(redundant I know but I felt maybe a little more personal)
In a continuing saga, I suppose, it's better to add to the existing frustration than to start a whole new cataclysm. Or something to that effect. So, with that... fucked up analogy, I'll say this:
I was able to fire off several texts to my wife, mostly in a disastrously desperate panic, that ended with my simply begging her to wait. To not do anything yet. Somewhere in the midst of all of that chaos, she changed the phone number on her cell. And accidentally sent me a text, from the new number. At least, that would be my assumption because the text was a 'resend' (not a FWD) of one she'd sent me DAYS earlier but this came from a different number. Yeah, so, once I got my head out of my ass, you know, where I usually keep it, for safe keeping, was when I sent her the "Please Wait" text, begging her not to slam the door on US, yet.
I had kind of vowed not to send her anything more until just before or just after the hearing, that's coming up. I mean, I know for a fact that I have been stressing about this fucking thing for quite a while, and that's not counted in months. That means I have been keeping the tension, the stress, the fucking PRESSURE built up, in our marriage, pretty much this whole time. Epiphany? I don't fuckin' know! I just know that I have something to do that is more important than anything else I've faced, for a long time. I have to aggressively put my life in order, my mental health back on track, my finances in place before I even THINK about trying to make anything up to my wife, for all that's been falling apart. (Of course, I'm not saying I'm solely to blame for these last 20 months not going as planned but I am admitting to being a powder keg, compared to her thimbleful, of high explosives.)
Yesterday was Ostara. I couldn't help myself. I am obsessed with trying to patch things up with Alison but fully intend to do it in proper order, with no false leads, no half truths and not one false promise. I sent her a text: It's the time of rebirth, basically, so it's time for me to apologize for my shortcomings, of late, and make good use of my time, right fuckin' now. Pretty much. I'm paraphrasing because, like the dumbass that I am, I didn't lock the text to save it, and promptly deleted it, this morning.
In a short derail, I mentioned that, in a text to Kelly, this morning, about not saving the Ostara text, he said "it got to where it mattered most." Why the fuck didn't I think of that? Here I am, I'm crushed that I don't have it?!? Unbelievable.
/end derail
Okay, reassessing everything I've accomplished, thus far, today. Nothing. Okay, no damage control needed there, then! Finallly! Something is looking up!!!
Yeah. It's looking up. It's looking up at me and snarling. Teeth bared, eyes narrowed. And snarling. "Hey, dumbshit! You're standing on my tail!"
But I do wish you well anyway.