So, a few of you all know what's been happening with me of late. From this imminent divorce to my Social Security Disability hearing to my struggles with everyday life. First off, let me say this: I'm doing OKAY. For those that have been worried about me? You can relax, now. ♥

For those that don't want, or need, to know why I've been behaving the way I have? Now would be the time to move along and find something else to read.

The Petition for Dissolution of Marriage was, mostly, a complete surprise. But only because I had been ignoring so much. My wife left me, back in 2010, and after a few months of chaos, the death of one of my late daughter's friends' mom passed away. Which provided an opportunity, basically, to be around my wife and very carefully start working on some sort of reconciliation. Which hit overdrive, when I moved my ass down to Iowa, where she was staying, to fix, replace and maintain anything that was needed to make the house LIVABLE. We had talked a great deal about what had been forcing us apart. We both agreed to work on it, our marriage and our love was worth it.

Fast-forward almost two years and things SEEMED to be running smoothly, or at least slowly improving. The fact was, though, that we still had yet to solve certain issues. I don't have a list, I'm not sure what they ALL are. But I am aware of a few. Communication, largely, had become more of a chore... probably because of my constant curiosity, and subsequent exploration, of anything worth talking about - including any and all of her thoughts, feelings, opinions and even beliefs. Then, my analytical mind and debate-loving character kick into high gear, and that really defeats the purpose of her sharing what WAS an honest piece of her, just so that I can sort of perfect that puzzle, so to speak.

Yeah. Bad dog; no biscuit. I, in effect, invalidated her beliefs and opinions just by wanting to pay SO much attention to her that I explored the shit out of her ideas, tore 'em up and gave her back MY ideas. Ouch!!! That was SO not what I had intended, at all, ever. And that's just one piece of that huge, complex world of... Jenga, actually.

Another fun game of Jenga was the total lack of any legal documentation (read as: doctor's reports) that supported my disability claim. In order for the claim to be approved, I had to prove that I am unable to work. AND, that I was unable to work PRIOR to December of 2007, when my coverage ended. I have ONE, just one, piece of paper that even hints to being disabled - it says that with all my limitations (back in 2002, this is) I can MAYBE do a 4-hour day of sedentary work. And proceeds to explain what physical activities I can and can't do, in those four hours. Of course, the MAIN point isn't the activities, it's the 4-hour work day that I might have been capable of doing that spells out, specifically, that I am not "unable to work". I was indeed capable of LIMITED work. Claim denied. Over two years spent, trying to prove how crippled I AM, after 25 years of trying to HIDE how crippled I am... I screwed myself, pretty bad, when I was younger. Not seeing doctors when I should have, mostly. If only...

Well, "if only" doesn't pay bills, buy food or get me ANYWHERE.

Getting ANYWHERE is a chore and a half, all by it's self. With the deterioration in my legs having affected my lower back and hips, now, even MORE of those simple household and personal hygiene activities are even MORE of a problem. Pain has been a constant companion of mine since December 22, 1986. Now, it's not just pain, it's immense pain. Often excruciating. All because I was standing BEHIND a car that got REAR-ENDED, crushing me between them.

Am I really looking for sympathy, for all this bullshit, that come racing down the pipe, at me? From my step-daughter Alissa's death, from brain cancer, to my wife's second bout with breast cancer, to my mom's heart troubles and pacemakers, to my mom's mental health issues to my OWN physical and mental health issues... sympathy? No. I just need a place to VENT.

I don't like pity, at all, and I seriously don't do well with getting advice (no offense to those that offer it up, to me, so kindly!!). I have this really fucked up tendency to connect sympathy to both pity and advice. I can even tell you where that came from... being in a wheelchair for so long.

If people weren't ignoring me, like I was some deaf, dumb and blind eggplant-in-a-chair, talking to whoever was with me, pushing the chair, asking, "What's the matter with him?" People would offer up pity, like I was a tub drain and they were just pouring in as much water as they could carry. Unbelievably enough, people would give this wheelchair-bound cripple ADVICE on who to sue, what to do and how to do it. Not friendly advice, mind you, but more like, "this is what you need to do!" I was a magnet for all sorts of the worst possible behaviors, shown by humans.

So now, when the going gets bad, and I mean 'my-daughter-is-dying' kind of "bad" not 'the credit card collections department won't stop calling me' kind... when the going gets REAL bad, I fall back on what I know. "Lock ALL them cocksuckers out!!" Being in the wheelchair, it was easy. Out of a 6 room house, I could only maneuver the chair into just TWO rooms, one of them being my bedroom. Go in, close the door and the world doesn't exist. Just me and my thoughts.

And every single one of these recent nightmares, all rolled into one, has caused that same exact reaction. Go to my room, lock the door and hide in my thoughts. Single-handedly take on my pain, and whatever suffering, in the echoing crevasses of my mind. People can't help, people are part of the problem.

It falls apart, horribly, when that darkness in my mind leads to my wanting to escape LIFE, altogether. And TRY suicide on, for size. Fortunately (yes, I said "fortunately'!!), I never succeeded in blowing my head off. Out of three attempts, I distinctly remember pulling the trigger on two of those occasions. But, somehow, I'm still here.

But that's a different story. And the point is that I AM here. Broken, sad, and terrified about what the future is going to hand me, next, but I'm HERE! And I'm (relatively speaking) back on PF! Thank you for reading!