For several months now I've felt spiritually blocked.

There are a couple of reasons, really. Since the very intense experience I had back last fall, it's felt as though I was I was on the right track, but missing something. I've been trying to call the god I saw Tyr...and it didn't feel right. This god was golden, and had a sense of gentle humor. He was like a lover, and his relationship with the dark haired, pale woman at his side was like a romance in full bloom. Calling him Tyr felt too...somber, perhaps. It felt wrong that a goddess who felt strong (even if quiet) would disappear entirely, as well.

I've tried meditation, and the overwhelming feeling was that I'd figure it out soon enough, just hang in there, and keep my eyes and ear open.

The past three months have been rough. But...I coped, and I got stronger for it. I learned how to solve my problems like the adult that I am. To take responsibility for my actions, and not go running back to the divine with every little scrape and hurt. And you know what? For the first time in my life, I'm beginning to feel empowered. I can handle my problems, I can tell someone to back up if they're misusing their relationship with me, and I don't need to run back and apologize for having a backbone. Time after time in the past three months that pattern, learning to distinguish when someone deserves mercy, and when they need a line drawn, has repeated itself and I've slowly learned to stand up for myself.

And then yesterday, on my birthday of all days, I happened to be on a website completely unrelated to pagan practice, and stumble into talking with someone who just happens to define themselves as a Northern Tradition Pagan. In turn, that led me to a website a friend of theirs runs, that included shrines to various gods. An awful lot of coincidences, there...

He had a page to Freyr, who I knew little about, except that he was a fertility god, rode a boar, and was Freya's brother. One of the images he had (not even a very good image, mind you...obviously something someone had used a basic computer program to draw) was of Freyr and his wife, Gerda.

Chills. My heart rose up in my chest and I burst into tears.

The pieces fit together now. I can't even write this without the hair standing up on the back of my neck all over again. So many little details fit together into one beautiful whole. Things that I didn't even tie to The Divine when they happened..how emotional I kept getting last fall, watching the fields of grain as they turned gold and glistened in the sun...something I'd never seen before, and filled me with this sense of beauty and awe.

There's still a little voice in the back of what I'm feeling that says "Well, what if it's all in your head?". If that's the case, if all this is me simply tapping into a cosmic archetype, I'm ok with that. At the same time, though, this has been such an unexpected surprise, after I had all but given up, and was simply calling them god and goddess.

I am so happy right now, I don't even have words.