After almost four years of having my "online home" be Pagan Forum, I ventured out online over the past couple of weeks to see if I could find more information given my last post. Specifically about Frey.
Holy cats...I'm not used to being a newb. I'm used to being an old-timer, with "cool open-minded other person who hangs with us" status. Letting go of the latter here on PF as my beliefs have changed has been difficult enough...being a newb again has been surprisingly brutal.
The first forum was "too soft". A lot of the stuff that we tend to gently tease about on here, particularly the "I'm the great high priestess of so-and-so" types. How can someone learn anything if whatever they say goes unchallenged? It leads to a culture ripe for dishonesty, where someone can abuse their perceived status to manipulate the ill-informed. There is no need to rant on this one.
Yet, the second forum was "too hard". I hate to admit it...I like to think of myself as being able to "hold my own", but I can be pretty damn thin-skinned. Reconstructionism becomes elitist far too quickly for my taste.
First, if you believe that what little you have should be treated as all there is, there's a serious problem. What is the logical fallacy for that? "I have only ever seen brown cows, therefore ALL COWS are brown." I agree--firmly-- with making sure that people read original sources. To say, though, that what little we have, via archeology, texts, etc, should be treated as scripture is a horrible mistake.
Second, I strongly disagree with the idea that Unverified Personal Gnosis has no place in modern heathen beliefs. Particularly the assumption that our ancestors did not experience any kind of personal relationship with The Divine. If that is the case, then why would they bother with religion? You have just written the story of a nation of atheists, and would probably have a more fruitful experience playing viking through the SCA. If the gods did not speak to me, or you, then we would all still be Christian. It's that simple.
Yes, UPG from one person is a scary thing. That leads to charismatic cult leaders and koolaid. However, multiple people having similar, harmonizing experiences, is the basis of religious group unity. If people are not allowed to talk about their personal experiences, to check them against the larger whole and see if they are in keeping, or way off-base, then the group as a whole is refusing the very thing which would allow them to grow into a full-fledged belief system, a religion.
To steal from Jung, if all you accept is the logic of Apollo, without the raw emotion of Dionysus, it is out of balance, and not a unified "whole". Religion is a deeply emotional thing...to deny that is to castrate the experience, to render impotent the power that is the root and origin of attraction while feeling smug over one's ability to successfully navigate and argue the minutia.
How does one find balance? How do you encourage a love and a knowledge of of the poetry and myth...the ins and outs, awareness of the way various texts agree or disagree, as well as the beauty of the text, while at the same time encouraging modern creativity and connection?
Other places, where there are actual heathen groups, does this sort of mesh take place? Are there people out there successfully building a modern, vibrant kinship, based on modern needs and concerns, not just the past?
After two weeks of reading, I have more questions then I have answers, and for the first time in months, I've missed the high emotion of interactions with someone like my MIL...this Easter I am not part of that in-group anymore, and they can feel it, even if they don't know the reasons.
I am hungry for community, for people who have families, and are raising their children with similar values. I am hungry for a mentor, someone who would not expect me to lean on their ever word, or who would misuse their position, but who has a relationship with Frey or Gerd, and who I could go to with questions, and listen to their story of their path.
Right now, though...I walk alone with religion for the first time in my life, and it is painful, despite the beauty of learning to be my own woman.
It actually reminds me of something during my days of studying dance in college. I like to sit, study my space, and then plan out my dance before I act it out. Unfortunately, my teachers only saw me during my planning phases. They would lecture me about how I needed to just dance and move around until I figured something out. Religion, like dance, needs to be contemplated as well as acted out in order to understand the most of those dichotomies.