Required materials:

Toy money
Plain candle, standard size and scent-less
Expediting form, standard inter-office memo, or dummy email (see below)
Processing fee, to be payed forward

Fill out form or email, explaining necessity, preferred measures taken, and desire for completion as soon as possible. Be sure and mention appropriate recompense.

Sample:

St. Expedite et al.,

My job search in the Bay Area has stretched on a bit long and we need it to resolve as quickly as possible.* Please put a rush on a job for me, with the opportunity for career growth and earning a minimum salary of $35k a year (with overtime, as necessary).* A larger salary would, of course, also be acceptable...

We are submitting an expediting fee of $30 ($15 per item) that we will deposit via a padded tip when we purchase food tomorrow (Monday, 5/7).* We will also submit a $1,000,000,000,000 bill for incineration as part of this fee.

Please feel free to contact me should any questions arise.* I will, of course, allow 24-72 hours for processing, as normal.

Thank you.


Light the candle, call on Saint Expedite(or, better yet, use the AOL mail chime), and explain the circumstances. Burn the play money and form(if using). Pay the actual fee forward, in the form of a nice tip, donation to a foundation, etc.

Wait 2-3 business days for conformation, and up to 2 weeks for action taken. Do not perform on a Friday, as this is a holy day when no business is done. Alcohol is discouraged, but will be ignored if consumed discretely in clear form or otherwise concealed.

A more advanced altar setup available here.

Declaimer: There is a metric ton of stuff about the mythical St. Expedite on the internet. I have read none of it. Inspired by this thread and developed over a couple of beers with my spouse, L, utilizing his experiences in the shipping industry.