‎" I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies."

This is possibly the best analogy for growing up I have ever heard (thanks to Buffy the Vampire Slayer for it) and recently it has meant a great deal to me. Growing up is a horrible and hard thing, for a number of reasons. For one thing every time you think you have got to a stage where you are happy with yourself the world turns around and throws lemons at you (I've been told this is something that will happen forever... god damnit). For another thing the world likes to throw up your bad points when you least expect it.

Lately I have discovered that my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness and that my compassion for people is usually what leaves me most hurt. I had a great heart to heart with one of my best friends last night. He is like the male version of me (scary as that sounds) and he makes me look at myself in a whole new way. I have a very large capacity for self-hatred which is never a productive trait in anyone. YET I see so much I like in myself. I always know how I feel (when I don't there is something wrong), I love unconditionally, I try to help anyone and everyone I care for far before myself, I have so many dreams that I am determined to follow come hell or high water and I always try and do the right thing. It petrifies me to do the wrong thing.

Sometimes lately I look in the mirror and I am proud of what I see and sometimes I'm not.

The way I see it we are all due one giant heart-wrenching cock up in our lives. We are also due many small cock-ups that make us re-consider our lives and look twice at ourselves in the mirror to see if what is there is really what we want to see. If our actions have created the right outcome or the wrong outcome is what we want to know when we look in the mirror. Whither we have met our own moral standards or whither we have tripped up and don't like what we see anymore.

Right now I am considering all these things. I feel like I'm at a cross roads. Down one way is the person I was 6 months ago, and down the other is this unknown person who I don't know whither I like or not. It seems like I could be walking into a cock-up, or walking out of one that could happen anyway. Either way I am still cookie dough and I have this to fight through and think through.

I don't even know why I am putting this up as a blog but I feel I want to write it out as I go. Sometimes the world likes to throw you a curve ball just to see how you jump. I'd like to have something to look back at in the next little while and see how my head changed. I don't expect any replies. I'm not very interesting :P BUT as I said I want a record of how I deal with my head. I can't fix things if I can't look back.