ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

[Caelia]

Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

Let me start off with saying it's OK to feel what you're feeling. It's very natural, and that's why when people "go against the grain" they're met with a lot of opposition from self and others (and their response is natural as well). I found examining that opposition led to a better understanding of my beliefs.

Now comes the fun part. People who judge you solely for following a different spiritual path tend to never examine their own in my experience.

[Yazichestvo]

Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

Awhile back, a Christian who had never met me came up to me, and told me that God had told him to save me. I suspect he knew something about me, but I still get the sense that the Christian God wants me and my worship. Still, if that's proof of the Christian God, then I've had far more reason to believe in Perun and Thor as well.

To make any religious decision based on fear is wrong to me. It's nothing more than unenlightened self-interest, and it shouldn't impress any deity any more than it impresses me. If I take fear out of the equation, my choice is obvious, Christianity is nonsensical to me, moreso than any mainstream religion I could possibly chose. Personally, I have a much harder time struggling with agnosticism and atheism. Like Marcus Aurelius said:

“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”

[PoisonTears]

Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

Sometimes I feel so disconnected with everything in the spiritual world. With 2 jobs and home life it seems my poor mind can't think clearly enough anymore to even study. I fall asleep reading after only a few pages from exhaustion, yet I cannot NOT work and take care of the annoyances of life. How do you do it?I feel like I"m going insane from frustration and disconnection from the important things. Or am I just being a cry baby?(ranting again, having another rough patch)
it doesnt help that I have no one to talk to about these things. People either wont understand or not care enough to bother. I feel really alone right now.

[Ophidia]

Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

Sometimes I feel so disconnected with everything in the spiritual world. With 2 jobs and home life it seems my poor mind can't think clearly enough anymore to even study. I fall asleep reading after only a few pages from exhaustion, yet I cannot NOT work and take care of the annoyances of life. How do you do it?I feel like I"m going insane from frustration and disconnection from the important things. Or am I just being a cry baby?(ranting again, having another rough patch)
It doesn't help that I have no one to talk to about these things. People either won't understand or not care enough to bother. I feel really alone right now.

I've been through this type of thing so many times, and you're not alone. Chances are, someone (or many someones) around you are dealing with the same type of thing. It's usually just crap that ends up happening to everyone from time to time. At one point in my life I was working two full-time jobs and a part-time job. Eventually, I had to quit everything because if I wasn't falling asleep at work, I was screwing something else up, and stress was taking its toll on my health and mental wellness. No one should ever want to push themselves to that point, but many of us do - and we don't just do it once and learn from it, no, we keep doing it. It took a near miss with a stroke to finally slap some sense into me.

I know it's the hardest thing to do because it will seem like there's always something 'more important' you should be doing, but try to set yourself 5 or 10 minutes a day to reconnect. It can even be on a break at work. Just sit, tune into yourself, and breathe. Or stand up and stretch. Walk outside, get away from the textbook or job stuff, run some water into your cupped hands or just turn off the computer monitor and take a breath. Find something of beauty in your surroundings, or bring something beautiful with you that you can focus on. Take a 'power-nap' or a 'power-meditation' moment.

It's not risky behavior, and just because you take a break for 5 or 10 minutes doesn't mean you'll throw everything out the window and run amok. If you feel horrible about spending some time on yourself, get a kitchen timer and set it for that 5 or 10 minute span. Pretty soon, instead of feeling guilty about it, or finding reasons to not do it, you'll find yourself looking forward to that daily break.

[Jembru]

Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

Perzephone's advice was great and actually quite moving to read. I won't even attempt to follow that. What I was thinking though, was in the meantime, while you are still in your current situation, could you consider combining your daily routine with your spiritual work?

I don't know how you express your religion so I am not sure how much of this you could use but some examples could be..

There is a cheesy book in my library called 'Magick for the Wild Woman' and although just a bit of fun, it has some cute ideas in it. One I liked was to use making your morning cup of tea or coffee as a daily devotion. The cup of course, being like a mini cauldron.

I rewrote the spell but it was something like 'A little luck, a touch of the wild, a pinch of joy, a hint of style' (said while adding the ingredients), 'in every way, throughout my day, all good things will come my way'. Of course, you can made it less cheesy by making it an actual prayer to your deities. I assume at some point in your hectic day, you'll make a drink of some kind, so it's an idea.

Another idea is a walking meditation. You have to practise because you need to stay alert enough not to walk in front of a car, but presuming you walk at times throughout your day, you can learn to go into a heightened state of awareness. I learnt this from a book called 'Awakening Spirits' by Tom Brown Jr. I think it is out of print but it exists on Amazon and he has other books in print that surely offer the same lessons.

You could add a few herbs to your food too. It would take a second and you could add them for their healing benefits, or even for their magical properties, if magic is your thing. I'm sure some of the experienced kitchen witches on the site could offer detailed advice on this if it's an idea that appeals to you.

I could go on, but you get the idea. It is hopefully just a temporary phase in your life. I can only imagine how hard it is for you and hope things improve soon. Be kind to yourself, You have my blessings.

[PoisonTears]

Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

Thank you for your kind words, its been a really rough weekend for me. I've ben so depressed I've accomplished nothing but to lie here ...sleep or lie in darkness wondering how to escape from this mundane life of mine. my spirits are definitely hurting.
My biggest problem with stepping away for five to ten minutes is that I always seem to get interrupted. always. no matter what I start as soon as I start it , someone wants something else from me. I get so frustrated. In this tiny over crowded house I dont have anywhere to get away and hide for a few minutes accept possibly the bathroom...outside is just too damn cold this time of year.
I wish I had the strength I see have of you others with.

[AuroraWinters]

Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

being diffrent is So hard, being brave is so hard, all of these things I've needed to even THINK of the things I have in the last year.

Yes, it is hard. It's even harder to be different when you know you're different, but not entirely sure why... It's easier to be brave and project your true self when you're confident in who you are, but if you don't know yourself, you have no idea what to stick up for. The past few months have been hard on me. I feel lost, and like I have no idea who I am as a person anymore. I've been trying to find some peace in a spiritual path but even that isn't set in absolute stone. I have no real ritual or religious creed that I can turn to for comfort. I know that it's missing in my life and I've been trying to work on that as well as the rest of my identity. But it's hard. It's just one of those things that takes time and a lot of exploration, I guess. I've always envied people that seem so sure of themselves and everything they do. I think it helps to think that even the people who seem confident and at peace probably are still learning and growing themselves - maybe they've just come to accept that that's part of life and not to get stressed about it? Maybe it's not 100% knowledge and finding your niche that brings you peace, but just learning to accept that clueless-ness is a part of the human condition? And that there's no sense worrying about what's going to be right or wrong for you 10 years from now, as long as it feels right for your path right now.

[Calmreflect]

Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

Hello,

If you're struggling and confused, I suggest praying to Jesus. I was an agnostic and I was confused about what the truth was. I had an encounter at a hospital which seemed definitely like it was a Christian angel. Then I began to see more signs about Jesus that show that he is real. You can pray for him to give you hope, to open your heart to the word, and to give you faith in him and God the Father. Jesus is a form of God and it's important to accept his sacrifice for sin. People do evil things to each other in this world. There are a lot of different types of struggles here. Jesus spoke of everlasting life through faith in the New Testament. Heaven is eternal life with no suffering so it's important to have faith in Jesus! I suggest praying to him often for faith and for him to open your heart then try reading the New Testament. The bible seems different to read when a person's heart is open to it. =) I hope everything turns out alright for you. Jesus can give people hope and help them with their lives if they pray and talk to him. He's lord in heaven.

Matthew 6:24 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." - accepting his sacrifice grants a person eternal life in heaven
John 1:10 "He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not." - referring to Jesus and showing that he is a form of God
The trinity: Father, Son (Jesus), and Holy Ghost are the truth.

Take care

Here's a free online bible for those interested - <link removed. please follow forum rules.>

[Ophidia]

Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

I wish I had the strength I see have of you others with.

But you do have it. You're strong enough to deal with anything the Universe throws at you. Winter will end.

And it's perfectly ok to hide out in the bathroom. Trust me on this one

[PoisonTears]

Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

Thats exactly what I did yesterday. I hide out in the bathroom, turned on the sink, and stuck my head in the sink. I let the sound and feel of the water relax me as I whispered my own little prayer of release.
in answer to Calmreflect: I grew up in the Christian path and felt very much an outsider in that world. I prayed for years to the Christian gods and was rewarded with great pain and suffering. I do not dislike these deity's but after my last nearly deadly disappoint on that path I am afraid I have no more faith in that area. However as most of my family is Christan I have great respect for their believes and ideals, i just cannot follow them.
I struggled all my life trying to be someone I wasnt and it wasnt until I discovered paganisms that i felt like I belonged somewhere. Of Course, this is part of my great and painful confusions in life.

[Laketear]

Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

PoisonTears EVERY SINGLE Q. you just asked I've asked myself one time or another and sometimes all I could do was curl up inside myself and block the rest of the world. Whenever I want to escape it all I'll usually turn to music and I guess the word would be 'rediscover' myself in the world inside my head listening to music and going for long walks is what I do now to clear my head. But I still don't have any of those answers sometimes I think what I really need is patience and wait because the time to know the truth isn't here yet but is that what I really need or am I just telling myself that and wasting time instead of looking for the answers? I honestly don't know but the one thing I do know is that I WILL have those answers one day I won't die till I know the truth I can't allow myself to forget that and sometimes that's the only reason I pull myself out of bed. The only thing I can tell you is to find something to hold onto in those times where all you have are questions and you feel like no one is listening find 'something' keep searching till you have and then don't let it go. It can be anything you know? Maybe that's why I had such a hard time I didn't have anything and then when I found it I still wasn't sure if it was enough but I made it enough I ended up melding myself around it and now...now I just sit and wait. I still wonder if it's enough sometimes but it keeps me going when I really need it to.
I hope you find the same or at least something similar to carry you to the thing your soul needs most...or whatever it is you need.


Laketear
(Currently listening to Starve the Ego, Feed the Soul by Glitch Mob.)

[Polytheist]

Re: ever wonder who you really are?( my rant)

I feel drawn to Thor for several reasons, AND before I knew what it meant I felt compelled to drawn valknuts one evening while pondering religion. only later did I realize it was also a norse symbol. I am also drawn to shamanisn and animals guides. I am drawn to dogs and wolves more so then I am to other humans. I feel a massive void in my soul not being ablew to own one where I live (i gre up with them). I am also a little drawn to astrology, I am a cancer and also a dragon (and its the year of the dragon!). I am drawn to nature, I love to be outside in the sun, in the fresh air, in the elements.

Hi. I think a good experiment would be to follow the calls you mention in your quote above. Just follow them and see what happens. You mention Thor, the valknut, animal guides, dogs and wolves, astrology, nature in general, and being outdoors. Those are seven concepts. You could think of them as seven keys, each one opening a different door to your deeper self.

Here is what I personally believe. I believe each of us has the patronage of a power. Right now, right this minute, some power is your patron, I believe. Do you want to know its name? It has seven names: thunder god, valknut, animal guides, dogs and wolves, astrology, nature in general, and being outdoors. So great is its interest in you that it has whispered its seven names into your ear. So great is your receptivity that you have heard its whisperings. You are already engaged in a conversation and you are doing quite well at holding up your end! I suggest you make use of these seven names of magical import. Press the seven keys into the seven locks and open the seven doors. Take every opportunity to be engaged with one of these seven concepts. What unfolds will be surprising and wonderful!