a request for help

[Poshi]

New here, and looking to introduce myself!

Hello, everyone! I wanted to take this opportunity to say hi!

I've been searching for a long while for a forum that I feel has a friendly atmosphere and is less competitive than some of the other Pagan sites out there. I am looking for a positive, more personal experience and have noticed that all of you on this site are very kind and supportive of others. I've seen that within the Pagan community, as with all religious communities, there can be a lot of debate about what is "right" and what is "wrong". I've always felt that that misses the point entirely, and that a person's spiritual beliefs are about what works for them and what makes them happy. Here, I see all of you helping members on the site work their way through their questions patiently, kindly, and without judgement. On the internet, that is a very rare thing to find!

My name is Senka Sophia, but I go by Po. I've been studying different religions for several years, but for the last two I have been involved in Wicca. I feel a strong connection to the Celtic pantheon due to my ancestry, and I am looking forward to further exploring not only Wicca in general, but also information regarding Celtic religion.

I hope to get to know all of you, and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask me anything that comes to mind!

[Quetzal]

Re: New here, and looking to introduce myself!

Welcome to the forum Po! You're right, I'm new here too, and this place has a real family atmosphere. Everyone's lovely. Hope you enjoy your time!

[Willow]

Re: New here, and looking to introduce myself!

Welcome.

[Gardenia]

Re: New here, and looking to introduce myself!

Welcome, I hope you enjoy it here.

[Juniper]

Re: Annnd I'm backkkk....

Kaylalalalala! Welcome back, girl!

(Do you sell said lotion and lip balms?)

[Poshi]

Re: New here, and looking to introduce myself!

Welcome to the forum Po! You're right, I'm new here too, and this place has a real family atmosphere. Everyone's lovely. Hope you enjoy your time!

Thank you so much! I'm really excited to be a part of a community that will allow me to truly be myself without feeling like what I want to express will cause an uproar.

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Thank you kindly for all the warm welcomes!

[Oshii]

Re: New here, and looking to introduce myself!

Welcome to the Forum.

[Malflick]

Re: New here, and looking to introduce myself!

Welcome to the Forums Po ! This is indeed a very nice place, and I hope you like it here!

[Infernal_Enlitenment]

Questions and help.

This is normally the place I am sure where people meet and greet. Say who they are why they are here and they look forward to talking to you more. I wish that my story started like that. I wish I could come to you and say I am here because I am looking to grow my knowledge base in my chosen religion and be enriched by the experiences of others. That is what I would like to say but unfortunately I cannot.

I am here because well I was scared. My whole life. I was raised in a typical Baptist environment and I had fear driven into me from the start. I was told how I have some worth but without God I would surely perish in hell and the torment I would endure would be beyond anything I could imagine. My home life was already torment I did not need to be told my after life would be to. At a young age mostly due to cinema believe it or not I was always fascinated with Magic. I know what your thinking I was young enough to be fascinated but old enough to know its not real. I became a witch because in my mind it seemed more freedom. There were so many gods there were traditions for each a way to live that did not revolve around fear. I was happy for a time.

Then my parents found out and I don't want to say what they did but it scarred me then. I wanted my parents to burn in truth I wanted the whole town to burn up until this point I was following Govinda. Since I was raised as a Baptist and had already at one point embraced a father it was easy for me to pick another. That changed I wanted wrath I wanted the people who hurt me to hurt as well. So I switched to Kali and while I won't tell you I was able to flay skin or hurt people I certainly began to want her to make them pay. It never happened but at this time I wasn't willing to do what was necessary to make that happen. So I ran away that was so many years ago.

Now I am a different person almost I have always from that point on felt Kali is a much better fit for me. I started to want to be darker I wanted real power I didn't want to be a fortune teller on the road or some fake TV psychic I wanted to have true power. At whatever cost. So I killed animals in her name. I respected them of course they are sacrifices to my god and deserve nothing less than divinity. I gave my blood as well. I wanted to be drunk with power I wanted it all and I was not afraid to go to any lengths to achieve them. I know what many of you may be thinking but I assure you this is accurate. It felt good.

As it is always with these things this was never good enough you always want more. I wanted to move up in my job at one point and it was between me and someone else. I wanted my competition removed so I gave my blood and a squirrel as an offering. I wanted the competition to be incapacitated. He got sick and missed almost three weeks of work. I don't know all the details but what I do know is it all started after my sacrifices. There were more and more incidents like that. I began to feel different. I didn't stop whatever I wanted that would not cost someone else their life I got. Sickness, accidents, even a broken leg. Sure it could be coincidence but one that always works in my favor?

Then the fear came after an incident in which someone wound up in the hospital for more than an outpatient procedure. I stopped I began to constantly call myself evil. Always any time I felt an urge I would remind myself of how evil these acts are. I know what your thinking and the magic if you will that was used can be just as well used for good but to me I felt at this point a line had been crossed. So I felt my acts constituted more than selfish but evil. One night alone in my bed I reptilian head appeared to me. I am not saying it was a ghost, or a demon. I in truth do not know what it was it was ethereal there but not there. I remember it roared at me and then I don't remember anything. Ever since that incident I have felt stronger but at a cost I do not wish to pay.

I feel like there is something that dwells within me a darkness. I feel it when I get angry or upset. Its like an itch a want to make the focus of my anger pay with blood if need be. I have to fight against it when I am upset. Its there just below the surface waiting for me to slip. The crazy thing is the madder I get the better it feels. The more I want to let the little monster out to play. That's when I decided to try a group again. So I joined a coven. I thought I could temper the beast with understanding and compassion. How wrong I was.

You see like minded people existed there and we I can't explain it fed off each other's desires. Not in a physical sense but whenever I was with them. Whenever we were together whatever was inside me relished and reveled in what was inside them. The darker they got the more darker I wanted to be. We did things I can never take back. I was ashamed so I ran. Which it turns out was a good thing. I was told that several members from that coven were never heard from. How true that is I do not know but there are men after me now. Several times I have been told that men have been looking for me. I fled to another state trying to start over again forget what it was like. That's when I was told two men specifically were looking for me. One is named Samuel. Not sure why they want me or who they are but I am told that I should not be found. He has a friend he is also seen with named Dean. Not sure who they are or what they want but I don't plan on being found.

I still have that darkness inside me that hunger the thrill of how it felt but I promise I am trying to change. I don't know what to do. I feel like something inside me is not broken. That would be the wrong word I feel like something within me is strong and fierce. I don't want it but I don't know how to go back. I don't want to see what these men have planned and I do not want to let go of the power. I have no idea how to turn around can anyone help? Sometimes I feel it is too late...I think I am damned.

[Gleb]

Re: New here, and looking to introduce myself!

On this forum we try to help each other, I am new on this forum as well, and I feel like I have obtained one more family.
Paganism isn't so spread on earth today, so we can talk here freely and without fear.
Welcome to the Forum, comrade!

[Malflick]

Re: New here, and looking to introduce myself!

(and oh hey, you're from Indiana ! Double welcome from a fellow Hoosier!)

[InspiringRaine]

Re: New here, and looking to introduce myself!

Welcome to the Forum.

[Chessa]

Re: New here, and looking to introduce myself!

You're right! The people here are friendly! ...that is, until we become zombies and eat your brains... but we still ask politely first.

[Poshi]

Re: New here, and looking to introduce myself!

(and oh hey, you're from Indiana ! Double welcome from a fellow Hoosier!)

Well hello! It's funny how you can meet people on the internet and then find out they're so close by!

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You're right! The people here are friendly! ...that is, until we become zombies and eat your brains... but we still ask politely first.

Well, I do value manners greatly, so as long as we're all on the same page there's nothing wrong with a little brain eating.

[mikeee741]

Hi

Hi everybody
i am newbie here.