Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it :(

[Serene]

Re: Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it

I agree with you on this. I asked him how he would feel if I started hanging out with this other guy I used to be friends with whom I do find attractive and he said he wouldn't like it. He said that its somehow different because they have known each other for so long? Oi.

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Now this is the relationship I am striving for.

[Juniper]

Re: Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it

I personally think the moment you tell someone they can't hang out with a friend, that's the moment you're taking away their freedom of choice and that is extremely hurtful to a relationship... If it doesn't destroy it. I'd say the only exceptions would be if the third party is being harmful to anyone involved or if it's a mutual decision.

[Simon Slade]

Re: Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it

I agree with you on this. I asked him how he would feel if I started hanging out with this other guy I used to be friends with whom I do find attractive and he said he wouldn't like it. He said that its somehow different because they have known each other for so long? Oi.

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Now this is the relationship I am striving for.

You said that their relationship is almost brother and sister. You wanting to hang out with a guy you've been attracted to as some kind of revenge isn't going to sit well with anyone.

[orchestrion]

Re: Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it

You said that their relationship is almost brother and sister. You wanting to hang out with a guy you've been attracted to as some kind of revenge isn't going to sit well with anyone.

I agree with this so much. You can't compare the two, Serene. If he's not attracted to this girl and you are attracted to this guy it's not equal at all.
I didn't want to say anything about this topic but I really feel that wanting to bar someone you're with from maintaining a relationship with someone they care about seems wrong to me. He's going to have other women who matter to him in his life, he won't want to cheat on you with every single one of them and especially not one he loves like a sister, who's married with two kids and who he has no history with in all of the time he's known her. I understand that you're insecure, I get the same way for a lot of reasons and have gotten the whole "he's so unstable" thing (which is a total low blow, not at all constructive or helpful), but you need to try to not let it negatively impact the people in your life whom you care about or keep you from enjoying your relationship. A relationship shouldn't be his entire life, he should be allowed to care for different people differently and he shouldn't have to hide his friendship with her or break it off to make you happy. :\
On the other hand, I also think he should be sensitive to your insecurities and should work with them and I hope he picks up on the fact that you're not comfortable with the situation and the two of you can reach a middle ground here. But I don't think things like telling her she's a good mother are indicative of a problem.

[thalassa]

Re: Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it

You said that their relationship is almost brother and sister. You wanting to hang out with a guy you've been attracted to as some kind of revenge isn't going to sit well with anyone.

This. Especially out of what seems to be a sort of tit for tat misplaced vengeance thing.

My husband is my best friend...now, after almost 8 years of marriage. We didn't start out that way, and I certainly never tried to change him or whom he was friends with to better suit my insecurities or prejudices. And I'm the more jealous/possessive one in our relationship. If I had tried to pull the sort of comment you made with my husband, his answer would have been something along of the lines of "go ahead, I trust you not to act on that attraction, and if you did it would be pretty pathetic". TBH, when we were first dating, I had a thing for one of The Hubby's good friends (which was reciprocated), we've all even made the joke that if it *hadn't* worked out between me and The Hubby, we probably would have ended up dating...and its not a big deal, because we are all responsible enough and mature enough and had enough respect for one another not to act on it. Additionally, The Hubby and I have both been fleetingly (or even not so fleetingly) attracted to other people (and even friends with them)...but we made a commitment and we aren't slaves to our hormones, so its not a big deal, just something to talk honestly about with one another.

[FantasyWitch]

Re: Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it

I've just read the thread, and I think it's important to ask how old you are, and also what sort of relationships you've had before.

In response to the actual question, I don't have a problem with my boyfriends female friends. They are also my friends, and although that took quite a while to come about, I trust him not to hurt me and he trusts me not to hurt him. It's that simple.
Also acting in a vengeful way (like getting in touch with someone you were previously attracted to just to get a rise from him) is just silly and immature. Your boyfriend is going to feel trapped in a net after that reaction from you. x

[AuroraWinters]

Re: Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it

I would honestly be concerned about what you read on facebook. To me, that is a huge red flag that he is not in this relationship for the long haul. And the fact that he would be chatting about these feelings of not knowing if he can handle you long term with another female would bug the shit out of me. It's one thing for guys to get together and bitch and moan about their ladies - but I think it's another thing if he's sharing these things with a different woman.

You just moved in together and are apparently starting a company together but he's telling some other woman that he thinks you're emotionally unstable and he doesn't think he'll be able to handle that long-term? I think, even if there is no romantic past and no sexual tension, that a part of him idealizes her as a good wife/mother/partner/whatever, and if he's talking shit to someone he's always idealizing about you, that you will never live up to these standards. And I think it is utter BS for him to admit that he'd have a problem with you having a close male friend, but you are supposed to put up with his close female friend?

For the record, I do think that men and women can totally be just friends. But I think that a whole new dimension gets opened when they cross a certain level of closeness. And I believe that the term "best friend" is one of them. To me, a partner should be your best friend that you get romantic with, or you should have a partner and then a best friend of the gender you are not attracted to. If your romantic partner and your best friend are the same gender but not the same person, I see problems just waiting to arise. I know many people will disagree with me, but that's how I feel on the subject.

Ultimately, in most situations like this, I would say to calm down, but there are several things that strike me as not right. Trust is earned, not blindly given. And if he's truly acting in a shady, hypocritical manner, I think you have every right to be upset.

[Simon Slade]

Re: Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it

I would honestly be concerned about what you read on facebook. To me, that is a huge red flag that he is not in this relationship for the long haul. And the fact that he would be chatting about these feelings of not knowing if he can handle you long term with another female would bug the shit out of me. It's one thing for guys to get together and bitch and moan about their ladies - but I think it's another thing if he's sharing these things with a different woman.

You just moved in together and are apparently starting a company together but he's telling some other woman that he thinks you're emotionally unstable and he doesn't think he'll be able to handle that long-term? I think, even if there is no romantic past and no sexual tension, that a part of him idealizes her as a good wife/mother/partner/whatever, and if he's talking shit to someone he's always idealizing about you, that you will never live up to these standards. And I think it is utter BS for him to admit that he'd have a problem with you having a close male friend, but you are supposed to put up with his close female friend?

For the record, I do think that men and women can totally be just friends. But I think that a whole new dimension gets opened when they cross a certain level of closeness. And I believe that the term "best friend" is one of them. To me, a partner should be your best friend that you get romantic with, or you should have a partner and then a best friend of the gender you are not attracted to. If your romantic partner and your best friend are the same gender but not the same person, I see problems just waiting to arise. I know many people will disagree with me, but that's how I feel on the subject.

Ultimately, in most situations like this, I would say to calm down, but there are several things that strike me as not right. Trust is earned, not blindly given. And if he's truly acting in a shady, hypocritical manner, I think you have every right to be upset.

I read this and all I got was sexism.

[AuroraWinters]

Re: Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it

I read this and all I got was sexism.

Like I said, many people will probably disagree with me on the dynamics between men and women where friendship is concerned, but this is simply what my experiences have been. I don't see anything particularly "sexist"... not really sure what you mean. I never said anything about how women can be friends with men but men can't friends with women, or even anything about how "women are this way and men are this way"... which is what sexism is - saying that men as a group are certain way and women as a group are a certain way, and they are that because of their sex... just that there is a different dynamic between men and women than there is between men and men or women and women... If you disagree, that's fine. But I don't see where the "sexist" label comes from, implying that I am putting men and women in very specific and unfair categories. I personally think it's delusional to say there aren't some differences between how men and women interact vs. interacting within the same gender.

I still think his comments about how she is mentally unstable and how he won't be able to put up with it forever is still a red flag. That was my main concern, and if he's saying things like this about her, regardless of who he's saying it to, that that should be her main concern and is not something to just brush off unless she wants a rude "surprise" months later when he breaks it off.

[Jembru]

Re: Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it

I didn't find your message particularly sexist either. There's no harm in needing your partner to be your closest friend. I'm in that club, and Tylluan said she is too. My partner is male, but I expected the exact same closeness from Natalia, and while she had close female and male friends, I'd have been upset if she had a best friend, of any gender that she felt as close to or closer to, than she was to me. That said, I still call her my 'best friend', but it's a term i use lightly these days. I'm no way near as close to her now as I am with JP, but if I was, I think he'd be within his rights to object to my closeness to someone who is essentially an ex.

[PhoenixMask]

Re: Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it

I am a guy. My best friend is female. We have been friends since high school started and we are now both in college. I have never been attracted to her and at this point doing anything with her would be like making out with my sister. If you were wondering, I am a straight male, and she is a good looking female. (Yes I can say someone looks good without wanting to bone them)

[Hawkfeathers]

Re: Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it

That's a tough situation, and very, very case-by-case. My own best friend is a guy I've known half my life, and he's no threat to any bf I've had. But not all these things are the same. You have to observe very carefully. My most recent bf had some female friends with absolutely no problem. It was nice. But kinda rare....

[DanieMarie]

Re: Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it

I still don't understand this partner having to be your best friend thing. I can understand how it gets there over years, and for a select few people how they just somehow get that way quickly, but for MOST of us, that doesn't happen over night. I could eventually see Kris as my best friend, but we've only been dating for a while. Even if we were together for a year, I GREW UP with my best friend. I've been friends with her since I was 5. It will take years to build up that kind of trust, history, and closeness with someone else. I don't expect the same from him either. He's also known his best friends since childhood.

[Jembru]

Re: Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it

I understand where you're coming from Danie, but it really is just a preference thing. Just like we all had differing preferences in the 'wine or beer' thread, so we do here. None of my closest friends date back to my childhood. The oldest, is Nat, who's also an ex. I didn't meet her until I was at college. The friend I spend the most time with, besides JP, is Miyo... I've known her something like 5 months!!

I fell for JP because he spoke to me in Japanese in a bar. I had no one in the world to share my interest in Japanese with, and hadn't uttered a word in almost a year. My passion for the language flooded back that night. Then, while chatting, he mentioned other hobbies and interests, weirdly similar to my own. I felt as though I'd known him forever. As the relationship developed, we shared everything. We played a trading card game that we both liked before we met, we studied Japanese together, we watched the same TV shows, went swimming together, shared every moment we could.. and have evolved into some kind of terrifying two headed monster. If having a shared foreign language wasn't enough, we've developed a childish 'couple-speak', in English and in Japanese, that only we fully understand. There is no way any person alive, could be as close to me as JP. This is how I like it. It's exactly what I always wanted.

[Zephyranth]

Re: Boyfriend's best friend is a women and I don't know how to handle it

I still don't understand this partner having to be your best friend thing. I can understand how it gets there over years, and for a select few people how they just somehow get that way quickly, but for MOST of us, that doesn't happen over night. I could eventually see Kris as my best friend, but we've only been dating for a while. Even if we were together for a year, I GREW UP with my best friend. I've been friends with her since I was 5. It will take years to build up that kind of trust, history, and closeness with someone else. I don't expect the same from him either. He's also known his best friends since childhood.

I think that some people also get close to others more quickly, and bond over things easier. My boyfriend and I are absolutely best friends. And while I've known my best friend for seven years and him only two, I see them on the same level, just different positions in my life. I really love them both I think it's a personal thing.