Hey all,
I have a few things that I'd like some feedback on. I'll try my best to explain the situation thus far.
It seems as if I've always had an interest in Paganism. I used to spend my gym period in elementary school reading about it (and a myriad of other things) in the library. It really took off when I was in middle school, but became an undeniable interest in high school. I bought a few books to read with the intention of practicing, but trying to break into something so vast with just a few books is difficult. I tabled the idea and have had brief contact with the subject from time to time.
In college I befriended someone who was a high priestess and asked about a million questions. Eventually she took me on as a student and I studied for about half a year. When it came time to dedicate, I got cold feet and backed out. Naturally this burned a bridge between us (nice way to say pissed her off something fierce) and I haven't spoken to her in about five months or so. Again I tabled the idea, but every Fall (or close to it) I start to feel the pull again and it's starting to become hard to put aside.
I lost my job last October, but I was living off of student loans. Now, since they've run out, it's starting to get desperate. I've put out about sixty resume's, but not luck. So I decided to try my hand at an impromptu ritual, using all the things I learned. The very next day I received a phone call for an interview. Half of me is calling it coincidence, but the other half is saying that I actually caused it. So once again I plunge into research (this time focused on Germanic Paganism) and once again I feel the pull (since it's getting close to Fall). Yet, I'm still reluctant.
The reason for this is that I was coerced into Christianity-as a child-by way of fear, and now I'm afraid of dedicating so fully into one religion. I have to also mention that I am terrified of death and this factors heavily into my search for religion (and was a heavy motivating factor in my previous coercion).
So, to get to the point (which I know has become laborious), why am I so reluctant? Why can't I just commit if the pull is so strong?
I have a few things that I'd like some feedback on. I'll try my best to explain the situation thus far.
It seems as if I've always had an interest in Paganism. I used to spend my gym period in elementary school reading about it (and a myriad of other things) in the library. It really took off when I was in middle school, but became an undeniable interest in high school. I bought a few books to read with the intention of practicing, but trying to break into something so vast with just a few books is difficult. I tabled the idea and have had brief contact with the subject from time to time.
In college I befriended someone who was a high priestess and asked about a million questions. Eventually she took me on as a student and I studied for about half a year. When it came time to dedicate, I got cold feet and backed out. Naturally this burned a bridge between us (nice way to say pissed her off something fierce) and I haven't spoken to her in about five months or so. Again I tabled the idea, but every Fall (or close to it) I start to feel the pull again and it's starting to become hard to put aside.
I lost my job last October, but I was living off of student loans. Now, since they've run out, it's starting to get desperate. I've put out about sixty resume's, but not luck. So I decided to try my hand at an impromptu ritual, using all the things I learned. The very next day I received a phone call for an interview. Half of me is calling it coincidence, but the other half is saying that I actually caused it. So once again I plunge into research (this time focused on Germanic Paganism) and once again I feel the pull (since it's getting close to Fall). Yet, I'm still reluctant.
The reason for this is that I was coerced into Christianity-as a child-by way of fear, and now I'm afraid of dedicating so fully into one religion. I have to also mention that I am terrified of death and this factors heavily into my search for religion (and was a heavy motivating factor in my previous coercion).
So, to get to the point (which I know has become laborious), why am I so reluctant? Why can't I just commit if the pull is so strong?
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