I'm having a lot of difficulty with this and I really need some advice.
The problem is, my boyfriend and I like totally different things. We also have really different ideas related to food. First off, I love to cook, and sometimes, I love to cook complicated things. He sees this as a huge waste of time, and doesn't understand why I don't just make "simple food". Sometimes, I just like to have fancy dishes with lots of ingredients. I don't do this more than once a week (usually every 2), but when I do, I enjoy it. It takes a long time, but I fully enjoy every minute of cooking it. I tried to explain that this is a hobby, and that I don't need to sew my own clothes or garden either (hobbies he finds totally acceptable) and that many people see those things as a "waste of time" but he won't accept it. He insists that I could be doing "better" things with my time. This bothers me, because I'm not cooking like this because I don't know how to make simpler things or don't know how to manage my time. I do it because I feel like it and it makes me happy, much like my other hobbies make me happy.
The second problem is expectations. We both have very different upbringings. He's northern German, and I'm Canadian/Southern German. Both sides of my background eat very, very different food from that found here (yes, Southern German food is quite different from Northern German food). There are some little things like salt use...I don't use a lot of salt in my cooking and prefer to flavor with spices and herbs. I think eating too much salt is truly unhealthy, and if I use things like canned tomatoes, there's a ton of salt in that anyway. I keep insisting that he should put salt on his food as he likes it at the table, but he likes it better "cooked in". On the other hand, I can BARELY eat the food he makes. Sometimes, it's so salty that I wake up in the middle of the night dehydrated, nauseous, and sweating, even if I try to drink a lot of water. He insists that my food is far less salty than restaurants, and it is a bit, but what he makes is far more. He's a smoker, and I wonder if he just can't taste it, and needs saltier food to make up for the loss of taste due to his smoking? Also, I know that one is easily accustomed to salt and using a lot can be a bit addictive. I'm not accustomed to so much of it though, and I just can't seem to do it, and I don't want to. There is also a lot of argument over what is "normal". For me, making potato pancakes and sausage isn't "easy" and that's not a simple meal for me to make. On the other hand, making a basic curry is a quick, easy meal that is "normal" for me. I'm trying to learn to cook more things he's used to, and he cooks sometimes as well (he tends to clean more and I tend to cook more). I keep trying to tell him that on the other hand, if we're going to live together, he has to get used to more "different" food.
Lastly, I can be a bit of a fussy eater. A lot of this is due to my tons of food allergies. He had difficulty with my food allergies before, but he's starting to accept them. I think he's just not used to it and when I met him, he thought food allergies were a myth. He's seen me have a few mild reactions (and eventually, he'll probably see a serious one) and knows better now. I also have some sensitivities. I somehow bloat really easily, and I get a bit nauseous if I eat too much of certain foods. These are: salt, refined sugar, refined starch (especially wheat....I can eat more spelt and rye than wheat...I think it's the gluten overload). These are all things he eats a LOT of....far more than I find healthy or can handle. He doesn't understand why I don't want to cook like this. I eat more vegetables and meat and keep my portions of starches small. I use little sugar and little salt. Sometimes, I'll make a dessert and have sugar in that. I know I'm a bit picky sometimes, because I don't like overly salty foods, and I'm not the biggest fan of pork and potatoes. He claims he's "not picky at all", but somehow, every time I make something, he complains. It's not salty enough, it's not "normal", it's too mixed up (pumpkin soup, something every other German person I know loves, so it's not a question of "normal" here), it's too complicated, it's too spicy, it's got too many herbs, it's got something in it he doesn't like (brussel sprouts, asparagus, pumpkin, squash, sweet potato). We got in a HUGE fight over this on Tuesday, and I ended up crying and needing some time to myself. I'm just getting so tired of the constant criticism. I grew up with my dad criticizing EVERYTHING my mom made and it was really stressful for me and my brother, because it visibly upset my mom. Now, the same thing is happening to me and I just don't know how to deal with it. My mom said that if it continues, I should just flat out say that we should each cook our own food and not share, but I do like eating meals together. I just don't see how I'm going to end up being a perfect "normal" Northern German woman and only cook cabbage, pork, and potatoes every single day. Even his mom doesn't do that (he told me he complained at home too).
This isn't a problem all the time, and I wonder if it's stress-related. It'll happen for a few weeks and then he'll be more accepting for a while. When he does do it, it's BAD, and he'll even reference things I've made in the past that I hated. I find it really hurtful, and I've tried my best to communicate how hurtful it is. I've gotten a LOT of compliments on my cooking, and I don't think it's just friends being nice. I've been asked for recipes, had friends go back for thirds, etc. Now, suddenly, I feel like I can't do anything right, and I'm constantly being criticized. I don't know how to deal with it or communicate further how hurtful it is. I told him that he should feel free to express his feelings, but sometimes he has to gage better what's important and what isn't. Sometimes, he has to let the unimportant things like food go.
Also, are a lot of men like this? I have very little experience with boyfriends, but judging from my dad, my brother, and a few past guys I've dated, they can be very picky and are also not at all aware of it. If this is the case, how do you girls deal with it?
The problem is, my boyfriend and I like totally different things. We also have really different ideas related to food. First off, I love to cook, and sometimes, I love to cook complicated things. He sees this as a huge waste of time, and doesn't understand why I don't just make "simple food". Sometimes, I just like to have fancy dishes with lots of ingredients. I don't do this more than once a week (usually every 2), but when I do, I enjoy it. It takes a long time, but I fully enjoy every minute of cooking it. I tried to explain that this is a hobby, and that I don't need to sew my own clothes or garden either (hobbies he finds totally acceptable) and that many people see those things as a "waste of time" but he won't accept it. He insists that I could be doing "better" things with my time. This bothers me, because I'm not cooking like this because I don't know how to make simpler things or don't know how to manage my time. I do it because I feel like it and it makes me happy, much like my other hobbies make me happy.
The second problem is expectations. We both have very different upbringings. He's northern German, and I'm Canadian/Southern German. Both sides of my background eat very, very different food from that found here (yes, Southern German food is quite different from Northern German food). There are some little things like salt use...I don't use a lot of salt in my cooking and prefer to flavor with spices and herbs. I think eating too much salt is truly unhealthy, and if I use things like canned tomatoes, there's a ton of salt in that anyway. I keep insisting that he should put salt on his food as he likes it at the table, but he likes it better "cooked in". On the other hand, I can BARELY eat the food he makes. Sometimes, it's so salty that I wake up in the middle of the night dehydrated, nauseous, and sweating, even if I try to drink a lot of water. He insists that my food is far less salty than restaurants, and it is a bit, but what he makes is far more. He's a smoker, and I wonder if he just can't taste it, and needs saltier food to make up for the loss of taste due to his smoking? Also, I know that one is easily accustomed to salt and using a lot can be a bit addictive. I'm not accustomed to so much of it though, and I just can't seem to do it, and I don't want to. There is also a lot of argument over what is "normal". For me, making potato pancakes and sausage isn't "easy" and that's not a simple meal for me to make. On the other hand, making a basic curry is a quick, easy meal that is "normal" for me. I'm trying to learn to cook more things he's used to, and he cooks sometimes as well (he tends to clean more and I tend to cook more). I keep trying to tell him that on the other hand, if we're going to live together, he has to get used to more "different" food.
Lastly, I can be a bit of a fussy eater. A lot of this is due to my tons of food allergies. He had difficulty with my food allergies before, but he's starting to accept them. I think he's just not used to it and when I met him, he thought food allergies were a myth. He's seen me have a few mild reactions (and eventually, he'll probably see a serious one) and knows better now. I also have some sensitivities. I somehow bloat really easily, and I get a bit nauseous if I eat too much of certain foods. These are: salt, refined sugar, refined starch (especially wheat....I can eat more spelt and rye than wheat...I think it's the gluten overload). These are all things he eats a LOT of....far more than I find healthy or can handle. He doesn't understand why I don't want to cook like this. I eat more vegetables and meat and keep my portions of starches small. I use little sugar and little salt. Sometimes, I'll make a dessert and have sugar in that. I know I'm a bit picky sometimes, because I don't like overly salty foods, and I'm not the biggest fan of pork and potatoes. He claims he's "not picky at all", but somehow, every time I make something, he complains. It's not salty enough, it's not "normal", it's too mixed up (pumpkin soup, something every other German person I know loves, so it's not a question of "normal" here), it's too complicated, it's too spicy, it's got too many herbs, it's got something in it he doesn't like (brussel sprouts, asparagus, pumpkin, squash, sweet potato). We got in a HUGE fight over this on Tuesday, and I ended up crying and needing some time to myself. I'm just getting so tired of the constant criticism. I grew up with my dad criticizing EVERYTHING my mom made and it was really stressful for me and my brother, because it visibly upset my mom. Now, the same thing is happening to me and I just don't know how to deal with it. My mom said that if it continues, I should just flat out say that we should each cook our own food and not share, but I do like eating meals together. I just don't see how I'm going to end up being a perfect "normal" Northern German woman and only cook cabbage, pork, and potatoes every single day. Even his mom doesn't do that (he told me he complained at home too).
This isn't a problem all the time, and I wonder if it's stress-related. It'll happen for a few weeks and then he'll be more accepting for a while. When he does do it, it's BAD, and he'll even reference things I've made in the past that I hated. I find it really hurtful, and I've tried my best to communicate how hurtful it is. I've gotten a LOT of compliments on my cooking, and I don't think it's just friends being nice. I've been asked for recipes, had friends go back for thirds, etc. Now, suddenly, I feel like I can't do anything right, and I'm constantly being criticized. I don't know how to deal with it or communicate further how hurtful it is. I told him that he should feel free to express his feelings, but sometimes he has to gage better what's important and what isn't. Sometimes, he has to let the unimportant things like food go.
Also, are a lot of men like this? I have very little experience with boyfriends, but judging from my dad, my brother, and a few past guys I've dated, they can be very picky and are also not at all aware of it. If this is the case, how do you girls deal with it?
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