Is monogamy natural?

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

I think the biggest problem is when one person wants an exclusive relationship and the other person doesn't. So in any relationship it's important to be completely honest with your partner(s) and especially with yourself, exactly what you want.

Very true.

[B. de Corbin]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

So what is it you want from this guy?

Honestly, this isn't entirely about you, and what you want. This guy doesn't seem to want what you want. Do you get enough out of the relationship to put effort into it, or do you want to use him when it suites you, and avoid him when you don't? That would hardly be fare, or reasonable.

It looks to me like you have some hard thinking ahead of you.

I have absolutely no advice to give you, other than to decide what is really important to you, and what is fair to him. This is the kind of problem I avoid through living carefully.

Madam, you will have to decide what you really want, and what is important to you in this relationship. Then, make your choices, and learn to live with them.

If you are looking for easy answers, you won't find them. Somebody will end up getting hurt. It's up to you (because you are in control) to decide who that will be.

[Dumuzi]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

For some it's natural, for others it's not. But when you are in a relationship it becomes more complicated than being an issue of natural or not. Because your decisions affect other people also.

[Aeran]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

I am not very attracted to him any more sad to say. I find some of his features repellant now, and I think my needs have changed since we met. He isn't fulfilling my needs in other ways too. He's antisocial and I feel isolated and frustrated by that. I don't think his shyness is cute any more. Now it's embarassing. Now I want a bold, confident, capeable, friendly man, and one who can earn a living. One who can take the lead! Dance with me, metaphorically dip me! I'm tired of wearing the proverbial pants.

Have you tried telling him that? Features and behavior can be changed. If your real problem is that he's not assertive enough, or he's put on a few kilos or whatever, then he can do something about that, but only once he knows it's a problem, you can't expect him to read your mind.

[callmeclemens]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

I'm curious as to why you bring this question to a Pagan forum?

[Dumuzi]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

I'm curious as to why you bring this question to a Pagan forum?

We have sections for Pagan related topics and other sections for general topics. ;-)

[thalassa]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

I'm curious as to why you bring this question to a Pagan forum?

Why not? Its a bit of an unusual first question, but polyamory is fairly well accepted in the Pagan community compared to other groups.

[callmeclemens]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

Why not? Its a bit of an unusual first question, but polyamory is fairly well accepted in the Pagan community compared to other groups.

I wasn't offended by the question, and you sort of answered the question for me, I was just curious what attracts this question to a pagan community.

[thalassa]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

I wasn't offended by the question, and you sort of answered the question for me, I was just curious what attracts this question to a pagan community.

Ah! I guess that isn't something that a lot of people know off the top. But yeah, its not super common, but its not unusual and it doesn't raise many eyebrows. There are probably some people and groups that are against it, but for the most part, its not a big deal. Homosexuality has pretty much the same treatment.

[FantasyWitch]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

Monogamy suits me. I can be very very jealous given the right circumstances, and thankfully my partner of 6 years knows and is more than fine with not being shared around. He sees potential in an open marriage on my side IF I ever want it, but as it stands right now I am far from interested and still ridiculously infatuated by him.

As V said earlier on in the thread, if you want anything to change you have to tell him the truth and accept the fact that this may well hurt him. BUT in the long run it will be kinder for both of you to sit down and be completely honest.
You said you feel that you could break his "delicate mental state", could this be part of the problem? That you feel responsible for his emotional well-being and feel confined by it rather than it being a sexual problem? Just a though, but if you both went to counselling and he saw someone about his self-esteem issues how much of a difference would that make for you as a couple?
You clearly have problems, but a 16 year marriage is worth fighting for before you choose to just drop it and go for something new. Or at least I think it is

[Louisvillian]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

Monogamy isn't necessarily natural, but who cares? If you want to be monogamous, be monogamous. If you want to be polygamist, be polygamist. Nature isn't always right. We can choose what we do.

[Dahlia]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

Aeran, I have tried to ease into telling him these things. Mostly he already knows, he's pretty astute. He tries to change, and he has changed some over the years. I told him I'd like him to be more assertive and manly. I have shown him things I find sexy, some of which was a surprise to him. Some of it aligns with his tastes, though he says he doesn't really think about that much, whereas it occupies alot of my mind, because I am unfulfilled. Mainly I noticed a big incongruency in what we like.

Clemens, I used to call myself Pagan, and have been on a christian forum for a long time. I hoped to find a group of more likeminded individuals to get perspective and suport from. The "truth" has mattered to me for a long time, and I wondered if pagans would be more open to our instinctive nature.

[Dahlia]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

Thanks FantasyWitch. Yes we are presently trying to save it, make it better. I have told him a lot of truth so far, which has helped, but still really scared to say the rest. I think I need time to figure out exactly what I feel and how to then say that. But you're right about the feeling responsible and confined, but sex has always been a problem, it's just been building up over the years as I come to more acceptance that sexual fullfillment is important in my life.

A friend just told me we are co-dependant. This is not good. I did try counselling, but it was the wrong counsellor and turned out not benneficial in the way I expected. How it did help was that I realised I knew more than the counsellor did about what was good for me, which was empowering. My husband didn't wish to see the counsellor on his own more than a couple times. I also didn't want to progress with couples therapy. I wasn't ready for that, and turns out he would have been the wrong person to apply it.

Louisvillian, Thanks fotr that. Good to hear that from a witch, that nature isn't always right. I have always looked for guidance from natural law and instinct.

[B. de Corbin]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

I don't know whether you love your hubby or not, but this is obvious - you do not like him, you do not respect him, and you hold him in contempt. The things you've said about him make that much clear. This doesn't seem like much of a basis for a sound marriage to me.

If you were a man, and came here posting about how your wife wasn't "woman enough" for you, I suspect that somebody would have said this earlier.

[darksyderainmaker]

Re: Is monogamy natural?

I think there's more than one thing going on here, and that it's already been addressed by various people in various ways on this forum already. Clearly there are problems within your relationship. I don't know much about polyamory from experience, because I've never been in a polyamorous relationship, but in the beginning of my current monogamous relationship I read extensively about the topic and went to all kinds of meetings and talked to all kinds of people and they all seemed to point to the same thing: polyamory is not the answer to a dull relationship, or a 'fix' when there are problems. Any problems within your primary relationship should be addressed first.

I think it's important that you sit your husband down and tell him everything that you've mentioned here, because as someone else mentioned in a previous post on this thread, it isn't all about you. There are two people in the marriage, plus I believe you mentioned you have a child or two? If the issue is this serious for you then you need to be honest about it before things escalate and people get hurt any more than they have to.

Once you address these issues then you can address the issue of polyamory. Sure, you may be polyamorous. But now is probably not the right time to experiment with that. And if you both decide to stay in your marriage, and if your husband is not into it and you still are, then that's a whole other topic.

Either way, good luck with everything.