How can I help my son?

[Carlin]

My son and I live in a rough area. The kids round here respond to absolutely everything with violence. Almost every time my son goes out to play, something awful happens - last night he got beaten up and our windows were egged by a boy who was angry that my son had refused to go shoplifting with him!

I didn't grow up in a place like this and have no idea how to handle it. My son is autistic and finds it all equally confusing. Calling the police doesn't help - these kids are under the age of criminal responsibility. I tried it last year when another boy beat up my son with a plank of wood. It did no good, and now I have a reputation for calling the police, which in itself has caused my son more trouble. Talking to their parents does no good either, they don't see a problem, having grown up in the same way.

I'm beginning to dread waking up each morning, wondering what's going to happen today. I don't want to stop my son going out to play, he's almost a teenager and I can't shield him forever. I can't afford to move house and part of me wouldn't want to even if I could because in many ways my son is settled and does have some good friends.

Thank you for reading, if you made it this far. Mostly I think I just needed to share with someone. But if any one has any good ideas about what to do (magical or otherwise) I'd love to hear them.

[Willow]

Re: How can I help my son?

If your son has some good friends in the area, maybe they (or their parents) can give you their perspective on the situation?

I've never been in such an environment where there was retaliation for refusing to commit crimes, but the ostracism and inner-circles (with us or against us) mentality is generally found the world over. I would bring it up with other local parents or friends that you feel comfortable talking openly about it.

[Gleb]

Re: How can I help my son?

Well, you can't change the behaviour of those people and their children, but as Ljubezen said- your son's friends and their parents can help and influence on that community.
The police can't arrest someone because of beating a person, but there is a punishment for using various tools such as that wooden plank.

[Willow]

Re: How can I help my son?

The police can't arrest someone because of beating a person, but there is a punishment for using various tools such as that wooden plank.

The laws of any given area are pretty specific to that location, and the line between having an event being brushed off as "boys will be boys" and having them arrested and brought to a juvenile detention center is hazy as best. A lot really depends on the laws in your area, the cultural history of that area, and the peace officers employed there who have the say-so. I'm not saying 'give up on the law enforcement approach' but I am saying that if you want to pursue that route, your best way to investigating that is to talk with a member of the local PD.

[Gleb]

Re: How can I help my son?

The laws depend on the region- yes, but there has to be a way to stop this mess. Perhaps, a court request will influence somehow.

[Black Moon Wolf]

Re: How can I help my son?

Perhaps if you found your son some extra curricular activities to be involved in maybe the threat of these kids in the area will be minimized. If he has less time to spend where these kids can get to him then maybe they will leave him alone. Does he like sports? Or is there a Partners program in your area? These kids might just want to influence him and if hes not around enough to influence maybe they will leave him alone. I understand the fear of involving police or courts, it can just make the situation worse sometimes. These kids breaking the law obviously don't care about rules so getting restraining orders etc. will just fire them up more. I would still use the police if your son is in danger of course. Depending on the city there are usually several programs/activities/groups that he could become part of with kids that maybe he could become friends with. AND if he has new friends these kids that are negative may leave him alone too if they see hes already involved with something.

[anunitu]

Re: How can I help my son?

I grew up in a very poor area,but these days it seems a lot less easy to keep your kids safe. I was lucky in that I had a big brother so few people messed with me as a kid.

[Vigdisdotter]

Re: How can I help my son?

Hit the parents in the pocket book. For example if you know and can show WHO egged your house, hand them a price quote from a professional cleaning company. It's annoying but people tend to pay more attention when their money is on the line.

If you can't do that yet, then document. Document, document, document. And then hit 'em where it hurts.

[Carlin]

Re: How can I help my son?

Thank you very much for all the replies and the ideas.

I don't know any of the other parents to speak to them, unfortunately - my son went to different schools due to his being autistic and so I don't really know anyone round here.

Extra curricular activities are a great idea - he was in a drama group which kept him away from it all for one afternoon a week, but he just quit, didn't really like it. I'll see if I can find something else he might like. He's on half term holidays this week...I'm trying to take him out every day and keep him busy.

Love the idea about charging the parents for the mess their son made! I've cleaned the egg up myself but will remember that if it happens again. I took photos of it before I cleaned it though, and will continue to document everything.

[nbdy]

Re: How can I help my son?

For what it is worth, I have discovered today, from another parent whose child is concerned about an escalating situation, that my autistic high schooler is being bullied on the bus. The bus driver is older than dirt and has just ignored it, so I'm guessing that he sees it as kids just being kids. What to do until the little assholes reach the age of legal culpability is tricky. As soon as I was aware of the situation today I contacted the school and his case manager, and maybe my son will provide some sort of information when I specifically ask about it this evening. Maybe not -- he's "with it" enough to not want to be a rat. So, just saying I get it. There is an added layer of complexity when your kid tends to navigate the social world by rote, because these other kids are not following the rules. I don't so much have suggestions as want to say, for what it's worth, that I get it. Hang in there.

[Black Moon Wolf]

Re: How can I help my son?

Hit the parents in the pocket book. For example if you know and can show WHO egged your house, hand them a price quote from a professional cleaning company. It's annoying but people tend to pay more attention when their money is on the line.

If you can't do that yet, then document. Document, document, document. And then hit 'em where it hurts.

The only problem with this i think is that anymore a lot of parents don't care so much about their child's actions. If this is the case the parent more then likely will not pay for the damages and then you would have to prove their child did it.... and without getting the law involved this probably will not be of any help to you. Often times parents get very angry if another parent accuses their child of misbehaving and having conflict with other adults in the neighborhood may be bad. i think just finding other ways to keep your child busy is the best bet if you don't wish to involve authorities.

[Shahaku]

Re: How can I help my son?

I know there may be some variations on these according to area but:

Restraining orders. These kids might not be old enough to be held accountable for what the cops may see as a normal, coming-of-age type fight, but if you get a restraining order and they violate it, there are likely to be consequences. I know where I grew up, my parent were able to get a restraining order against a couple of other kids (11/12 yr olds) who were harassing me on my way home from school. Once they had violated it, they were required to have a police escort to and from school. They could no longer ride the bus. And I also know of a kid that had a restraining order against another student around 9/10 yrs old that required the teachers sit them at opposite sides of the classroom and maintain a minimum 10 or 20ft distance between them at all times.

Also, if you own your own home, or live in a house with a lawn, put up no trespassing signs, even if you live in town. Anyone coming on your property without permission is breaking the law. Even preteens are accountable to the law to some degree.

Socially... how do people in that area feel about disciplining each others kids? I know this really varies from area to area, but maybe that's something to talk to them about and consider. Make it clear to them (kids and parents) that just because your child looks a certain age, does not mean he's ready to handle those situations. Speak openly about his autism, what it is and what it means. Keep a close eye out and break up the fights early. And tell the parents you don't want to call the cops, but you need them to keep their children under control so that you won't have to resort to those measures, that if they don't want the police in the neighborhood more the necessary, they need to be sure the harassment ends.

[Carlin]

Re: How can I help my son?

I don't so much have suggestions as want to say, for what it's worth, that I get it. Hang in there.

I hope the school can help you - ours can't, as this is all outside school hours/property. Best of luck, and thanks.

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The only problem with this i think is that anymore a lot of parents don't care so much about their child's actions. If this is the case the parent more then likely will not pay for the damages and then you would have to prove their child did it.... and without getting the law involved this probably will not be of any help to you.

Yeah, that's a problem. The parents round here (not all by any means, but most) just don't care. They grew up the same way and see nothing wrong with it.

- - - Updated - - -

Socially... how do people in that area feel about disciplining each others kids? I know this really varies from area to area, but maybe that's something to talk to them about and consider.

I don't know any of them and from what I've seen I don't think they're folk that I can reason with.

Unfortunately I rent my home and it's a flat in a tenement with no security system - anyone can walk in. It's an ongoing battle with the council to get this changed. I do have a thick metal fireproof door on my flat itself though, which makes me feel better.

Thank you very much for the suggestions.