How to be Happy (as told by Rok)

[Roknrol]

Re: How to be Happy (as told by Rok)

Chain - you know me, you always seem to ask just the right questions

I've read a memoir that covered three months essentially. W flashbacks. Don't think a two year journey is too short. Also I never thought I'd see a that's what she said joke... and yet I did. A couple times. Hehe.

The website. I more mentioned it because it seemed to fit the idea. You tried to b successful first and that didn't work so you searched for happiness and found that and that led to success now. Same principle.

Ah, yes, that does seem like it might be significant, doesn't it?

Honestly I'm not sure what prompted it, but I'm inclined toward "dumb luck".

See, all of my jobs prior to moving to Portland were just that - miserable shitholes paying me just enough to not quit. When I moved to Portland I took a new tack with the job: I'm not taking on extra shit, and I'm not going to worry too much about other people's problems.

Of course, I failed - working Helpdesk is nearly impossible to do the job well and not be invested in other people's drama, but it was a start.

As far as finding the job that I have now? Well...this was the first time I actively looked for a job while I was already gainfully employed, so that may have played into it - I could afford to be a little more reckless when I was talking to recruiters (the ones that annoy me? They can just screw off - and I tell them). I turned down other jobs too - ones that probably would have paid more and kept me closer to home...but the stress of inner-office politics was really enough for me to turn them down. Many of these places will hire, say, 50 temporary employees. From day one, those temporary employees are competing with each other and full time employees. At the end of 3 months? (or 6, or 9, or whenever they feel like it) they'll take five names out of a hat - whoever has "impressed" the most, or whoever is more visible, or whoever is blowing the boss - whatever. So I turned those jobs down - no bueno, can't stand the environment.

It really was a case of "beggars can't be choosers"...but for the first time I wasn't a beggar.

So did it have anything to do with my situation? It's hard to say. I'm a damned good tech, so I can't say it's *all* luck...but I was a good tech before I was happy too.

My Atheist-ness tells me not to read too much into it I've found that oftentimes things are exactly as simple and "random" as they appear to be

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Whoa. I'm glad I said something. Thank you, Rok!

Is it a surprise that I did not find that tl;dr? I read every word. And found myself understanding a little something about about a lot. I also realized why I don't write for a living. As much as I like to talk, and write, my average post length, in word count, not chars, is well under 500 words. It's not writer's block or anything, it's finishing what I have to say with a sort of brevity and conciseness that one could only call haphazard.

Again. Thank you for posting!! Food for thought, that won't break the bank.

Oh, and I'll have a word with one of the fascists, and see about that punctuation limit. The char limit was already forcibly remedied, under heavy duress. I don't think I'll be able to withstand as much arm-twisting and waterboarding, so I don't think I'll have any trouble getting me to see things my way.

Writing doesn't have to be extensive, and I've seen you ramble a bit on some of your own pet topics like everything else, it's habit and practice...but also like I said, if it were important to you you'd probably already be doing it

No, I think the ultimate trick is to be "satisfied". I mean, if you look - historically - at the human race, we are alive during a time where our existence truly is amazing. Hell, we've got a friggen spacecraft that is leaving our Galaxy...and a hundred years ago we didn't even know what a Galaxy was.

So if the times are so great...well...why in the fuck are we so miserable? Why is it that the leading killer in our country is stress? (not to mention all of the other illnesses that are made worse (or more likely) by stress). And the reason is that too many people are dissatisfied...they aren't ready to say "good enough". While that's admirable for the thinkers, the movers, and the shakers...for the rest of us it's just exhausting and we don't get much of a payoff at all. Sure, we have our toys - but as I said in the beginning, if you don't have the time to play with them what good are they?

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I lol'd. =P

Can't really dig into the topic tonight, hard 24 hours. Going to eat my homemade granola bars and play elder scrolls. I'll revisit later and contribute in a more productive way. ^^

No sweat - I don't anticipate being gone for more than a few days at a time, and I'll be trying to keep tabs here because like I said - I enjoy talking about myself

[ChainLightning]

Re: How to be Happy (as told by Rok)

Oh my god, the toys. Indeed, what the fuck good are they if you can't actually play with them. There's a slight addition to that, though... wtf good are they if they're only the current model, or whatever, and belong to the designed obsolescence deal? Immediate gratification type toys, I'm talking about - the latest and greatest.

I can't comprehend that shit. I mean, for practical applications of hobbies, or whatnot, where a better widget comes out, to make that activity more enjoyable and less of a PITA, sure. But then we're not talking toys, so much as tools, really. It's just the keeping up with the Jones' with flashier cars, more expensive boats, RVs with more amenities (a hot tub? Really??), or cell phones that do everything but scratch your balls for you. That shit confuses me, in the sense that it's pointless competition.

Maybe that's a factor, too. That competitive shit being thinned out.

I know, in the past, I handled stress amazingly well. The year my dad died, 1999, I had taken one of these stress tests (not to be confused with a cardiac test of the same name) and I scored so low on the fuckin' thin, my result was the equivalent of being dead. I just didn't ever stress over shit. Now I do. Shit scares me, where nothing scared me back then. Of course, in those days, my life wasn't ruled by or revolving around pain avoidance, like it does now.

I'm talking to much. Rather, rambling and babbling. Meh.

[anunitu]

Re: How to be Happy (as told by Rok)

I like the stories,and I understand the whys and what fours. All my life it seems I have been an outrider,never quite fitting in anywhere,and a lot of bumps and grinds. Lots of times the rough patches were of my own making,but no regrets cause the golden rule is "Keep on trucking", there is always another mountain to climb,and the view from the peak is worth the struggle.,then it is off on another quest,hoping for the best but prepared for the worst...And before I knew it I became this old man. The really good part is I never wish I had done things or regret something that I may have missed,kinda cause I did do them.

Here is to life,the hardest game you ever have to play.

[Willow]

Re: How to be Happy (as told by Rok)

No sweat - I don't anticipate being gone for more than a few days at a time, and I'll be trying to keep tabs here because like I said - I enjoy talking about myself

Stories are nice anyway. ^^

[Roknrol]

Re: How to be Happy (as told by Rok)

Oh my god, the toys. Indeed, what the fuck good are they if you can't actually play with them. There's a slight addition to that, though... wtf good are they if they're only the current model, or whatever, and belong to the designed obsolescence deal? Immediate gratification type toys, I'm talking about - the latest and greatest.

Maybe it's just me (probably) but I don't really get hung up on the "latest and greatest" new toys. I usually replace my phone every 2-3 years, but I just recently paid cash (so no contract) on a Droid that I will probably make last for at least 5. My computer? Has been gradually upgraded for the last 10 years...I don't think I've spent more than $150 a year on it to keep it "current"...running latest Debian distro beautifully, with full desktop special effects and the works. So no, I don't think "keeping current' is really a big deal. After all, every car that I love is at least 50 years old. Sometimes old is "good enough"...I can die happy playing on my old 8 bit Nintendo

I can't comprehend that shit. I mean, for practical applications of hobbies, or whatnot, where a better widget comes out, to make that activity more enjoyable and less of a PITA, sure. But then we're not talking toys, so much as tools, really. It's just the keeping up with the Jones' with flashier cars, more expensive boats, RVs with more amenities (a hot tub? Really??), or cell phones that do everything but scratch your balls for you. That shit confuses me, in the sense that it's pointless competition.

Honestly I agree with you. As tools, they are pretty cool, but it's the toy functions that sells them (and drives the market). There are only a few things that I do on my computer, and the majority of them are wholly unnecessary. I'm happy being able to do a bit of surfing and watching a DVD...I don't need all of the extra shit right now, so I'm cool with that. But then again, I've been watching the "scramble to upgrade" for about 20 years. Technology marches on...about the best you can do is tuck a little money away for the inevitable "forced upgrade" that you know you'll have to go through in a few years.

GG and I bought a hot tub a few years ago. We really really wanted the one with the 42-inch LED + DVD player.

Maybe that's a factor, too. That competitive shit being thinned out.

And eventually (hopefully) there will be a balance at some point when the pendulum finally starts swinging the other way. Right now the rampant consumerism (and fast, quick upgrades to computers) is burning out the entire industry. I don't think they can maintain at this pace, and as they slow down (either hardware or software), you'll either start seeing some real innovation, or we will hit a wall and things will be "meh" enough for a few years to breath.

We can hope, at least. Like I've said before, the instant I can retire, the instant my obsolete ass can play with all of his obsolete toys for his obsolete retirement. I honestly couldn't think of a better (and at the same time, remotely likely) way to die.

I know, in the past, I handled stress amazingly well. The year my dad died, 1999, I had taken one of these stress tests (not to be confused with a cardiac test of the same name) and I scored so low on the fuckin' thin, my result was the equivalent of being dead. I just didn't ever stress over shit. Now I do. Shit scares me, where nothing scared me back then. Of course, in those days, my life wasn't ruled by or revolving around pain avoidance, like it does now.

I'm talking to much. Rather, rambling and babbling. Meh.

It's all good - I've been around for some of what's going on...you know that I've always been surprised by your strength. But people get tired, and it sounds like you need a break from the stress. For me it was a change of location, and a change of attitude (I think). A new environment (if possible) can help...it kind of gives you a "clean slate" to work from, without the past bogging you down.

I've had some interesting thoughts about the past, recently as well, but I'll have to save that for a time when I'm more awake

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I like the stories,and I understand the whys and what fours. All my life it seems I have been an outrider,never quite fitting in anywhere,and a lot of bumps and grinds.

You would be amazed at how many other people feel the same way Really, we're a majority...we're just too embarrassed to get together and Unionize.

Lots of times the rough patches were of my own making,but no regrets cause the golden rule is "Keep on trucking", there is always another mountain to climb,and the view from the peak is worth the struggle.,then it is off on another quest,hoping for the best but prepared for the worst...And before I knew it I became this old man. The really good part is I never wish I had done things or regret something that I may have missed,kinda cause I did do them.

Here is to life,the hardest game you ever have to play.

And that's the part that eventually got to me - that I could be 80 years old and thinking about my past, and that all I'd be able to say was, "I had always meant to..." and "I thought about doing...". To a point, I blame religion for that, because my entire life I heard "in Heaven everything will be perfect" and "that's why we work today, because in the afterlife it will be a lot better".

Let's be real: I work because I want money, because it pays for things that I like (you know, food and board and all of that). I don't need some mystical reason to keep me going, because starvation does a pretty good fucking job of that on its own. But here we are, and I am striving to do better, to do more, every year. On my deathbed, the only regret that I'll have are "I wish I would have had the chance to bang Drew Barrymore."

[ChainLightning]

Re: How to be Happy (as told by Rok)

On my deathbed, the only regret that I'll have are "I wish I would have had the chance to bang Drew Barrymore."

See? Now, I'd expect that the person to show up, for this banging, wouldn't be Drew Barrymore but Drew Carey. I just can't get past the cynicism. It's always there, like a pall over the universe.

[Roknrol]

Re: How to be Happy (as told by Rok)

Ok, I have a lot that I'd like to talk about but most of it is fairly haphazard so...good luck making it through it

Let's start with a couple of realities - things that I "knew" when I was younger, but that took me 30+ years to actually understand.

Reality #1: Other people do not care about you. Even family members, when the chips are down and they are unable (or unwilling) to help, the only person you can rely on is YOU. If you hate yourself, you'll be less willing to do more to make that person happy. Independence is key, and understanding what that means (I think) is pretty important too.

Reality #2: Life is hard, and it certainly isn't "fair". Some people have nice cushy lives that were handed to them, some people busted their asses to get their cushy lives, but the one thing that I've noticed about nearly all of them is that they're miserable. Everyone is unsatisfied with the hand that they're dealt, because they don't know any different. The one thing that everyone has in common is that they have an entire lifetime to either accept the hand that they're dealt, or to improve it. Hope? Hope is the idea that it can be improved upon. This is something that never would have occurred to me if I hadn't become an Atheist. The question of the nature of existence changed for me on a fundamental level.

Reality #3: Human beings have swallowed some serious shit, historically. I woudl bet money that most of our antecedents had struggles that we only vaguely are aware of. Survive a winter without food and heat recently? Maybe with a dead grandmother in the corner that you can't bury until Spring? Remember: The odds are that we will live relatively uneventful lives, and we will end up dying due to an accident, illness, or old age. It is not likely that we will get mauled by a bear and left to bleed to death, or ravaged by a wasting parasite while we suffer for months not knowing what's going on. And if you're not retarded - ie, you learn from your mistakes and you don't make particularly stupid ones - it's likely you won't have to deal with the hardest elements of our society: prison. And the really awesome thing is that there are vast quantities of evidence supporting the idea that anyone can "be" happy, and that anyone can improve their situation if they're creative, persistent, and realistic. You're not ever going to be Paris Hilton (or whatever worthless media whore is popular today). Get over it. But you could be the next Bill Gates, or the next Andy Worhol, or the next Steven Speilburg (sp?). Or the next anonymous guy or gal that is able to die happy and content (I honestly can't think of a better way to go, other than "quickly").

I've considered the idea of evolution quite a bit, and I always end up back with the 10,000 surviving members of our species. Wikipedia has a pretty good overview - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Population_bottleneck , it's pretty well supported. And I always wonder what it was about those 10,000 people (only about 2,400 breeding pairs, IIRC) that allowed them to pass on their genes? Now, I'm well past that point myself - I can't imagine becoming a new dad at this time in my life, and since I haven't had any genetic offspring thus far I can't think of a scenario when that would become a good idea, but as an intellectual exercise I think it's interesting. Were they the strongest? The smartest? Were there a variety of reasons, or did it come down to something even more fundamental (a shift in the radiation levels could certainly kill of swathes of a species for no other reason than that a portion were slightly resistant)? I like to think that the smarter people will survive better, mainly because I'm a wuss and I'm kinda bright.

Anyhoo, a large part of my outlook has been looking at my life and realizing that I'm ok with not being a rock star. Shit, most rock stars are end up being pretty miserable, and I've never been into the party scene anyway....so...what about that life appeals to me? Honestly, the only part that's appealing is the "being lazy" part, but I can think of a lot of ways to acheive that without herpes and heroin. What's appealing is that "everyone" wants it. Oh, and all of the tail, but honestly, I'm too old for that shit.

So I've spent a lot of time talking to my wife...and it took me over 10 years to figure out what being married really really means. GG and I have had some of the most awkward conversations - stuff that I would never talk about with someone else, and we understand: If you can't ask your spouse or partner or best friend, who can you ask? There comes a certain point where talking to your mother about your erectile dysfunction gets awkward, and that point is pretty much immediately. But my wife and I, we're curious people. And we're kind of science minded. So we know that, yes, sometimes the uncomfortable questions are the ones that nobody has bothered to ask before. And even if other people have those conversations too - I'm thoroughly happy that I have someone in my life that I can talk to about some of the weirder aspects of biology. We were married for almost a decade before we started having those discussions, and the relief - for both of us, has reduced our stress levels immensely. It doesn't have to be about love - I have a few good friends that fit into the same category. People that won't judge you. I think this is why religion is so popular...while they're judging others, they aren't judging you.

That's probably enough for now...at least something to chew on...

[Roknrol]

Re: How to be Happy (as told by Rok)

A talk on Honesty. Yes I capitalized it. That's because it's important.

I mentioned it a few times in the prior posts...hell, most of the long-term members here are probably sick to death of hearing it from me. But for my happiness, it has been instrumental. Lemme 'splain. There will be no summary...you all know me better than that.

So a long long time ago I was a teenager, and I was a petty thief. I was eventually captured, chewed out, grounded for an extended sentence, and promised myself that I would try to be honest from then on out.

There are exceptions. I'll get to those. Don't get ahead of the story.

And, for the most part, the rest of my life was lived fairly honestly...I didn't lie when I didn't "have" to, and I didn't lie to get ahead, or cheat through college, or anything like that. Hell, I've never actually even embellished my resume`, something that I probably could have gotten away with and would have served me well financially. But even then, when I thought I was the most honest person I had ever met, I realized that I still wasn't...quite...there.

See, I also consider myself to be a realist. I'm pretty good at spotting the relevant bits in the word problem and applying them appropriately. And after some time, with all of the emotional bullshit that I dealt with (earlier posts, you should probably start from the beginning ), along with learning about habits.

Habits should almost be capitalized too...it's pretty important (oh, wouldja lookit that...)

I can not stress enough how habitual our behaviors and our emotions are. Medusa was actually pretty instrumental with that as well - she was keeping online diaries (still doing that Medusa?) where she was blogging about her diet and moods, among other things. Now, that process doesn't work for me...anyone that follow(s/ed) my blog knows that inconsistency is a big part of my fundamental being But it illustrated the point, confirmed by my own experiences.

And I realized one day that while I had been brutally honest with the rest of the world, ruthlessly so, at times, quite often to my own detriment, there was one person that I habitually lied to.

Can anyone guess? It's really easy...

It was myself. I spent more hours in more days lying to myself about little stupid bullshit than I did actually addressing whatever it was that I was lying about. Examples are needed here, I'm sure.

I am a "hobby gatherer", as are many on the Forum. My "knack" is that almost anything that I try to do, I start off doing really really well. I'm ahead of the curve. The problem is that I'm not that good, and that advance doesn't last very long. Then, whatever the hobby is, becomes "work" and I don't wanna do it anymore. Of course, up until a couple of years ago, I always had an excuse other than "I don't wanna". "I'm too tired/busy/bored/awake/unfocused/otherstufftodo/" was a common thread in my head, and it never actually even approached the actual problem which was: I didn't want to. That's all. For some reason, in my head, "I don't want to" is not a valid reason.

But here's the thing: Nearly everything in your life is a choice, and certainly everything you do is a choice as well. And if you hate being lied to, as most of us do...well...what kind of a service does that do for our future selves?

So I tried really really hard. I tried like, probably harder than anything else that I've ever had to focus on for an extended period of time, to address my own lies. I had a few..."rules"...that I followed...kind of to keep things in perspective. Here they are, in no particular order. I'm probably forgetting some, but <meh>...the gist is what's important.

1. There are exceptions to every rule, and exceptions are easy to find.
2. I am rarely the exception, think of the consequences.
3. Treat others how you would like to be treated.
4. Honesty is always the best policy, but remember #1.
5. Why is always important.'

Nothing particularly special, but they helped me. There are exceptions to every rule. Wouldn't kill a baby? What if it were an absolute bonafide fact that that baby were harboring a virus that absolutely would wipe out life on this planet. Don't lie. Yes, it's a "far out" exception, but exceptions are easy. Finding a reason to claim one is hard.

Which brings me to number 2. See, I'm an egotist...I love having my ego stroked and thinking that I'm the biggest thing since hoverboards, so if I don't remind myself that I'm not invincible, I will at some point have to shamefully and possibly painfully concede that I am, in fact, vincible. Consequences are important. If the consequences will get progressively worse with each lie (a la 80's sitcoms), then don't fucking start the lie! Take your lumps, whatever they may be, and move on. You still have 7 billion other people that you can piss off, don't dwell too hard on one small situation.

3 is common sense, in my opinion, but it helps remind me that other people come from other places with other experiences. They've had experiences that have turned them into them...the only way their experiences could turn them into me is if they had my experiences, and if they had my experiences then I wouldn't have had them, and that would make me a different person anyway.

4 is again, just a reminder. On the roller coaster that is my brain, finding balance can be a complex process.

And number 5. Now, personally, I like to have 3 reasons to do anything. "Because it's fun" and "because I want to" only count for one reason, and "bucket list item" can count for all 3. Be honest with your bucket list too But this also means that I like to have reasons to not do something. Something that I, otherwise, would lie to myself about and say I wanted to do.

I've got a 1957 GMC that I haven't worked on in 7 years. I have time. I have energy (usually). My back isn't particularly screwed up in recent months. I haven't been too busy. I just haven't wanted to fuck with it. That's the cold hard truth. So...why do I keep moving it from house to house in the hopes that someday the Mechanic Fairy will show up and fix everything for me? Well...as of a couple of years ago, it has been because I was planning on paying someone else to do the work for me. And now...*sigh*...now I'm just at a "why bother" stage and I'm ready to get rid of the damn thing. But I don't think I would have gotten to this point without the process...I'd still be saying, "Oh, I haven't had time to work on it..." knowing deep in my heart that I was completely and utterly full of shit.

So you can see how this has worked for me. When someone asks me why I haven't done something, I tell them...and you know what? At work I'm one of the more highly respected people because I take ownership of ALL of my mistakes. I'm not proud, but I'm honest. My relationship with my wife has drastically improved, because she took a cue from me and started admitting her own "little bullshits". Understanding that the other person is trying can generate a helluva lot of understanding in return. So in both aspects of my life, being honest with myself has led me to a less-stressed environment, increasing happiness all around Of course - if your job is one where they'll pin you to the wall for a little mistake and it's an honest mistake, then remember #1. No, not my list up there, remember to take care of number one, yourself!