I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

[Akaichou]

Re: I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

I'm in a similar situation; my parents (specifically my mother) continues to use passive-aggressive and guilt-tripping techniques on me for years because I didn't turn out exactly the way she wanted me to be. She switches back and forth temperment-wise and every time I try to offer another choice I get ripped into. Not to mention, as a child of divorce, there was a time where I got stuck in the middle of them fighting. Because that's always a healthy situation for an impressionable child trying to find their own way and dealing with getting bullied at the same time. *Obvious sarcasm is obvious* My dad's family has Bi-Polar Disorder running through it and there was always a time when I felt like I had it (it would explain alot of things I did as a kid and my dad also had it ) but no, my mother never got me tested for it and would resort to comparing me to him sometimes to get her way.

I agree with Medusa; some people won't change no matter how hard you want them to but that doesn't mean that you just let yourself be the emotional whipping boy. People like that can't let go of their own fears and insecurities and then push onto other people or try to "relive" their own lives through them expecting no resistance. I love my parents too but I distanced myself from my dad because I just got sick of always feeling like I was never good enough and being manipulated. I know it's going to happen with my mother when I get my own place.

Enough is enough.

I think someone else mentioned it in this thread but phone calls, texts, etc. are good ways of keeping your distance. (Not to mention good ways of evidence if they are sending bad things to you and they try to deny it.)

[Hawkfeathers]

Re: I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

I'm a fan for sure!

[anunitu]

Re: I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

Me thinks I like this Larkin Bloke.....

[Tylluan Penry]

Re: I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

Here's another way of putting it (Philip Larkin was a 20th century UK poet) [sorry about the swearing ]:

This Be The Verse
By Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Mind you the last bit of advice is a bit stern. I had a rotten relationship with my mother, but I loved having children of my own.

[Medusa]

Re: I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

Their disappointment in themselves regarding me feels absolutely no different than them being disappointed in me. It means that they sit there and think of me, and are disappointed. It means that they look at my life and see nothing but failure that they blame themselves for.

It's hard to let go of things that are thrown in your face under the pretense of 'pushing me.'

I know hun. It looks and feels the same. But sometimes when we are aware of the underlying reason behind an action that controls us...that power disappears. It takes time of course. But understanding deep down what the reasons are..and seeing that it's their own deal...it will eventually help you not feel the sting.

Then again I'm a cold hearted bitch. I've learned to tune it all out.

Look. They see disappointment because you aren't like them. You aren't a clone of their ideals. Their morals. Their beliefs and attitudes.

If you are ok with that, that's not an insult. You are you. You like who you are. There is nothing wrong with that. There is no failure in being a unique individual who has made your own decisions.

Their disappointment is because you aren't like them. I'm pretty sure you are a ok with that. Again, this isn't about you as a failure. It's about their expectation for a clone and being cursed with an awesomely opinionated woman for a daughter. I'd take it.

[Bjorn]

Re: I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

I'm going to give you another view of things. Hoping it might take off some of the stress you are feeling. You are their only daughter. You see them as being disappointed in you. That's not the whole picture. They are disappointed in themselves. They feel they have failed in raising a daughter. They are carrying all those mistakes you made and wearing them around their souls. Put the stress where it belongs. On them. Walk away emotionally. Every time they act this way..know they are doing it to themselves. They can live in that circle of perpetual blame. You don't have to.

Their disappointment in themselves regarding me feels absolutely no different than them being disappointed in me. It means that they sit there and think of me, and are disappointed. It means that they look at my life and see nothing but failure that they blame themselves for.

It's hard to let go of things that are thrown in your face under the pretense of 'pushing me.'

[Gleb]

Re: I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

I'm going to give you another view of things. Hoping it might take off some of the stress you are feeling. You are their only daughter. You see them as being disappointed in you. That's not the whole picture. They are disappointed in themselves. They feel they have failed in raising a daughter. They are carrying all those mistakes you made and wearing them around their souls. Put the stress where it belongs. On them. Walk away emotionally. Every time they act this way..know they are doing it to themselves. They can live in that circle of perpetual blame. You don't have to.

Well said!

[Willow]

Re: I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

I'm going to give you another view of things. Hoping it might take off some of the stress you are feeling. You are their only daughter. You see them as being disappointed in you. That's not the whole picture. They are disappointed in themselves. They feel they have failed in raising a daughter. They are carrying all those mistakes you made and wearing them around their souls. Put the stress where it belongs. On them. Walk away emotionally. Every time they act this way..know they are doing it to themselves. They can live in that circle of perpetual blame. You don't have to.

This is great advice.

[Shahaku]

Re: I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

I'm kinda in the reverse situation, though still with the feeling of obligation and love for my mother. She depends on me, leans on me. And it's unfair. I'm 25, just getting established, trying to get my family off the ground and my mom is constantly wanting. More money, more time, more of my life. She's trying to live through me. And I desperately don't want to be around her, even though I love her.

A friend of mine is in al anon, and one thing she suggested was something like compassionate distancing. Drawing a line on the ground and saying, I'm not crossing this line. If you try to cross it, I'm ending the conversation and walking away. I love you, but I'm tired of going in circles about this. This involved having a conversation about that line, so both parties understand where it lies. It sounds like your parents really love you and want what's best for you, have you tried saying, "When you say this or do this, it really hurts me, and I can't keep having these conversations and nicks in my self-confidence."?

That's my advice, for what it's worth.

[Medusa]

Re: I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

I'm going to give you another view of things. Hoping it might take off some of the stress you are feeling. You are their only daughter. You see them as being disappointed in you. That's not the whole picture. They are disappointed in themselves. They feel they have failed in raising a daughter. They are carrying all those mistakes you made and wearing them around their souls. Put the stress where it belongs. On them. Walk away emotionally. Every time they act this way..know they are doing it to themselves. They can live in that circle of perpetual blame. You don't have to.

[Azvanna]

Re: I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

What the hell am I supposed to do about this?

Recognise it's not unusual and walk through it. It's damn painful.

Both sides are learning how to stay a family but operating freely. Mainly what it takes is less focus on what you have in common and more focus on how you relate to one another. For your parents, hopefully they will reach a point where they can trust that the parenting they have done in the past will help you to make good choices now. It's really too late for them to try to parent now. As for you, when you can internalise that sense of approval (they are giving it to you: You are loved, all of you. From your weed-smoking, sex-having, drunken, atheistic ways to your perfect 12 year old self, you're loved), you'll find you can always call on it even if your parents are speaking down to you.

It takes a LOT of time and patience. None of you are ever going to get it right 100% of the time, but hopefully you and your parents can get it right enough of the time that you can honour your ties and spend time together.

- - - Updated - - -

Also, if it helps do feel free to take a break every now and then. You can resort to phone calls in the meantime if you need to. Just say you will be really busy for the next few days/weeks and send text messages to touch base if you like. It's easier to exit a phone call than it is a visit.

[anubisa]

Re: I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

I'm so sorry about your situation. I'm lucky enough to have parents who love me and take care of me because of my health issues currently. I feel guilty because I can't work and drive (until the doctor says). My mother is the only one who I can talk to about my religion about, and even then I don't talk to her much about my religion. It sucks not having someone in the family to talk about my religion and my choices. Recently I changed my political choice to the Mountain/Green Party and I felt like my parents disapproved, but they didn't want to say anything. I was raised in a democrat family, but the main political parties don't interest me or align with my ideals anymore. I think the only things we can do about parents is love them, but stay firm about our beliefs. If they can't accept it then we must let them know that that's the way we are and it is our life that we are living. They can't live it for us. Blessings.

[Willow]

Re: I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

Sometimes I wonder if anyone has non-harmful parents, and then sometimes I think.... they must exist somewhere or else we wouldn't know what non-harm was. I'm also not entirely sure where to go from that point thought-wise, but figured I'd type it anyway like the brain-dead zombie I am right now. :P

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I don't think anyone will ever know "exactly" what you're going through at any given time, because no one can live it with you, but at least there's a host of humans around the planet who have also had difficult parents and at least can relate a bit. Enough to know that there are people you can talk, or vent, it out with.

I have absolutely no intentions of building a better relationship with my own parents, we're going no contact shortly, but at least I can understand what it feels like for that person who is supposed to love you unconditionally to see only what they want to see, expect only what their ideal was when you were still a child, and shun or criticize everything else (sometimes that includes independent thought and personal responsibility - which is sort of what adulthood is).

I wish I had the answers, I'm still looking for them. But to be honest, if someone came up to me right now and explained all the why's and how's and wtf's to me right now... I probably wouldn't want to hear them. I think I get more out of taking it step by step and working through the weird as it happens and hoping to one day move beyond it all entirely. I don't think there's any real logic or rationale to that sort of behavior anyway besides the insular thinking patterns that some people cling to.

[Gleb]

Re: I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

As concerning ideals of whom a person should be - you don't have to be the one they want you to. Seriously. It's your life.
When it goes to an argument or an unpleasant conversation, I suggest to ask to switch the subject, or to "put bananas in the ears". You can also say that you don't want to listen to all those things.
I'm more or less in the same situation here, so I know what you mean. Especially with the ideals thing. My parents don't approve of my being Kemetic. My father, at least, tries to avoid the subject, which I'm grateful for.

So what if you're not good at paper work? There are jobs where you don't need to have business with paper and you can still enjoy doing them. My only advice here is that you keep looking. Maybe, just maybe having a course or two can be vital in order to be accepted to a specific job... I don't know how it works there, so I'm not sure.

[Norse_Angel]

Re: I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks

I know your troubles quite well. My father and I have never gotten along, and I was forced out of the house at 18. I rarely see my family anymore, for anytime I would come visit, I would always end up getting into an argument with him about my life, and my choices, and why I was where I was at. When I told him the news about my to-be-born child, in no way shape or form was he happy to hear I was going to bare him a granddaughter. He still hasn't commented on the fact. When I told him it was a girl, he ended up dousing my joy at the news with some burdens from the past. I ended up hanging up on him, and that's the last time I tried talking to him.
When it comes to my spiritual beliefs, when I started setting up altars in my room, when I lived with him, he would take to dismantling them. He was born and raised Jewish, and while I have no problem with that, he does not take kindly to what I believe in, and has made it his goal to change it.
I was a rebellious child. My brother took to sports, and I took to forests, and books. He would push me to do something manly instead of gardening at the house with my mother. He even ended up destroying my garden when I was 13. As time went on, he got nastier about my appearance as well. Forcing my to cut my long "hippie" hair. I ended up getting my ear pierced, and he freaked out, calling me gay, and saying he didn't raise me to be like that.
Many of us have parent problems. Do I hope to fix mine in the future? Yes. But there is a lot of past and present problems I face in trying to pave the road for a better relationship. We're on the same boat my friend.