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    Pagan Humor

    the following was originally posted by Gwen, pre-crash cache:

    Charge of the Error Goddess
    *See below for attribution
    Listen to the words of the Missing Page. I who of old was also called among men 404, Error, Broken Link, screw up, bad page, missing file, "Damn it, where the hell did it go?" and by many other names. At mine altars the youth of various college computer departments across the world made due sacrifice.

    Whenever ye shall work on a particular web site, once in the month, and better it be when the Moon is Full and while drinking beverages rich in caffiene, then shall ye gather around the computer and run a link checker to ensure that I will never trouble thee. I, who am the ruler of all neglected web sites and poorly coded home pages. There shall ye gather, ye who are fain to master the test of navigation, yet have not yet won its deepest secrets: to these I will hide as they find that which is broken and code thy site until it is whole again.

    And your site shall be free from errors; and as a sign that they be really free, ye shall never, ever use animated background; and ye shall code, ftp, edit, create and write, all to stave off my curse. For mine is the sign of uncaring hands, and mine also is joy of trial and error, for my law is the error.

    Keep pure your code, strive ever towards cross-platform compatibility, and let naught stop you or turn you aside. For mine is the password protected door which opens upon the secret mysteries via the .htaccess file as well as the errors of missing pages and overloaded servers, and the no DNS entry error, which is the sign of web site Armageddon.

    * "Charge of the Error Goddess" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License. Copyright Jen Lepp and released to be used under the stated conditions.
    Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of HistoryPagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible
    sigpic

    #2
    Re: Pagan Humor

    (pre-crash cache posted by fireymander)

    Pagan Lightbulb Jokes

    Q: How many Dianic Wiccans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Just one, and it's NOT FUNNY!!!

    Q: How many Dianics does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: (any large number here) -- One to change the light bulb, one to prepare the environmental impact statement, and the rest to do a self-criticism afterwards...

    Q:How many years does it take a Dianic Wiccan to change a light bulb?
    A: You can change it whenever you are empowered to do so.

    Q: How many years does it take a Dianic Wiccan to change a light bulb?
    A: Not sure.....we'll call Z. Budapest and get back to you!

    Q:How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in Stone Circles.

    Q: How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Thirteen! One to hold the bulb and 12 to drink enough to make the room spin.

    Q: How many years does it take a Druid to change a light bulb?
    A: 21, unless you're Irish.

    Q: How many Isians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to handle publicity, and one to write the newsletter.

    Q: How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!

    Q: How many Brit.Trad WItches does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Thirteen. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.

    Q: How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: It's a third degree secret.

    Q: How many years does it take a Gardnerian witch to change a light bulb?
    A: A year and A day in an Outer Grove, a year and a day at first level, a year and a day at second level, but only third levels change light bulbs.

    Q: How many Alexandrian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: "Lets go see how the Gardnerians do it!"

    Q: How many years does it take an Alexandrian Witch to change a light bulb?
    A: That's the Maiden's Job. Maiden - Make it so.

    Q: How many Starhawk Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: (plaintively) "There are starving villages in Africa that don't even HAVE light bulbs..."

    Q: How many years does it take a Starhawk Witch to change a light bulb?
    A: Well, it depends how hard you study, but you can do it now if you are solitary.

    Q: How many solitary Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)

    Q: How many years does it take for a solitary Witch to change a light bulb?
    A: How long does it take to get one out of the closet?

    Q: How many years does it take a Kitchen Witch to change a light bulb?
    A: Its already been changed.

    Q: How many years does it take a White Light Wiccan to change a light bulb?
    A: Look deep within and find your true essence. That will tell you how long it will take.

    Q: How many Frost "School of Wicca" Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: "Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYWHERE! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."

    Q: How many Erisians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: "How many of them are there?"

    Q: How many Wiccans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Four. One for each quarter.

    Q: How many Proteans does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: I can't tell you--they never change a light bulb the same way twice!

    Q: How many Proteans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: How many will fit?

    Q: How many Buckland Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: "Refer to my second book, "Practical Light Bulb Changing" by Raymond Buckland..."

    Q: How many Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that light bulbs never burned out before those damned Christians came along.

    Q: How many Thelemites does it take....
    A: None, Every One of them is a Star.

    Q: How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: What do you want it changed into?

    Q: How many Witches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None, they do it in great rites.

    Q: How many Golden Dawners does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One to hold the ladder, one to hold the bulb, three to decipher the Light Bulb Ritual from the Secret Chiefs, one to publish it, and one to sue all the others.

    Q: How many NRDers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 14. One to do it, one to write poetry about it, and 12 to hold a Council and decide whether or not the poem's authentic.

    Q: How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw on the altar!

    Q: How many Tantrics does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 2 as long as the lamp is by the bed...

    Q: How many Ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.

    Q: How many Kabbalists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 261.

    Q: How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of light bulbs.

    Q: How many Taurus does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: What, me move?

    Q: How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 2

    Q: How many Cancer does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

    Q: How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

    Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.

    Q: How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

    Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. They LIKE the dark.

    Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

    Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: The light's fine as it is.

    Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

    Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: What light bulb?

    Q: How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: "Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"

    Q: How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Five. One to change it and four to share the experience!

    Q: How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: (in a flaky voice) We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at our quartz crystals and they glow.

    Q: How many years does it take for a New-ager to change a light bulb?
    A: Well, it takes many many years, unless you pay $650 US non refundable, Visa or MC accepted. Then you can do it after the weekend intensive training seminar.

    Q: How many Boulderites (as in Boulder, CO, mecca of new agers) does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. They just join self-help groups to learn to live with darkness in their lives.

    Q: How many Odinists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 21, one to hold the light bulb, 20 to drink till the world spins

    Q. How many toads does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A. One, if you can remember which one used to be the electrician.

    Q. How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A. Only two, but they have to be very small!

    Q. How many Ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.

    Q. How many Frost "School of Wicca" witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."

    Q. How many Discordians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A. A blue fish Tueday.

    Q. How many Erisians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. "How many have we got?"

    Q. How many Discordians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A. 2-One to hold a ladder and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored east german machine tools.(this one also works with any variation on How many surreliests..)

    Q. How many Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A. Four. One for each direction.

    Q. How many members of IOT does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
    A. Sorry, that ritual is copyrighted.

    Q. How many Proteans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A. How many will fit?

    Q. How many Asatruars does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A. None. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient, thank you.

    Q. How many Seax Wicca witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. "Refer to my second book, "Practical Light Bulb Changing" by Raymond Buckland..."

    Q. How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A. Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before those damned Christains came along.

    Q. How many TechnoPagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A. If the computer is still working, who cares about the light bulb.

    Q. How many solitary witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. (If they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)

    Q. How many years does it take a Kitchen Witch to change a light bulb?
    A. Already changed.

    Q. How many lesbian feminist Dianic Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A. Just one, and it's NOT FUNNY!!!

    Q. How many Dianics does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. (Any large number here) -- One to change the light bulb, one to prepare the environmental impact statement, and the rest to do a self-criticism afterwords...

    Q. How many Isians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to handle publicity, and one to write the newsletter.

    Q. How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Candle light was good enough for grandma, it's good enough for me!

    Q. How many Brit Trad WItches does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. 13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.

    Q. How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. (In a low ominous tone) "Why do you want to know...Initiate?"

    Q. How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. It's a third degree secret.

    Q. How many years does it take a Gardnerian witch to change a light bulb?
    A. A year and A day in an Outer Grove, a year and a day at first level, a year and a day at second level, but only third levels change light bulbs.

    Q. How may light bulbs does it take to change a Gardnerian?
    A. None, they can do it all by themselves, thank you very much!!

    Q. How many Alexandrian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. "Lets go see how the Gardnerians do it!"

    Q. How many years does it take an Alexandrian witch to change a light bulb?
    A. That's the Maiden's Job. Maiden - Make it so.

    Q. How many Alexandrians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Thirteen; a High Priestess to change the bulb, and 12 coven members to hold her up under all that jewelry!

    Q. How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. None; real Thelemites aren't afraid of the dark!

    Q. How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Six; one to change the bulb, one to write a song about how much better the old bulb was, and four to write conflicting parodies of the second Druid's song.

    Q. How many shamans does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. None; they shapeshift into a cat or a bat, and can see in the dark.

    Q. How many mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. 1,331 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed;
    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently;
    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;
    27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs;
    53 to flame the spell checkers;
    41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames;
    156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb, discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list;
    109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to another list ;
    203 to demand that cross posting to other lists about changing light bulbs be stopped;
    111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list ;
    3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list;
    306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty;
    27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs;
    14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs ;
    33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
    12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey;
    19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
    4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
    48 to propose new change.lite.bulb newsgroup
    47 to say there is already an alt.light.bulb newsgroup
    143 to ask if anyone ever did change the lightbulb
    Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of HistoryPagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible
    sigpic

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Pagan Humor

      Q. How many Alchemists does it take to change a lightbulb?

      A. One to perform the Magnum Opus, one hundred thousand to try to figure out how to do it again based on the instructions left by that first guy.
      Every moment of a life is a horrible tragedy, a slapstick comedy, dark nihilism, golden illumination, or nothing at all; depending on how we write the story we tell ourselves.

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Pagan Humor

        Hee, this is fun ^_^


        The Top 10 Ways To Annoy A Pagan

        Author Unknown

        10. Sayyyyyyy, is that a Jewish star?

        9. No, then you must listen to Motley Crue, right? Not that, either? I know, it's a ... a ... Pentacost, right?

        8. You guys really worship the devil, huh? Cool, I, like, listen to Black Sabbath, like, all the time, dude.

        7. Oh, you're a Witch! I'm like, totally into, like, Goddess Consciousness. I sleep with a crystal every night, and have an Atlantean spirit guide. Will you teach me all the secrets of your religion?

        6. I hear you Pagans do all your stuff in the nude. Wanna show me?

        5. You will all burn in Hell. The Goddess is really Satan in drag. You don't believe in Satan? Boy, does he have you fooled!

        4. Fascinating. I'm a sociologist; may I study you as a phenomena?

        3. Do you really believe in all that nonsense?

        2. You worship the Goddess? Poor thing; you obviously haven't heard about Jesus. Here, let me tell you...

        And (drum roll, please):

        1. You're a witch, huh? Well, I'm initated at a higher level than you. I was initated at the age of seven by my grandmother, who was the last of the Atlantean Trad Elvish Ninja Masters. I don't suppose YOU have any lineage.

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Pagan Humor

          What's the difference between New Age and Pagan?

          About $500.00 a weekend.




          A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.
          "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says.
          "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man.
          "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.




          Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of HistoryPagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible
          sigpic

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Pagan Humor

            how many alchemists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
            the lightbulb is simply a symbol of the spirit. you will screw in the lightbulb when you screw inb the lightbulb of your soul

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Pagan Humor

              Charge of the Coffee Godess

              Listen to the words of the Great Mother, She who of old was called among men Savarin, Nescafe, Folgers Crystals and so many other names...

              Whenever ye have need of wakefulness, at least once in the day, and better it be when the sun is rising, then ye shall assemble in your kitchens and adore the essence of Me who am Queen of all Beverages. There ye shall assemble, ye who are fain to gain awakening, yet have not won open eyes, to these I will teach things that are yet unknown.

              And ye shall be free from coherence; and as a sign that ye be truly free, ye shall be yawning in your rites; and ye shall read the morning paper, make bacon and eggs, and drive to work, all in My praise. For Mine is the ecstasy of the awakened, and Mine also is joy on earth; for My law is sleeplessness unto all beings.

              Keep clean your mug; let naught float upon its surface and so turn your stomach. For Mine is the secret door which opens upon the land of coherence, and Mine is the cup of the Elixir of Life, and the Cauldron of Caffeine, which is the Holy Grail of Insomnia. I am the Gracious Goddess, who gives the gift of wakefulness unto the mind of man.

              Upon awakening, I give the knowledge of the caffeine high eternal, and beyond morning, I give peace, and warmth, and tolerance of those with whom ye must interact. Nor do I demand aught of Saccharin; for Behold! I am the Mother of all Stimulants, and My love is poured out into your mug.
              I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them ... John Bernard Books


              Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official; "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

              The Chief nodded in agreement.

              The official continued; "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

              The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

              Then the chief leaned back and smiled; "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."



              Comment


                #8
                Re: Pagan Humor

                magusjinx:
                Very much win there! Love it ^_^

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: Pagan Humor

                  So one day, Buddha goes to a hotdog vendor & asks for a hotdog. The vendor asks, "how do you want that?"
                  Buddha replies, "make me one with everything".
                  The vendor says, "that'll be $1.25", Buddha hands him a $20.
                  After waiting patiently for a few moments, Buddha asks, "Where's my change?"
                  The vendor replies, "Change must come from within!"


                  Not exactly Pagan, buuutt, still funny:

                  An atheist was walking through the woods one day when suddenly an 8-foot grizzly bear began to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

                  "OH MY GOD! ..." the atheist screamed. Time stopped... The bear froze ... The forest was silent... Even the river stopped moving ... As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around, 'You Deny My Existence For All These Years, Teach Others That I Don't Exist; And Even Credit Creation To Some Cosmic Accident. Do You Expect Me To Help You Out Of This Predicament? Am I To Count You As A Believer???'

                  Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, 'It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?' 'Very Well.' said The Voice. The light went out.... The river ran.... The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive.'
                  The forum member formerly known as perzephone. Or Perze. I've shed a skin.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: Pagan Humor

                    You might be a red neck pagan.....

                    If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg....
                    If you think a goblet is a young turkey....
                    If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse....
                    If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis"....
                    If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13....
                    If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene....
                    If you pronounce "Athame" as "Athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or Sam-hayn"....
                    If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl....
                    If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team....
                    If your Bard plays the banjo....
                    If your 'Long Lost Friend really IS....
                    If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars....
                    If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....
                    If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head....
                    If you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....
                    If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"....
                    If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back....
                    If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker....
                    If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun....
                    If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt.
                    If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff....
                    If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21....
                    If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved road"....
                    If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag....
                    If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle....
                    If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still....
                    If you use an engine block for an altar....
                    If your High Priestess is your cousin -as well as your wife....
                    If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?"....
                    If your pickup truck has an Athame rack....
                    If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....
                    If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar....
                    You might be a Redneck Pagan!
                    They moaned and squealed, and pressed their snouts to the earth. We are sorry, we are sorry.
                    Sorry you were caught, I said. Sorry that you thought I was weak, but you were wrong.
                    -Madeline Miller, Circe

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: Pagan Humor

                      Forgive me if these aren't perfect, I'm recalling them from memory:


                      A little girl had a box of kittens sitting in her front yard, with a sign that said "Free To A Good Home" and a preacher walked by and saw them.
                      "Would you like a kitty?" she asked him.
                      He replied, "I'm afraid I don't have the time to take care of one. But thank you!"
                      "Are you sure?" she said. "They're Christian kittens!"
                      The preacher thought this was adorable, and when he happened to pass by again a week later and see the same girl with her box of kittens in her yard, he said, "Hello again! How are you and your Christian kittens doing?"
                      "Oh, they aren't Christian kittens anymore," she told him. "Their eyes are open now."




                      Three friends from service in different faiths decided they would go fishing. The preacher, the rabbi and the high priestess brought their tackle boxes along and got in their boat before pushing off.
                      "Oh, no," said the Rabbi, "I seem to have forgotten my fishing pole!" He stood up, stepped out of the boat and walked on the water back to the shore, returning with his fishing pole.
                      "Oops!" said the high priestess. "I forgot the bait on shore. I'll be right back." She then stood up, stepped out of the boat and walked on the water back to the shore, returning with the bait.
                      The preacher watched all of this with his eyes wide in shock. "If they can do it," he said, "surely I can do it, too!" So he stood up, stepped out of the boat and promptly sunk beneath the surface.
                      The rabbi had a good laugh. "Do you think we should have told him about the stepping stones?"
                      The high priestess turned to him and asked, "What stones?"

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: Pagan Humor

                        A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.


                        Fifty Sure-Fire Ways to Tell If Your Next-Door Neighbor is a Pagan

                        How many of the following does your neighbor exhibit?

                        1. Never puts garbage out on the curb...I mean, recycling and compost are fine, but you can take it too far!
                        2. You casually mention the moon's phase, and s/he replies with the exact number of days, hours, and minutes of rising, position on horizon, and current angle of declination.
                        3. All the stray cats in the neighborhood congregate in her/his garden.
                        4. A screech-owl has chosen the lamppost outside her/his house as it's favorite perch...just when it's getting warm outside at night and you want to sleep with your windows open.
                        5. Doesn't mow down the weeds in his/her garden and lawn...in fact, it sort of looks like s/he's cultivating them!
                        6. The abundance of black garments drying on the clothesline out back.
                        7. Local kids whisper and stare as they pass his/her house, then start running if they spot movement in the house or yard.
                        8. Nobody trick-or-treats at his/her door--not since the year that his/her costume was scarier than any of theirs!
                        9. Footprints on the roof...and the trees near the house look as if they've been pruned for a flight-path!
                        10. S/he can't make a sandwich without adding fresh herbs to it...and don't accept that offer of a cup of tea unless you want something yellow-colored and smelling like flowers!
                        11. S/he never gets junk mail...you idly wonder why, and s/he confides that she just returns it to sender after writing something on it in strange curly script.
                        12. When you drop in for a chat, the coffee pot or tea kettle is already starting to perk.
                        13. Jehovah's Witnesses never knock on his/her door anymore...not after the last time...
                        14. Keeps the local candle shop solvent.
                        15. Has a pond out back full of frogs...and you haven't seen that pesky storm-window salesman in a while.
                        16. S/he's always smiling peacefully!
                        17. Went to a Halloween costume party dressed normally, and won first prize!
                        18. Her/his house always smells like incense and herbs.
                        19. Has cats named Kali, Diana, Loki, and Pele.
                        20. Bumper-sticker on his/her car reads, "I brake for toads".
                        21. Frequently gets questioned by the drug squad, who confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves and always return them with abject apologies after analysis!
                        22. At Christmas, it seems like half the garden is moved into the house.
                        23. Sometimes you hear the sounds of singing and drumming through the wall...if you look outside, it's usually a full moon.
                        24. Was given a bodram or dumbek for her/his last birthday...and sometimes plays it outside at midnight...
                        25. You discover the "realistic resin" skull s/he affectionately calls "Ron" in the living room actually is real...and hadn't you heard of an ex-lover named Ron?
                        26. You catch her/him washing a crystal ball along with the dishes.
                        27. S/he wears lots of silver jewelry, even when weeding or changing the oil in the car...
                        28. You knock on the door and s/he answers it wearing only a robe...you apologize for disturbing her/his shower, but notice her/his hair isn't wet...
                        29. Tendency to hum or softly chant, especially while outside in the garden.
                        30. Has a tame robin that will eat from his/her hand in the garden...that can't be normal.
                        31. Never catches a cold, despite a tendency to walk around barefoot often...even in the snow.
                        32. Doesn't kill spiders...even the huge hairy ones that startle you when you're in the tub.
                        33. Always listens to what you're saying like s/he really cares.
                        34. Has lots of female friends that come around once or twice a month...when you ask what they're up to, s/he tells you they just have cake and ale and a nice chat.
                        35. You catch him/her hugging a tree.
                        36. Owns a dinner set decorated with Celtic patterns or a "stars and moons" design.
                        37. Has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gems wholesaler.
                        38. The priest who lives around the corner always crosses himself when driving past her/his house.
                        39. Never watches television...but owns shelves full of books with black spines and silver lettering.
                        40. To your certain knowledge has never set foot in the local church...you've even heard rumors s/he's been barred from it.
                        41. You ask to borrow a deck of cards for an impromptu evening of canasta, and there are 78 in the pack.
                        42. You've never known him/her to go to a physician.
                        43. When you chat, s/he gently maintains eye contact the whole time.
                        44. Expectant mothers are always visiting...also women who become expectant mothers a short time after visiting and leaving with bags full of herbs.
                        45. You ask for suggestions of nice walks in the area, and they all go by way of strange earth mounds, oak groves, and stone circles.
                        46. S/he only buys organic food...and you suspect vegetarian as well!
                        47. When you ask about vacation plans, you're told about camping in yurts...or festivals with communal cabins.
                        48. There aren't any clocks in the house...and most of the mirrors are black.
                        49. Has a statue of a dragon near the garden gate...calls it her/his "watch-dragon".
                        50. Tells you s/he's coming out of the broom closet, and installs a stained-glass pentagram window in the front door!


                        Score:
                        1-10: Probably just a bit odd.
                        11-20: Might be a New Age hippy...harmless, maybe a little deluded.
                        21-30: Best not to offend her/him, just to be on the safe side.
                        31-40: Definitely something suspicious going on...stock up on your supply of Holy Water.
                        41-50: Get the kindling together--we're going to have ourselves a burning!
                        I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them ... John Bernard Books


                        Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official; "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

                        The Chief nodded in agreement.

                        The official continued; "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

                        The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

                        Then the chief leaned back and smiled; "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."



                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: Pagan Humor

                          ^ i only got 11, i feel dirty and new age-ish
                          But mummy the other religions dont have to 'an it harm none'

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: Pagan Humor

                            What's the best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on...

                            Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
                            A: Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

                            Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician?
                            A: Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.

                            Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veterinarian?
                            A: Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.

                            Q: What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
                            A: A Self-Cleaning Coven

                            Q: What kind of furniture does a Goddess worshipper prefer?
                            A: Wicker

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Pagan Humor

                              My tribute to OnMyWay ...

                              * Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

                              * For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

                              * The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

                              * Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

                              * Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

                              * The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
                              I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them ... John Bernard Books


                              Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official; "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

                              The Chief nodded in agreement.

                              The official continued; "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

                              The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

                              Then the chief leaned back and smiled; "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."



                              Comment

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