Well, I blurted out about the recent death of my nephew in forums. I didn't mean to, it was inappropriate for the debate. I just panicked after I got the news and spent all day with my crying and distraught relatives, playing phone tag and trying to track down everyone and make plans. I had stayed up 24 hours without any sleep yesterday. I usually sleep in the afternoons, you see, but after getting the news early yesterday morning I didn't get any sleep until 11pm that night. So, "frazzled" is just one word for it, but a dull one. u_u

Anyways, I barely slept six hours because I kept dreaming that I was a superhero, pulling my nephew from the car and getting him out of there before the shots fired. I think I may have cried in my sleep, but I don't remember, just woke up with water on my face. While awake, I haven't cried once yet. Don't worry, this is what I do, I'm weird with death... I seem to not cry or feel the grief until after the funeral. I did this when my aunt died earlier this year, my grandmother two years before, my grandfather before that, and with my great aunt before that.

The simple fact is that my family don't live very long lives. We have a lot of health issues, so the fact that my grandparents lived to see 80 is a miracle within itself. We usually die by 70 and it's from either stroke, heart attack, cancer, or the combination of all three. Blindness also runs in my genetics too, so I was born knowing that I don't have forever on this earth so I gotta to make the most of everything as much as I can and am able to. But, I still made the foolish mistake of taking up smoking cigarettes, knowing full well we have cancer running amok, when I was in my early twenties. I'm age 32 now and struggling to quit, because that's just stupid of me to tempt things further. >_>

But the death of my nephew doesn't equate or make any sense. He was 24 and healthy. He didn't smoke, didn't drink, never touched any drugs. His only mistake was idolizing the "thug life" and hanging out with some rough and shady characters that he called "friends". He was shot while sitting in his parked car, waiting for his "friend" to come out and meet him, when some unknown gunmen or gunman ran up and fired. He was killed by a bullet to the head, the fatal shot, and one in the shoulder. I saw the crime scene photo of where it happened, it was dark and without and gory details, but clearly marked of shell casings around the vehicle. That "friend" in question ran away when it happened, didn't contact police, won't answer his calls from my nephew's sister and mother calling him to find out what happened, not talking to police. And the police found my nephews cellphone on the "friend", confiscated it for evidence, while they're still investigating. It's just awful. u_u

Family is flying in and I spent some time today hearing the sobs of my mother and aunts. I know I will be sobbing too, sooner or later, but not right now. I'm still pretty stunned and numb. Robert (my nephew) was my closest and most favorite nephew. I grew up with him, as he was born when I was just 8 years old. I keep remember that last hug he gave me this August, this very hard tight hug that makes me worry that he's going to crack one of my ribs! LOL! He gave me this hug all the time, every time I saw him. He had wished me luck in publishing my book, and I never got to tell him yet that I did succeed in that. I had planned to bring it up this Christmas, when I saw him again, as we had presents for him and his daughter, my great niece. I never would have guessed that he wouldn't be around for Christmas... My mind was more on another great aunt of mine, who is sick and have Alzheimer's, much much older and I wondered if she would be okay this Christmas even though she is with family in New Orleans.

My sister is flying back home for the funeral, as she moved earlier this year to Minnesota. We're getting the money together so that she may do that, because she is without and didn't plan on coming home for Christmas. My oldest brother is also coming in from Maryland to help bury his son. My brother's father (my mother's first husband) is also flying in from North Carolina to attend the funeral. I still have a few people to call and let know what has happened, like my uncle and aunt who lives in Virginia and a few cousins who live in Delaware. We're not sure on the day of the funeral yet, as my older brother and his ex have to decide that first. Right now, my nephew's mother as you can imagine is completely out of it... grief is taking over and she's not speaking well or in her right mind, at the moment. u_u

So, I'm allowing myself to vent here, allowing myself to find the funny in things, allow myself to try and make some kind of normal movements to my day. I haven't eaten my breakfast yet... it's now noon. I think I should at least try to, because I don't need to make myself sick. It just seem like a chore now, to eat something, to bathe, to go about my day. I've been laying in this bed since 4am this morning in front of the laptop, and that's so unlike me. Well, better get a move on...

Thanks to everyone for their condolences! Hugs to Maria. ^_^