I decided not to post this in the Rant Thread, because it's a lot of rant... and I get the feeling that people are tried of seeing my face everywhere in posts. Which is fine... I don't have to post here at all, I can go away. I need to vent, but that's what this blog is for, right? If not, I can find somewhere else to vent than here too. I don't stay where I'm not wanted, unless it's a funeral where I must say goodbye to someone who would've wanted me to be there. u_u

And that's where the anger starts for me today... my nephew's funeral. His mother told us on the phone that she was going to wait until my brother, my nephew's father, would come in from Maryland to speak with her and help set the date. My nephew was killed on Sunday and his mother was out of town on vacation at the time, so she herself had to fly back. She did so quickly and decided that since she was here and my brother was not yet, she would go ahead with planning EVERYTHING alone and set the funeral for this Friday!

My brother is working overtime to get here and was planning to be here by Wednesday or Thursday to set the date with her. My sister was scraping together money to get a plane ticket back. My aunts from out of town, my nephew great aunts, are scrambling to get here. And my brother's father, my nephew's grandfather, can't afford a plane ticket so he's taking a bus and will be here Friday afternoon... way after the scheduled service. My nephew's brother is in Maryland too, so broken up, trying to get his ticket to come to Philly too. My mother and family friends offered to pay for some of the arrangements and wanted to help out. I've been collecting my photos of him for the pamphlets (forget what they're called right now) to be handed out, but it's not needed now. I have to get a new shirt for the funeral, because I have nothing to wear for the funeral except for some slacks. She just rushed ahead without us, like she always did when my nephew was alive! And as it stands, it means that people that should be there at the funeral won't be able to make it! I'm so angry! I don't know what to do with this anger! I'm so fucking angry!!! It's not fair! >_<

The problem is, this have always been the issue with my brother's ex. This is why they split apart, to be honest. She's the type to take over everything concerning my nephew and cut everyone out. And then in the next breath scream, "I always have to take care of my son, all by myself! No one cares for him like I do! I'm the one always in his corner, everyone else is absent!" Yet, she sets it up so it makes it impossible for everyone else to be present. u_u
The fact is, when my nephew was born he was mostly with me and my family, because his mother was young (not a teen mother, but fresh out of highschool) and she decided she just wanted to drink, party, and run the streets. She even thank my mother ten years ago with, "Thanks for allowing me to have a childhood in watching Robert for me, while I got to do my thing with my friends! I so appreciate that, because I'm better off not having to give up the good times in my life to be tied down to a baby." Maybe it's just me, but I found that fucking awful to say or think! >_<

And when she decided to settle down and take the mother role, Robert was age 10. And she decided that he shouldn't be around us much and always around her, that she'll handle everything. We all backed off, as she wished. He would still get a ride or convince his other grandmother, her mother, to drop him off at our place over the years because he missed us. But now I feel so guilty about not being a squeaky wheel against that arrangement. I fell into that idea that "mother knows best", thinking maybe he was better off without us and with his mother. I found out in the later years, that she liked to hang around rough crowds and criminals, is an alcoholic, was diagnosed as schizophrenic and is on a high dose of lithium, and yes she legally owns several guns.

A friend of mine once screamed, "How did a crazy get a gun????" And I replied, "It was before she was diagnosed and apparently they didn't give her a psych test as a requirement to get the guns. So, the real question is... who would be brave enough and try to take away her guns? She is apt to fire at will at anyone trying to, including police." So, that's where my mind is at about gun control, not political, just a human interest in the fact that my nephew's mother is capable of shooting up a neighborhood block because they pissed her off and her guns are LEGAL. She's living her constitutional rights. >_>

But, not to get too far off focus, this is why everyone is too afraid to speak up about her way of cutting people out of her son's life and even his death. I'm so sick inside, so angry, that my sister won't be able to make it. Or Robert's grandfather. Or one of his great aunts. They should be there! They loved him too, they're crying too, they're having nightmares and can't sleep too. u_u
And she will yell about how they didn't show up too, trust me. Yet that's unfair because it's the holiday season and everyone was caught off guard without any money! My sister bought presents for Robert and his daughter, then spent a lot of money to ship them to me to give to him! She can't come because she is broke and only had half the plane ticket money to get here. She was working on getting the rest! The same for the others. How was we suppose to know that my nephew would be killed the week before Christmas? To save some of our money aside for attending a funeral? And why is she rushing to do it this week, why not Monday, to give people time to get here!?
This is just so fucked up. >_<

But, I know... she's the grieving mother.... I shouldn't be so angry, I'm trying not to be... but I am. u_u