Guys, I have a serious problem....

[ThorsSon]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

I don't have anything to add other than "ditto" to all that's already been said.

Good luck, and be safe.

[Willow]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

As a police officer, I would recommend that you run to the hills and don't look back. He's beginning the cycle of abuse. What you're in is called the tension-building phase. He's attempting to emotionally dominate you and make you scared and guilty to leave by throwing in vague, read-between-the-line hints. It never gets better. It never, ever gets better. It only gets worse. To be frank, he's a shit bag.

You have to weigh your options. Does he know where you live? Where you work? Who your friends are? Do you have personal property in his possession that you need to get back?

You have options. First, you have the right to acquire a firearm as long as you meet certain guidelines. You have the right to get a protection order or a restraining order... just remember that these are pieces of paper. If you need to take a male friend or relative with you, then do that. If you need to break up via text-message, then do that. Heck, you can even just not speak to him anymore and change your phone number. You aren't obligated to be nice to him.

You can also speak to a police officer or sheriff's deputy, depending on where you live. Heck, you might even have the right to run a limited criminal history on him to see if he's been convicted of domestic violence. This will depend on California's laws. You may be able to do an open records check in the jurisdiction where he resides to see if they've had any negative contact with him.

You'll have enough negativity in your life without having to walk on eggshells in your own house.

This is where I was going to go, but GabrielWithoutWings summed it up better than I ever could have. Involve the police if you need to, it's what they do best. Even if you just have the cell phone handy and ready to dial 911, just in case.

[Medusa]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

Men like this have a very distinct pattern of behavior. They pick on the weak. And ONLY the weak. They know how to control themselves in public. Around bosses. Around authority. They don't have an anger problem. They have their anger all worked out. And they know exactly how to use it. And on who. If you are to be in front of him telling him it's over, be strong. Fake it to the max. State its over.Stick to it. Stand tall. Stare him in the eye. Of course have someone with you. Pepper spray if you have to. But do not go into some long winded explanation as to why it's over etc. Don't start crying. In essence don't act like a weak chick. Good luck.

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

Again, thank you all for your wise words. I have to do it before Friday because we had plans on Friday. I'm going to ask him to meet me in a somewhat public place, on top of having my brother and/or close male friend nearby, and a cell phone at the ready.
You're right, Medusa, I have to show him that I am not someone he can push around anymore.
On some, irrational level, I feel almost guilty for taking the time to figure out all of these precautions, but I know it's the right thing to do. In a normal relationship I would have met him in private as soon as I'd made up my mind- I've done that before. But this is not a normal relationship, so it cannot be treated like a normal breakup.

[Medusa]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

Again, thank you all for your wise words. I have to do it before Friday because we had plans on Friday. I'm going to ask him to meet me in a somewhat public place, on top of having my brother and/or close male friend nearby, and a cell phone at the ready.
You're right, Medusa, I have to show him that I am not someone he can push around anymore.
On some, irrational level, I feel almost guilty for taking the time to figure out all of these precautions, but I know it's the right thing to do. In a normal relationship I would have met him in private as soon as I'd made up my mind- I've done that before. But this is not a normal relationship, so it cannot be treated like a normal breakup.

Do not feel guilty. That will only cause you to feel and act weak! YOU didn't do anything wrong here. YOU are taking action. You can do this!

[ThorsSon]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

As Medusa said, don't feel guilty. People who bully/abuse others often succeed because they cause their victims to feel guilty and/or deserving of the abuse. Don't give in to it. You aren't the guilty party. You deserve better. Don't let those thoughts into your mind.

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

You're absolutely right, ThorsSon and Medusa. I'm doing what I have every right in the world to do, and what I have to do in order to maintain my well being. What happened wasn't my fault, it was his, and I'm not responsible for his issues. He has treated me in ways that were unacceptable and put me in some dangerous positions. He has intimidated me repeatedly, and he meant to do it. He has said things that he knew hurt me and refused to apologize, or even legitimize my feelings. I have the right to reject relationships that make me feel unsafe. No one has a right to my body and heart. That is a privilege I can choose to give only to those who cherish it, and I have to remember that.
My best friend talked with her boyfriend, and he is more than happy to be there to ensure that I am protected if the shit really hits the fan. He can't stand to see women being mistreated. He is going to be here on Friday, so that's the big day.
Once again, thanks guys. I am so grateful to have a supportive network of friends, both online and in person.

[lightdragon]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

pretty much what Rae'ya,Gabrielwithoutwings and Medusa said.

[neráida]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

I think that everyone here has given really good advice. Unfortunately, this is one of those situations that too many women have gone through. I am thankful that you saw through him before you were in too far and hurt physically and damaged emotionally. I will send you my good wishes that this goes safely and ends swiftly with minimal problems!

[Rae'ya]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

You're absolutely right, ThorsSon and Medusa. I'm doing what I have every right in the world to do, and what I have to do in order to maintain my well being. What happened wasn't my fault, it was his, and I'm not responsible for his issues. He has treated me in ways that were unacceptable and put me in some dangerous positions. He has intimidated me repeatedly, and he meant to do it. He has said things that he knew hurt me and refused to apologize, or even legitimize my feelings. I have the right to reject relationships that make me feel unsafe. No one has a right to my body and heart. That is a privilege I can choose to give only to those who cherish it, and I have to remember that.
My best friend talked with her boyfriend, and he is more than happy to be there to ensure that I am protected if the shit really hits the fan. He can't stand to see women being mistreated. He is going to be here on Friday, so that's the big day.
Once again, thanks guys. I am so grateful to have a supportive network of friends, both online and in person.

I am so proud of you.

And hon, could you please check in with us on Friday once it's done? Just so that we know that you're okay and it all went well. I'm sure I wouldn't be the only one stressing if we didn't hear from you for a week afterwards!

[MoonRaven]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

I haven't said anything here because by the time I saw the thread everything I wanted to say had already been covered by other people. So: "What they said."
Plus I'd like to second what Rae'ya said, check in with us on Friday if you at all can. Or I will be worrying along with Rae'ya.

*hugs* and all my best wishes.

[DanieMarie]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

I'll third that. Let us know how it goes

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

I will definitely pop in to let you all know how things went For the tenth time, thank you all. Your care really means a lot.

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

Well, I did it. I had to do it over the phone because he told me that his roommate was going to have the car for the weekend. I called him and told him that he scared me and I couldn't be in a relationship where I felt threatened.
His reaction was very confusing for me and made me feel like I've been overreacting. He told me that he was only joking. He pointed out that our first conversation had a lot of dark humor in it. And it did. I love dark humor. But, I don't love threatening humor. He told me that if I was really afraid of him, I wouldn't have been going to his house all of the time. But I grew up in a home where anger and fear was normal. I have a hard time admitting when I am afraid of someone and setting proper bouandaries around them.
Besides that, there were times when his "jokes" put me in real danger. At one point he was pushing me down a dark hallway screaming, "get out of my house you slut!" There were two stairs, and I was afraid to go down them because it was dark, but he kept pushing me anyway. I began crying and asked him what the hell he was doing, at which point he stopped and apologized tenderly. But the thing is, he could have hurt me. I could have slipped down the steps and hit my head on something. It's not very funny to forcefully, violently lay your hands on your girlfriend in ANY context.
Another time he took a box cutting razor out while I was sitting in a chair by the wall. He pinned the chair against the wall and put the razor to the soft part of my wrist. I was frightened and started trying to push his hand away, asking him what he was doing. He told me that we were going to die together. He then waved it around my face saying that he was going to cut my lips off. The razor was closed, but I couldn't see that. I may have been nervously laughing, I don't know. I do know that I was scared. He kept rocking the chair violently and waving the closed razor around. Then he pulled it out and slashed the dull end of it across the soft underbelly of my arm. He could have easily slipped. He assured me he was only kidding, but the incident still troubled me.
Maybe I should have said something, but I can't help but think that a boyfriend would never "joke" that dangerously with his girlfriend in a healthy relationship, no matter how dark their shared sense of humor may be.
And there's his anger issues. I've seen him snap and punch a hole in a door. Flip a table over right next to me. When I brought up the fact that he once told me he wasn't sure if he could control himself around me and that he might wind up doing something to hurt me, he replied by telling me that anyone who promised otherwise would be lying. I know that's not true. Normal people can control their anger enough that they could promise someone they loved they would never physically harm them. I have to remember that.
I am upset, and he made me feel as though I was being unreasonable in my precautions, that this was my fault for not talking to him about it sooner, but deep down I know that's not true. It's just so hard to believe right now. Regardless, I did make the right decision. The pain will pass. There's therapy and meditation to aid in my confused thoughts and feelings. There's good friends to cheer me up and make sure I'm safe. However, there is never any coming back from having your back broken because someone flipped a table onto you. There is no coming back from bleeding to death from a razor wound. I made the right decision, no matter what he says.

[Malflick]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

Well, I did it. I had to do it over the phone because he told me that his roommate was going to have the car for the weekend. I called him and told him that he scared me and I couldn't be in a relationship where I felt threatened.
His reaction was very confusing for me and made me feel like I've been overreacting. He told me that he was only joking. He pointed out that our first conversation had a lot of dark humor in it. And it did. I love dark humor. But, I don't love threatening humor. He told me that if I was really afraid of him, I wouldn't have been going to his house all of the time. But I grew up in a home where anger and fear was normal. I have a hard time admitting when I am afraid of someone and setting proper bouandaries around them.
Besides that, there were times when his "jokes" put me in real danger. At one point he was pushing me down a dark hallway screaming, "get out of my house you slut!" There were two stairs, and I was afraid to go down them because it was dark, but he kept pushing me anyway. I began crying and asked him what the hell he was doing, at which point he stopped and apologized tenderly. But the thing is, he could have hurt me. I could have slipped down the steps and hit my head on something. It's not very funny to forcefully, violently lay your hands on your girlfriend in ANY context.
Another time he took a box cutting razor out while I was sitting in a chair by the wall. He pinned the chair against the wall and put the razor to the soft part of my wrist. I was frightened and started trying to push his hand away, asking him what he was doing. He told me that we were going to die together. He then waved it around my face saying that he was going to cut my lips off. The razor was closed, but I couldn't see that. I may have been nervously laughing, I don't know. I do know that I was scared. He kept rocking the chair violently and waving the closed razor around. Then he pulled it out and slashed the dull end of it across the soft underbelly of my arm. He could have easily slipped. He assured me he was only kidding, but the incident still troubled me.
Maybe I should have said something, but I can't help but think that a boyfriend would never "joke" that dangerously with his girlfriend in a healthy relationship, no matter how dark their shared sense of humor may be.
And there's his anger issues. I've seen him snap and punch a hole in a door. Flip a table over right next to me. When I brought up the fact that he once told me he wasn't sure if he could control himself around me and that he might wind up doing something to hurt me, he replied by telling me that anyone who promised otherwise would be lying. I know that's not true. Normal people can control their anger enough that they could promise someone they loved they would never physically harm someone. I have to remember that.
I am upset, and he made me feel as though I was being unreasonable in my precautions, that this was my fault for not talking to him about it sooner, but deep down I know that's not true. It's just so hard to believe right now. Regardless, I did make the right decision. The pain will pass. There's therapy and meditation to aid in my confused thoughts and feelings. There's good friends to cheer me up and make sure I'm safe. However, there is never any coming back from having your back broken because someone flipped a table onto you. There is no coming back from bleeding to death from a razor wound. I made the right decision, no matter what he says.

I don't like to talk about this, but I was in an abusive situation once. And making you feel like your feelings aren't valid, like you're over reacting when they do horrid things to you, its a real and potent tactic in their arsenal against you....

Everything you just wrote screams abuser. And him trying to push you into doubt is to. Its like a dog that bites another dog and then licks the other dog afterwards-- it confuses you. He is an asshole, and those "jokes" are power games, meant to put you in a place submissive to him.

I'm glad you broke it off. You needed to get out, asap. And I'm really glad you did. Stay far away, and don't listen to his lies about it being "just a joke."

Take care.... Bless ya.....