Guys, I have a serious problem....

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

I don't like to talk about this, but I was in an abusive situation once. And making you feel like your feelings aren't valid, like you're over reacting when they do horrid things to you, its a real and potent tactic in their arsenal against you....

Everything you just wrote screams abuser. And him trying to push you into doubt is to. Its like a dog that bites another dog and then licks the other dog afterwards-- it confuses you. He is an asshole, and those "jokes" are power games, meant to put you in a place submissive to him.

I'm glad you broke it off. You needed to get out, asap. And I'm really glad you did. Stay far away, and don't listen to his lies about it being "just a joke."

Take care.... Bless ya.....

Thank you so much, Malflick. It was brave of your to talk about your own experience like that. I'm going to go over to my best friends house for a while. Just wanted to let everyone know how things went and that I'm okay.
Take care, all.

[anunitu]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

Just one act as you described makes it quite clear that you were wise to end this relationship.
That and his attempt to put the blame for these things on you.
Be strong and do not allow him to cause you doubt that your decision was the right thing to do.

[Hawkfeathers]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

I just now saw this thread. Very glad you saw what was happening and pulled the plug!!! I've been with narcissists and gaslighters before and it's no joke. Like Medusa said, they go after the weak, but sometimes they make the fatal error of mistaking openness/kindness/loving nature for weakness, and they get backed into a corner when they realize they aren't going to break you down. Good for you!

[Willow]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

I don't like to talk about this, but I was in an abusive situation once. And making you feel like your feelings aren't valid, like you're over reacting when they do horrid things to you, its a real and potent tactic in their arsenal against you....

Everything you just wrote screams abuser. And him trying to push you into doubt is to. Its like a dog that bites another dog and then licks the other dog afterwards-- it confuses you. He is an asshole, and those "jokes" are power games, meant to put you in a place submissive to him.

I'm glad you broke it off. You needed to get out, asap. And I'm really glad you did. Stay far away, and don't listen to his lies about it being "just a joke."

Take care.... Bless ya.....

Seconding this. Narcissists and manipulators (often come together anyway) are notorious for those behaviors. They press your boundaries, insist it's all in your head and that you're misinterpreting or misremembering, and then repeat the behavior once they know you won't leave. I've actually been on the receiving end of conversations with people who discuss prior relationships and incidents within those relationships and one of the predominating factors is that they tend to feel physically and mentally ill (nauseous, achey, headaches, and anxiety) around those individuals--even if they can't outright identify any abusive behavior; and that in hindsight they still have no idea what was really going on because of the other person's disjointedness between behavior, situation and what they were saying.

Basically, they do something that makes absolutely no sense when coupled with what they say or the situation they're in. All I can really say on it is that thought processes, interpretations, and motivations vary wildly from person to person and sometimes it has collateral damage to others. It's a touchy topic and it's something that many people spend years sorting through, but I'm glad you were able to notice the red flags early on and have the strength to do what needed to be done. Kudos!

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

I think you guys are right. He is probably very manipulative and knew damn well what he was doing while we were dating. I'm going to stay single and sort myself out for a while again. I obviously still have work to do because I was drawn into the exact same kind of relationship again.
Hawkfeathers, that's a good point. I am a very sensitive, compassionate person, and sometimes that gets mistaken for weakness. Unfortunately for his abusive tendencies, when real compassion kicks in, it includes the self, and it does not enable abusive behavior.
No matter what, I'm not going back to him. I'm too strong for that

[Gleb]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

Don't forget to tell us about it by the end of tomorrow, so we will know you're alright.

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

Dunno if you read that post, Gleb, but I already broke up with him over the phone.
I'm a little scared right now, though. As I mentioned earlier, I left my pillow at his house. Earlier tonight, I found it in the hallway. I was freaked out and asked my brother if he knew anything about how it got here. He told me that our Mom found it leaning against the garage when she got home.
My ex never asked if he could come over to drop my stuff off. I really hope I'm overreacting, but I am very nervous right now.

[Gleb]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

Oh... Well, it's good to hear that it ended without any problems. It's ok to be nervous now. As the time goes, the bad feelings about it will hopefully vanish.

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

Thanks, Gleb I think things will be fine. The pillow incident isn't inherently threatening, I might just be reading into it too much. I bet he and his roomie happened to be in town and he stopped by to drop it off. I live right next to the local downtown area. It's not like he left it in the house or anything.
I guess it was kind of a waste to by a new one, haha. Oh well, at least I've got a nice new pillow.
I don't think I should be too worked up over it. It's just unsettling considering the circumstances. But I am going to let everyone in my house know that they should not let him in if he comes by, and to make certain to lock the door. If he stops by AGAIN, then I'll take steps to file a restraining order, and probably invest in something along the lines of pepper spray.

[DanieMarie]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

Well, I did it. I had to do it over the phone because he told me that his roommate was going to have the car for the weekend. I called him and told him that he scared me and I couldn't be in a relationship where I felt threatened.
His reaction was very confusing for me and made me feel like I've been overreacting. He told me that he was only joking. He pointed out that our first conversation had a lot of dark humor in it. And it did. I love dark humor. But, I don't love threatening humor. He told me that if I was really afraid of him, I wouldn't have been going to his house all of the time. But I grew up in a home where anger and fear was normal. I have a hard time admitting when I am afraid of someone and setting proper bouandaries around them.
Besides that, there were times when his "jokes" put me in real danger. At one point he was pushing me down a dark hallway screaming, "get out of my house you slut!" There were two stairs, and I was afraid to go down them because it was dark, but he kept pushing me anyway. I began crying and asked him what the hell he was doing, at which point he stopped and apologized tenderly. But the thing is, he could have hurt me. I could have slipped down the steps and hit my head on something. It's not very funny to forcefully, violently lay your hands on your girlfriend in ANY context.
Another time he took a box cutting razor out while I was sitting in a chair by the wall. He pinned the chair against the wall and put the razor to the soft part of my wrist. I was frightened and started trying to push his hand away, asking him what he was doing. He told me that we were going to die together. He then waved it around my face saying that he was going to cut my lips off. The razor was closed, but I couldn't see that. I may have been nervously laughing, I don't know. I do know that I was scared. He kept rocking the chair violently and waving the closed razor around. Then he pulled it out and slashed the dull end of it across the soft underbelly of my arm. He could have easily slipped. He assured me he was only kidding, but the incident still troubled me.
Maybe I should have said something, but I can't help but think that a boyfriend would never "joke" that dangerously with his girlfriend in a healthy relationship, no matter how dark their shared sense of humor may be.
And there's his anger issues. I've seen him snap and punch a hole in a door. Flip a table over right next to me. When I brought up the fact that he once told me he wasn't sure if he could control himself around me and that he might wind up doing something to hurt me, he replied by telling me that anyone who promised otherwise would be lying. I know that's not true. Normal people can control their anger enough that they could promise someone they loved they would never physically harm them. I have to remember that.
I am upset, and he made me feel as though I was being unreasonable in my precautions, that this was my fault for not talking to him about it sooner, but deep down I know that's not true. It's just so hard to believe right now. Regardless, I did make the right decision. The pain will pass. There's therapy and meditation to aid in my confused thoughts and feelings. There's good friends to cheer me up and make sure I'm safe. However, there is never any coming back from having your back broken because someone flipped a table onto you. There is no coming back from bleeding to death from a razor wound. I made the right decision, no matter what he says.

You made the right decision, and I urge you to keep up your courage and stick to it. NONE of that is normal, even for someone with a dark sense of humour. A dark sense of humour is liking "League of Gentlemen." Everything he did is threatening and abusive. There's nothing funny about it and despite what he says, he's not joking.

And you're right...people CAN control their anger and do so all the time. My BF and I get really angry sometimes and get in yucky, screaming fights. BUT, no matter how mad we get, neither of us says anything hurtful to the other and neither of us damages anything or hurts each other physically. We take our time, go to our corners to cool off, and apologize and talk about our feelings like adults. That's what normal people do when they get mad.

[GabrielWithoutWings]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

As I suspected, he's a shit bag and one of the worst breeds. He's likely insecure on the inside so he attempts to dominate and lord his power over those weaker than him. "Behold, female. Were I to get a peculiar notion, I could likely rip your arms off. But I, in my great mercy, deem you worthy to keep whole... for now." His jokes are simply testing the boundaries and fraying your edges. It wouldn't have been long before he'd be pointing guns at you and locking you in bathrooms.

Civilian pepper spray is useless. Invest in a firearm. Glock has a great .380 model that just came out that's perfect for women. Go the range and learn how to use it properly. And don't ever keep your weapon in your purse or backpack. Purses and backpacks can be taken away from you, easily.

Keep your eyes peeled for anything out of the ordinary. If he returned the pillow and that's that, then excellent. However, if you start seeing other small things, like notes left on windshields, or calls from male friends that don't exist, or the feeling you're being followed, you need to start keeping a log of when this happens. Let the police know, and they can begin a stalking investigation if need be.

And for the love of God, don't believe him when he says he's sorry and remorseful and suddenly reasonable. He's not. He's attempting to push your boundaries further by gas lighting and making you doubt yourself. Don't fall for it. Lots of women do.

[thalassa]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

My husband has never, ever touched the kids or myself in anger. Heck, in 10 years together, I can still count the number of "fights" (verbal) we've had on one hand...not to say that we don't disagree, but we do it civilly with discussion. He has a dark sense of humor...we both do, but his is more morose than mine. He's never threatened to harm either of us. He has punched a wall though, once, rather than punching a person (usually he goes for a run if he gets mad)...even normal people loose their temper (My dream is to own a concrete pit and a trunk full of thrift store dishes--seems like a great way of making mosaic pieces). Getting mad is normal, but purposefully endangering someone you profess to love for fun, for humor, is not.

Good riddance to bad rubbish!

[MoonRaven]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

Once again I am a Johnny-come-lately to this so I can only repeat: "What everyone else already said."

Thank you for letting us know that things went well and that you're alright.

[ChainLightning]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

I'm really glad that part's overwith. IMO, that was the hard part.



And you damn betcha, you got support, around here. I'm glad to see such a rally of support. What an awesome family!

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

You guys are some very special, good folks, really. This outpouring of support means to much to me at a time like this. I am so grateful for the PF family

I will definitely look into that, Gabriel. I think it will be a while before I feel completely at ease again.