Hiding In Plain Sight

[Spiny Norman]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I usually adapt to people's personality. I think that's the right way to say it. I show them traits that I want them to see.

I do that too, particularly with people I don't know all that well. I think it's pretty common isn't it?

[thalassa]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I do that too, particularly with people I don't know all that well. I think it's pretty common isn't it?

Its incredibly normal...almosy everyone does it to some degree or another, its a subconscious thing. Have you heard of code switching?

[Spiny Norman]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Its incredibly normal...almosy everyone does it to some degree or another, its a subconscious thing. Have you heard of code switching?

I've noticed that if I'm on holiday in a different part of the country I take on the local accent very quickly, it's a "blending in" thing I suppose. It also happens if I spend time with someone who has a strong accent, to the point where they can think I'm making fun of them!

Anyway, I don't see personality as something fixed, more like a set of tendencies which can develop over time.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I do that too, particularly with people I don't know all that well. I think it's pretty common isn't it?

Is it? I wouldn't know. I use it regularly and more importantly to get what I want, so not too sure.

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I've noticed that if I'm on holiday in a different part of the country I take on the local accent very quickly, it's a "blending in" thing I suppose. It also happens if I spend time with someone who has a strong accent, to the point where they can think I'm making fun of them!

Anyway, I don't see personality as something fixed, more like a set of tendencies which can develop over time.

Yeah, sure. Maladaptive behaviors is when it crosses the threshold, though. For example: When I was younger I stole a lot of money from my Kin. Did I feel guilty? No, I don't experience that emotion. I did get punished, got my ass beat, lol. Then I kept on stealing. Or lying or manipulating. If I get caught lying and I'm punished or get called out on it, or it really messed up something in my life and I should have learned my lesson, I don't and won't. Hopefully you can understand where I'm getting at.

[Juniper]

It is a thing and it's called The Chameleon Effect.

The chameleon effect refers to nonconscious mimicry of the postures, mannerisms, facial expressions, and other behaviors of one's interaction partners, such that one's behavior passively and unintentionally changes to match that of others in one's current social environment. The authors suggest that the mechanism involved is the perception-behavior link, the recently documented finding (e.g., J. A. Bargh, M. Chen, & L. Burrows, 1996) that the mere perception of another's behavior automatically increases the likelihood of engaging in that behavior oneself. Experiment 1 showed that the motor behavior of participants unintentionally matched that of strangers with whom they worked on a task. Experiment 2 had confederates mimic the posture and movements of participants and showed that mimicry facilitates the smoothness of interactions and increases liking between interaction partners. Experiment 3 showed that dispositionally empathic individuals exhibit the chameleon effect to a greater extent than do other people.

PMID:*10402679*[PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]

Source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10402679

I've only done 2 minutes of research on Google but I'm sure you can find more quote easily. It's not uncommon.
Of course this only addresses the mimicking aspect. The refusal to learn ones lessons stems from something else... I'm not a psychologist so I'm not going to comment further but I would recommend talking to someone like a counselor, or psychologist.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

It is a thing and it's called The Chameleon Effect.



Source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10402679

I've only done 2 minutes of research on Google but I'm sure you can find more quote easily. It's not uncommon.
Of course this only addresses the mimicking aspect. The refusal to learn ones lessons stems from something else... I'm not a psychologist so I'm not going to comment further but I would recommend talking to someone like a counselor, or psychologist.

I don't really do any of that anymore. Manipulation is one thing, though. Contrary to fun belief, we're not all out to manipulate and be "evil". That's weird to me. I think they're perspective based.

Edit: I'm not saying you said any of that. And thanks for the link.

[anunitu]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Having grown up in the inner city,I have a way of speaking I only use when I am in an inner city neighborhood. Street speak is a way of defining yourself as being a "Homi" and also project you are not to be messed with. It is how one establishes that you are not an outsider and also some phrases project you came up "Hard" and serve as a warning to others not to testing aggression,because it will not end well.

Outside where I grew up,I am polite and seem normal in speaking.
Just a thing,and as soon as I am in the inner city my posture and gait change also,the old street self comes to the fore,and I walk and talk like I own the street.

If that is what you mean by chameleon effect or the other one Thal mentioned.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I didn't mention it. I just said that I show them traits that I want to see. I'm pretty much indifferent to almost everything. So not having the same emotional range as a "normal" person is going to be used as an advantage to show them what I want them to see. My own feelings and beliefs aren't going to create issues like it could for another person.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Writing in this thread from time to time makes me calm but also makes me wonder about the way I'm speaking to the members of this forum.

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I'm bored. As hell. Gotta love those low arousal thresholds. Makes everything very boring. Talking to my weird teacher was a fun thing to me, a game. She's like a level to my game is what it is. Every once in awhile I'll find someone who completely catches my interest. Most social interactions are a game. I never just do anything for the sake of being nice. Good and evil are all perspective based. I'm just spouting my thoughts but getting tired with people trying to normalize my behavior. I shouldn't have to go see someone on my own because my parents don't think there's a possibility that there's anything wrong with their children. Even though it's clear my sister needs mental help more than me. Relationships are so weird, dating someone like me is pretty much destructive. I'm just rambling, now.

[thalassa]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

If you are bored, find something to do. Find lots of things to do. Right now, you are on the downswing of your brains reorganization and development of neural connections....in your early 20s is when the major work tops out. You have a chance to train your brain now, that you will never get agan. Personality disorders don't have to be a problem...I have 2 kids with the genetic cocktail and environmental exposures for ADHD and OCD, but only one of them hits enough behavioral markers for a clinical diagnosis. With early treatment and cbt, he has a good shot at learning to manage the symptoms, even if the tendency will always be there and always be a challenge.

You are really young to be embracing a label as defining who you are. Maybe that isn't what you are trying to do, but it sure sounds like it to me... Fairly or unfairly, the world does not deal kindly on people using their labels as their excuse for their actions.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

OH. I'm not using it as an excuse. I know everything I do and every action I commit is my fault and my responsibility. I'm well aware of that. I don't need a label to take away the responsibility for the stuff I do. The majority of the stuff I do I know whether or not I'm going to get in trouble and if it's worth it. I feel like I should be able to talk about my problems. Sure. A personality disorder can be a problem. Or not. But usually is. I talk about it online because I have no one to talk to offline(is that a thing?think so.)
So me jotting down my thoughts shouldn't be a problem. I mean, I'm not hurting anyone am I?
I do find lots of things to do. I read, write, watch videos, watch dancing, go out, it's the fact that nothing ever holds my interest like it used to anymore, so I'm getting bored.

[thalassa]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

So me jotting down my thoughts shouldn't be a problem. I mean, I'm not hurting anyone am I?

Nope. Writing out problems, fantasies, etc (no matter what one's issue is) can be cathartic. But it can also be a way to wallow in it in a way that is unhealthy. Where that line is varies from person to person.

I do find lots of things to do. I read, write, watch videos, watch dancing, go out, it's the fact that nothing ever holds my interest like it used to anymore, so I'm getting bored.

That's part of life. Things (and people) that were great fun to me in my teens were tedious by my 20s, things that were interesting in my 20s are boring in my 30s. There are a few things that have retained my interest and curiosity consistently, but not many...and mostly they don't involve people. One of the best life skills one can have is "fake it 'til you make it"...though in reality, sometimes its just fake it and keep faking it...

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Nope. Writing out problems, fantasies, etc (no matter what one's issue is) can be cathartic. But it can also be a way to wallow in it in a way that is unhealthy. Where that line is varies from person to person.



That's part of life. Things (and people) that were great fun to me in my teens were tedious by my 20s, things that were interesting in my 20s are boring in my 30s. There are a few things that have retained my interest and curiosity consistently, but not many...and mostly they don't involve people. One of the best life skills one can have is "fake it 'til you make it"...though in reality, sometimes its just fake it and keep faking it...

What at in reality is fake it and keep faking it for you?

[thalassa]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Sorry, I last saw this on my phone and didn't want to try to peck out an answer there...

What at in reality is fake it and keep faking it for you?

Almost every day I have to tell myself that I am a grown up. Because I don't feel like I thought being an adult would. Almost every morning M-F, and sometimes twice, I have to remind myself that I am good at my job...because I don't feel like I know what I'm doing (I do) yet (and I'll still feel this way in 10 years). When I am angry, I have to tell myself that it is okay (even preferable) to express anger. When I am sad, I have to tell myself that it is okay (and even preferable) to express sadness. I have to give myself permission to dislike things.

Every day, I struggle with feeling inadequate, because that is what I was raised to think of myself as. Every day, I struggle with the act of feeling how I feel, because I was raised in an environment where being too loud, too angry, too sad, too happy, too smart, too much anything meant drawing too much attention to myself. Never express displeasure, never express anger, never be mean or ugly, never be lazy or tired or sick. Always be perfect, always...even if perfect is impossible. Never be too right, never be too smart, never be smarter than him. Because he is always there, like a ticking bomb in the back of my consciousness. And it doesn't matter that he's stopped drinking, or that he's actually changed, or that he's apologized and been making amends for years now... The other him--the mean drunk of my cookie cutter middle-class suburban upbringing is always there in my head insisting that I should have gotten an A instead of a B one minute, and the next--oh, don't I think I'm something special for getting that A when I'm really just a fat, lazy, stupid girl.

The reality is that I am the most normal screwed up person you will ever meet. Everyone that looks normal is the most normal screwed up person you will ever meet. I had a roommate in college that slept on the ground in our room, under the bed, with a fortress of *stuff* hiding her. Because they hadn't found her under the bed. She was a straight-A student headed to medical school that had been smuggled from Afghanistan in 1996 with her mother and brother, and the Taliban hadn't found them hiding under the bed. Not everyone's trauma is as dramatic or obvious as hers. But there isn't anyone that escapes from life without invisible scars that can break open at any moment.

The difference between having something wrong with me and having something clinically wrong with me is whether or not I have the capacity to act "normal". Just because my default setting was programmed to *whatever the heck the DSM-V would label me as*, doesn't mean I have to *be* that way. I don't have to be driven by my impulses, or by my conditioning--I can change those things by doing them. By forging new neruopathways to override my original conditioning, by making new muscle memory, by being aware of the problem but not giving in to it.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Sorry, I last saw this on my phone and didn't want to try to peck out an answer there...



Almost every day I have to tell myself that I am a grown up. Because I don't feel like I thought being an adult would. Almost every morning M-F, and sometimes twice, I have to remind myself that I am good at my job...because I don't feel like I know what I'm doing (I do) yet (and I'll still feel this way in 10 years). When I am angry, I have to tell myself that it is okay (even preferable) to express anger. When I am sad, I have to tell myself that it is okay (and even preferable) to express sadness. I have to give myself permission to dislike things.

Every day, I struggle with feeling inadequate, because that is what I was raised to think of myself as. Every day, I struggle with the act of feeling how I feel, because I was raised in an environment where being too loud, too angry, too sad, too happy, too smart, too much anything meant drawing too much attention to myself. Never express displeasure, never express anger, never be mean or ugly, never be lazy or tired or sick. Always be perfect, always...even if perfect is impossible. Never be too right, never be too smart, never be smarter than him. Because he is always there, like a ticking bomb in the back of my consciousness. And it doesn't matter that he's stopped drinking, or that he's actually changed, or that he's apologized and been making amends for years now... The other him--the mean drunk of my cookie cutter middle-class suburban upbringing is always there in my head insisting that I should have gotten an A instead of a B one minute, and the next--oh, don't I think I'm something special for getting that A when I'm really just a fat, lazy, stupid girl.

The reality is that I am the most normal screwed up person you will ever meet. Everyone that looks normal is the most normal screwed up person you will ever meet. I had a roommate in college that slept on the ground in our room, under the bed, with a fortress of *stuff* hiding her. Because they hadn't found her under the bed. She was a straight-A student headed to medical school that had been smuggled from Afghanistan in 1996 with her mother and brother, and the Taliban hadn't found them hiding under the bed. Not everyone's trauma is as dramatic or obvious as hers. But there isn't anyone that escapes from life without invisible scars that can break open at any moment.

The difference between having something wrong with me and having something clinically wrong with me is whether or not I have the capacity to act "normal". Just because my default setting was programmed to *whatever the heck the DSM-V would label me as*, doesn't mean I have to *be* that way. I don't have to be driven by my impulses, or by my conditioning--I can change those things by doing them. By forging new neruopathways to override my original conditioning, by making new muscle memory, by being aware of the problem but not giving in to it.

That's deep, Thalassa. I'd say you don't seem inadequate to me, but how I feel doesn't matter. And don't worry about it. Tried to type something meaningful but it's past 6, I haven't slept and my head is kind of foggy. Thanks for replying to this thread.
edit: I think I spelled your name right, correct me if I'm wrong.