having kids and age

[Amber]

Re: having kids and age

Is it abnormal to have kids mid-20's though? I mean, here it totally is. Most people don't even marry until after 30. But back home, a lot of people I know had kids about 24-27 (and I guess still going! A whole batch seem to be pregnant right now....some first and some second pregnancies).

Nah, not here. The normal age is 20 something still but more and more people are waiting untill they are out of school and or have established careers first

[DanieMarie]

Re: having kids and age

Around here, it seems more people wait until their 30's--but I'm in the 'burbs...when I lived in Norfolk, perhaps because of the military population--which tends to be young but fairly well employed, the 20's is normal. I sort of wonder how much it has to due with education and getting to the point where one is established. If you go to college, it takes longer to get established and meet someone and get married and start a family, but if you get a job right away, or only go to a junior college, you are established that much sooner... I think also, in the military community, there is a sort of psychological reasoning for it as well--the need to start something permanent to come back to after deployment and to take with you from duty station to duty station.

Makes sense, and that also fits with the people I know back home. All the university people and people who did a year or two abroad or something are just sort of starting to settle down now at 27. But people who stayed in my hometown and worked, or did shorter programs at community college did it earlier.

[ThatKrazy]

Re: having kids and age

This answer has been changing a lot in recent years. Biologically, you have to recognize that before a certain age, it is very dangerous to put the body through the process of childbirth. I couldn't recommend trying before 18. My grandma had my mom at 19, but that was normal for her time. My mom started trying to have a child at 21, but I didn't show up until she was 30. That was probably for the best, though, since she finished her dissertation before I was born (she was actually working on it through the entire pregnancy - probably one of the reasons I have GAD now). Realistically, a woman would be better off waiting until after achieving the highest degree she wants before having a child, because once you have a child, it will become much harder. That isn't always the case, though, as I have several friends with young children right now, and they are still pursuing bachelor's degrees. It is also better for a couple to wait until they are financially stable enough to provide for a child, but again isn't always the case. I would like to wait until I'm 25 to start having children - that gives me enough time to get a master's degree and hopefully be in a financially and emotionally stable marriage (life goals that might or might not be reached). I would like to either have enough money to support myself and a baby for 6 months without working full time (unlikely) or to have someone to provide for me for six months so that I could be present all the time for a baby. If a woman only wants a bachelor's degree (or no degree) and marries someone already financially stable, then it is equally beneficial to have a baby earlier than that.
More and more women are waiting until later in their careers to have children, rightfully believing that having kids will get in the way of progressing up the career ladder. However, this can push women to have babies too late in their lives, and open themselves and their babies to other health risks. The incidence of genetic disorders, particularly down syndrome, goes up a lot after a woman gets into her late 30s and early 40s (by age 45, ~3.5% of live births will have down syndrome). This also means a higher risk of miscarriage as well as decreased fertility. Because of the decreased fertility with age, as well as the current trend in trying to have children later, more older women are pursuing IVFs. Doctors will IVF someone with age-related fertility problems to a point. I believe after the age of 50 or so, doctors stop IVFing women (or they are supposed to and can have their licenses revoked).
I really don't see myself being up for raising a child with down syndrome, so I would personally not want to have a child after the age of 30 (the risk then is still small, <0.2% of live births, but goes up every year). My ideal is 25-28, a small window of time.
With regards to being able to keep up with your kids after a certain age, I don't think that's a concern. My mom is just as active as I am (and I am quite active), and she's 51. When it comes to mountain hiking, it's me, the fit 21-year-old, who has to try to keep up with her. I know this is just a sample of one, but personal experience has told me that that isn't an issue. What is an issue is being so old that you are dying or needing to be taken care of before your kids are ready.
All the prior complications have applied mainly to women, since they do bear the grunt of being pregnant and then breastfeeding afterward. This last issue applies to both men and women. Neither ought to be having children after 50, because when your child is going off to school and could really use your support, you will be getting to the point of age-related serious illnesses and possibly death. You do not want to be a burden on your child while he or she is trying to get settled in life. You might even want to be around to be a grandparent and help with caregiving responsibilities.

[Celest]

Re: having kids and age

We have babies early in my family; my grandmother was 18 when she had my mom, my mom was 19 when i was born.
I 'waited' until 22 to have my first, and had all 3 of mine in the next 5 years.
I am glad I had them young, yes, the money was tight at times (still is ), but I feel I have time now to enjoy my time with my husband, travel, etc. while we are still young(ish).

I would not be happy if I became pregnant at this age! (44) Not one bit!!

[thalassa]

Re: having kids and age

Realistically, a woman would be better off waiting until after achieving the highest degree she wants before having a child, because once you have a child, it will become much harder.

off topic, but...

I actually find this to *not* be true, as do most other of the adult students I go to school with--and I have the perspective of being both a traditional and non-traditional student. Sure, we have to juggle more...but we also (for the most part) *want* it more, and are (for the most part) better at focusing on something other than (and I quote from an actual conversation I overheard in class) "So, I totally think I'm skipping my 8 o'clock tomorrow and calling in sick to work tonite to go to the party on <enter street name>, because <enter boy name> is going to be there, and I think I'll drink too much and let him have fun"

[DanieMarie]

Re: having kids and age

off topic, but...

I actually find this to *not* be true, as do most other of the adult students I go to school with--and I have the perspective of being both a traditional and non-traditional student. Sure, we have to juggle more...but we also (for the most part) *want* it more, and are (for the most part) better at focusing on something other than (and I quote from an actual conversation I overheard in class) "So, I totally think I'm skipping my 8 o'clock tomorrow and calling in sick to work tonite to go to the party on <enter street name>, because <enter boy name> is going to be there, and I think I'll drink too much and let him have fun"

Having been both a traditional (in class and 18-21 years old) and a non-traditional (distance ed) student I don't really miss a lot of that!
I have a couple of friends who were moms in university and it's a lot of work but definitely doable.

---------- Post added at 07:20 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:15 AM ----------

I don't think it's just careers that keep women from having children in their 20's either. I can tell you from experience that dating just isn't easy for some of us. Deep down, I wanted to be married at about 25, but it just didn't happen that way. Now I'm a little less concerned, but I'd still like to be married. Considering that I'm still single and 27 in a couple of months, I just don't think it's all that likely I'll be married before 30, so kids before 30 is also not happening. And yes, some people have kids when they're not married, but I can't be a single mom...I don't even have my family living close to me so I just have NO support.

[Crimson Horizons]

Re: having kids and age

Biologically speaking? Women have been giving birth to children while as young as fourteen for hundreds (if not thousands) of years. Now, why this is no longer socially acceptable is both beyond me and off topic. You are too old when you obviously no longer have the working plumbing to produce children.

Now, what do I think is reasonable? Honestly I think it depends solely on the people in question. My sister was 15 when she had my niece, and so far there haven't been any complications in any way (other than the father being a nithling that I will murder if I ever see him). Conversely, my mother had me when she was 20, my sister when she was 27 and my brother when she was 29, and she honestly wasn't ever truly prepared for them. If not for her children having amazing fathers, me and my siblings would have likely turned out very poorly.

[FantasyWitch]

Re: having kids and age

I do not want to even think about kids until my late twenties. I want a life and to experiance before I can be a good mother. So to young is anything up to 25 and to old is when you no longer can.

[ThatKrazy]

Re: having kids and age

Biologically speaking? Women have been giving birth to children while as young as fourteen for hundreds (if not thousands) of years. Now, why this is no longer socially acceptable is both beyond me and off topic.

Hon, it's really not healthy for kids to be having kids. Their bodies aren't fully formed and not ready for childbirth. Thank goodness your sister was lucky, but most kids aren't so lucky. It stunts the growth of the mother, and, because the birth canal isn't fully developed, more infants are born prematurely (which comes with a whole host of problems for mother and infant).

I forgot to also mention the psychological aspect of aging. Teens are not yet adults psychologically. We go through a selfish age of discovery in the late teens and early twenties, in which we are able to define ourselves and think more rationally about what we do and don't want out of life. Having a baby cuts off that stage of development. Teen moms don't have the time to just think about their needs because they are thinking about the needs of their child. Just like having a baby stops important teenage physical development, it also stops important psychological development.

[Gardenia]

Re: having kids and age

Biologically speaking? Women have been giving birth to children while as young as fourteen for hundreds (if not thousands) of years. Now, why this is no longer socially acceptable is both beyond me and off topic.

Actually, I don't think it's all that off topic.

Thousands, and even hundreds of years ago the general life expectancy was a lot shorter. You had to start having children earlier because you might not make it to 30 or 40. Also, consider the role of women - in many cases their only role hundreds of years ago was to have children and do the work around the house. Women also married much earlier, and it was expected that they start having kids asap. Women were treated much differently (and worse) even just 100 years ago.

None of this is the case in our society. A teenager is still in high school, a teenager is still living at home, not even ready to care for themselves in many cases. How many married teens do you know? How many teens enter into lasting relationships? (Nothing against single mothers, but that's hard as an adult, let alone as a teen - and very different from 100 to 1000 years ago where teens were married.) How many teens are financially secure, or have families that want/are able to take care of the children? Some do, but it's not the norm. There are also the health risks that we know about now.

Society changes as we learn more about our health and general well being, what was normal hundreds or thousands of years ago... well, it's not a surprise when that changes over time.
And just to be clear? I don't think we should treat pregnant teens with disgust or ship them off to some boarding home or whatever else. They should have the education and support they will need - but I also think there needs to be more sexual education out there in general to help prevent teen pregnancies. In this day and age, there's no reason for teen pregnancies to be an expected thing.

[DanieMarie]

Re: having kids and age

^^^^

Totally agree!

And regarding health risks, I think we can all agree that what was done in the past was often not always the healthiest. Look at blood letting. That was practiced for thousands of years, but it's more likely to kill you than help you.

[shadow1982]

Re: having kids and age

I am not sure I even want kids but even if I do decide to have them it won't be for a few years yet. I am 28 (soon to be 29) and, like Danie, am single. My sister is a single mother to two brilliant young lads but I wouldn't raise a child on my own by choice. I don't necessarily believe in marriage either but I would want to be in a stable, long-term relationship before I considered having a family with someone and, again like Danie, I would want to spend a few years just being part of a couple. It is going to be at least 5 years before I think about kids, possibly longer.

My parents married two months before my mum turned 18 and had my sister 9 months later, my dad was 20. My brother came along 5 years later, me two years after that and my youngest brother was born when my mum was 30, my dad 32. They have both said if they could go back and do it again they would have the same 4 kids but wait till they were older. They were still kids themselves, they struggled financially and, honestly, we did not have the nicest home life due to how stressed they were 90% of the time. On the other hand, their youngest child is now 23 and they are still only in their 50s. They both have jobs they love, they earn good money, they travel all the time and spend weekends away at different social events with friends.

Arguments could be made both for having kids younger and for waiting till you are older but personally I think it is down to the people involved. Having said that there was a man here in England who's 25 year old wife gave birth to his child last year, he was 79. It is likely this man will die before his son becomes a teenager and I think that is wrong and incredibly selfish. As far as women are concerned the answer seems to be straight forward, you are too old to have children once you are no longer biologically able. But if a man can still father children at 79, should he?

[OpenHands]

Re: having kids and age

[QUOTE=DanieMarie;41785]I'm curious..

when is too young to have kids, and when is too old?
QUOTE]

My knee-jerk reaction is to say I consider those under 18 and those who are still trying to graduate from high school too young. I think everybody deserves a chance to finish their childhood/teenagehood and get a basic diploma under their belt before taking on the huge commitment of raising another human being, but I also realize that the world isn't perfect and some young parents have done a spectacular job despite all of the challenges.

When is too old? Hm, that's harder. I'd give pause if a woman was trying to have a child at an age when she was putting her or her child's health at significant risk. I feel bad for kids with older fathers who place the burden of death or illness on them at an early age. Again though, I know that sometimes things happen and people do an amazing job with the situation they're handed so I don't have any concrete opinions.

My parents had us in the late twenties/early thirties, but I also have to credit many other factors to our happy childhoods. I'm turning 28 this June and if I wanted kids, I'd probably start having them now that I'm a little more mature, finished my education, and am in a stable life situation (married, employed, healthy). I don't want kids though and my hubby is creeping towards his late thirties with no interest in having kids past 40 so this is not a particularly pressing issue for us.

[B. de Corbin]

Re: having kids and age

Maybe, to sum all this up, the answer is -

It is now possible to make an informed decision as to when to have kids (or whether to have them at all). Any choice has both advantages and drawbacks - the key to an "informed decision" is knowing the advantages and drawbacks of each choice, then making the choice one is willing to live with...

[Gardenia]

Re: having kids and age

Maybe, to sum all this up, the answer is -

Well said.