having kids and age

[Leah]

Re: having kids and age

This is something that I've started to really think hard about lately. I'm 26 and about to enter my second year at college. Full time day job, full time night school. I won't graduate until I'm 29 (possibly 30) and then I have plans to go to law school. After that, I want to establish my career before I even think about kids.

However, I'm going into this with a unique perspective: I've never really wanted to be pregnant. I've also never really wanted a baby. I've always dreamt of adopting my children, older kids (youngest age maybe 5? Siblings is something I'm interested in, too). So... really, I could graduate from law school, get an awesome career, and adopt kids in my 40's. :-)

My live-in boyfriend wants babies, so that may end up being an issue some day. *sigh*

[ThatKrazy]

Re: having kids and age

However, I'm going into this with a unique perspective: I've never really wanted to be pregnant. I've also never really wanted a baby. I've always dreamt of adopting my children, older kids (youngest age maybe 5? Siblings is something I'm interested in, too). So... really, I could graduate from law school, get an awesome career, and adopt kids in my 40's. :-)

My live-in boyfriend wants babies, so that may end up being an issue some day. *sigh*

That sounds great - adopting definitely gets around the age-related genetic issues. And 40s means that you'd be in your 60s when your kids are going off to school and starting their own lives. So long as you're healthy, you will likely still be able to get around and take care of yourself then. As for your boyfriend wanting babies, you could adopt babies. Most of the people I know who were adopted were adopted as babies.

[DanieMarie]

Re: having kids and age

This is something that I've started to really think hard about lately. I'm 26 and about to enter my second year at college. Full time day job, full time night school. I won't graduate until I'm 29 (possibly 30) and then I have plans to go to law school. After that, I want to establish my career before I even think about kids.

However, I'm going into this with a unique perspective: I've never really wanted to be pregnant. I've also never really wanted a baby. I've always dreamt of adopting my children, older kids (youngest age maybe 5? Siblings is something I'm interested in, too). So... really, I could graduate from law school, get an awesome career, and adopt kids in my 40's. :-)

My live-in boyfriend wants babies, so that may end up being an issue some day. *sigh*

Yeah that sounds a lot like me. I think I'd like to adopt too, and maybe a slightly older child also (2 would be good for me). Like you, I don't care for babies. I'm finishing university next year, just shy of my 28th birthday, and I have to work for a few years for sure, but after that I might want to get an MBA (You have to work for a few years to apply for an MBA, but I'll just see how my career goes. sometimes if you're already a business major you don't need it). I think about it a lot lately though. I'm not really in a relationship now and it always seems to be such a big issue with guys (I swear, boys I know want babies more than girls I know).

[Leah]

Re: having kids and age

That sounds great - adopting definitely gets around the age-related genetic issues. And 40s means that you'd be in your 60s when your kids are going off to school and starting their own lives. So long as you're healthy, you will likely still be able to get around and take care of yourself then. As for your boyfriend wanting babies, you could adopt babies. Most of the people I know who were adopted were adopted as babies.

But I don't really want babies! LOL. I honestly think that the only reason that I would adopt a baby is because it's the sibling of the older child/ren that I adopt. :-) I love the idea of keeping all the siblings together if possible. It's also kind of neat to think that my future children may already have been born.

[ThatKrazy]

Re: having kids and age

I'm not really in a relationship now and it always seems to be such a big issue with guys (I swear, boys I know want babies more than girls I know).

Dang! I should move to Germany! Most of the guys I've dated have been terrified of children. Luckily I finally found one who loves kids, wants kids (eventually, once financially stable), and is the most adorably wonderful live-in uncle to his 5-month-old nephew. In my previous serious relationship, I mentioned, after we'd been dating for 6 months, that someday, in about 5 years, I'd want a kid. He freaked out, as if that were something completely inappropriate to talk about, as if I were suggesting we go in the next room and start trying to make a baby then and there. That was definitely one of the many nails in the coffin of our relationship. Sorry for the tangent.

But I don't really want babies! LOL. I honestly think that the only reason that I would adopt a baby is because it's the sibling of the older child/ren that I adopt. :-) I love the idea of keeping all the siblings together if possible. It's also kind of neat to think that my future children may already have been born.

Oh I see! That's definitely a great idea to keep siblings together. Would you go through an adoption agency directly or get foster kids and then adopt them? I know a young couple (actually they're my age, 21, which surprises me since I would not be up for parenting foster children at this age), and they're getting foster kids as a sort of "practice round" to see if they're up for the tasks of parenting.

[DanieMarie]

Re: having kids and age

Dang! I should move to Germany! Most of the guys I've dated have been terrified of children.

The flip side is, a lot of them care more about having kids than the relationship that will produce these children. One guy I know (actually American, not German) said "I really want kids...I don't care so much about the woman, but I just want kids." Ouch. I don't want to have kids like that. I'm on the fence about kids and I can take it or leave it, but the only way I could really even want them at all would be if I was married to someone and they were committed to me first. I feel like if they can't make a commitment to me, they probably can't really truly share parenting responsibilities with me either and respect me enough to give it 50-50.

[ThatKrazy]

Re: having kids and age

The flip side is, a lot of them care more about having kids than the relationship that will produce these children. One guy I know (actually American, not German) said "I really want kids...I don't care so much about the woman, but I just want kids." Ouch. I don't want to have kids like that. I'm on the fence about kids and I can take it or leave it, but the only way I could really even want them at all would be if I was married to someone and they were committed to me first. I feel like if they can't make a commitment to me, they probably can't really truly share parenting responsibilities with me either and respect me enough to give it 50-50.

Ew. I have to agree that that's a turn-off. I haven't really come across that, but then I've avoided dating the super rich, super religious, super everything-I-don't-like guys at my university, preferring to go off-campus for meaningful relationships. Current research into early human evolution suggests that parenting involved a lot more give-and-take and shared tasks between parents than was once thought (male hunter/provider, female gatherer/caregiver), especially in the savanna, where we evolved. Of course, whether that's a reflection of the current cultural trend toward more equal parenting roles could make that argument moot. However, to have equality in a relationship, there really ought to be something more than "oh, I guess I can stand living with you" there. Parenting puts huge strains on the relationship. If the bond is not strong enough, divorce is probably going to be a good option, despite the stress that puts on the children. That's just a recipe for disaster, wanting to have kids with someone you don't respect and care that much about. Single and divorced and separated parents can and do make it work, but no one can claim it's easy.

[DanieMarie]

Re: having kids and age

Yeah and especially to someone like me, for whom a relationship is more important than being a parent. I'm sure once I am a parent (IF I'm a parent) that will come first, but as for what I really want, I could take or leave having a kid but I don't want to take or leave having a partner in my life. And I couldn't imagine doing it alone, or even being in a relationship and taking the brunt of the responsibility. I've done a LOT of things on my own in my life, but I feel like that's the one thing that's just going too far and too overwhelming for me to not share halfway. And I don't want to just do guesswork and try to test it out....if I don't feel someone is committed to me, I don't feel they're enough of a partner to really raise a child with and I wont do it. Having a kid isn't like getting a cat....it's a lot more work and if you aren't strong enough to do it alone and you make some big mistakes it can actually be damaging.

I'd like to think though that somewhere out there, there's someone who will love me and want to -share- a life together.

[ThatKrazy]

Re: having kids and age

^^^ A big southern AMEN! to that!

[Juniper]

Re: having kids and age

*shrug* I think it depends on how mature and equipped to handle the "real world" the parents are. I know some 30 year olds that aren't ready for kids while some almost 18 year old is more than capable of providing a loving home for a child. But, I come from a family where having multiple kids at a fairly early age (read: late teens early twenties) is pretty common. Yet here I am, almost 27 and still child-less. And believe you me, not by choice. I always wanted to have at least one child before I was 25. Apparently the cosmos do not agree.