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What Not to Say to a Newbie

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    #31
    Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

    Keep Skittles with you 24/7. Death can be bribed with sufficient supplies of Skittles. Just make sure that you're carrying the classic versions...

    Anyone know where a fountain of eternal youth is?
    life itself was a lightsaber in his hands; even in the face of treachery and death and hopes gone cold, he burned like a candle in the darkness. Like a star shining in the black eternity of space.

    Yoda: Dark Rendezvous

    "But those men who know anything at all about the Light also know that there is a fierceness to its power, like the bare sword of the law, or the white burning of the sun." Suddenly his voice sounded to Will very strong, and very Welsh. "At the very heart, that is. Other things, like humanity, and mercy, and charity, that most good men hold more precious than all else, they do not come first for the Light. Oh, sometimes they are there; often, indeed. But in the very long run the concern of you people is with the absolute good, ahead of all else..."

    John Rowlands, The Grey King by Susan Cooper

    "You come from the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve", said Aslan. "And that is both honour enough to erect the head of the poorest beggar, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth; be content."

    Aslan, Prince Caspian by CS Lewis


    Comment

      #32
      Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

      Originally posted by MaskedOne View Post
      Anyone know where a fountain of eternal youth is?
      A) Yes, I even have a table-top version available for less than $200. I had to trek to Africa to get the stones and water, so its a very good price!

      Q) I tripped over a log the other day and landed in a pond of shallow water and was attacked by almost a swarm of mosquitoes, does that mean that I've offended the mosquito spirit?

      - - - Updated - - -

      P.S. I must be death proof then, I love classic skittles!
      http://catcrowsnow.blogspot.com/

      But they were doughnuts of darkness. Evil damned doughnuts, tainted by the spawn of darkness.... Which could obviously only be redeemed by passing through the fiery inferno of my digestive tract.
      ~Jim Butcher

      Comment

        #33
        Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

        Originally posted by Maria de Luna View Post
        Q) I tripped over a log the other day and landed in a pond of shallow water and was attacked by almost a swarm of mosquitoes, does that mean that I've offended the mosquito spirit?
        Most definitely. I work closely with the mosquito spirit and for $200 I can make amends for you.

        A complete stranger gave me a funny look in the supermarket a few weeks ago and now everything has been going wrong. Have I been cursed and if so how do I fix it?
        http://thefeministpagan.blogspot.co.uk/

        Comment

          #34
          Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

          Originally posted by shadow1982 View Post
          A complete stranger gave me a funny look in the supermarket a few weeks ago and now everything has been going wrong. Have I been cursed and if so how do I fix it?
          They most certainly gave you the Evil Eye. Slather your body with honey and sit on a red ant hill. It'll hurt, but the ants will eat the hex right up.

          I tried putting a love spell on this really cute guy at school but now he won't leave me alone and it's really annoying. How can I make him go away?
          Children love and want to be loved and they very much prefer the joy of accomplishment to the triumph of hateful failure. Do not mistake a child for his symptom.
          -Erik Erikson

          Comment

            #35
            Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

            I find that shotguns work...

            anyone know how to conjure gold out of thin air?
            life itself was a lightsaber in his hands; even in the face of treachery and death and hopes gone cold, he burned like a candle in the darkness. Like a star shining in the black eternity of space.

            Yoda: Dark Rendezvous

            "But those men who know anything at all about the Light also know that there is a fierceness to its power, like the bare sword of the law, or the white burning of the sun." Suddenly his voice sounded to Will very strong, and very Welsh. "At the very heart, that is. Other things, like humanity, and mercy, and charity, that most good men hold more precious than all else, they do not come first for the Light. Oh, sometimes they are there; often, indeed. But in the very long run the concern of you people is with the absolute good, ahead of all else..."

            John Rowlands, The Grey King by Susan Cooper

            "You come from the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve", said Aslan. "And that is both honour enough to erect the head of the poorest beggar, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth; be content."

            Aslan, Prince Caspian by CS Lewis


            Comment

              #36
              Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

              Originally posted by MaskedOne View Post
              anyone know how to conjure gold out of thin air?
              Yes, but the air isn't thin enough on this planet, you need to be in outer space with a ton of feathers, a sage plant and a life-size statue of the buddha. Then preform the ritual of the falling star...

              I want this boy to ask me to marry him, does anyone know a spell that will 100% work?
              http://catcrowsnow.blogspot.com/

              But they were doughnuts of darkness. Evil damned doughnuts, tainted by the spawn of darkness.... Which could obviously only be redeemed by passing through the fiery inferno of my digestive tract.
              ~Jim Butcher

              Comment

                #37
                Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                Ye olde invocation of absolute terror by way of high explosives (what? no one specified that he had to want the marriage and if explosives don't get the desired request you aren't using enough of them)

                Zere be a hellhound wandering around my neighborhood, what do I do?
                life itself was a lightsaber in his hands; even in the face of treachery and death and hopes gone cold, he burned like a candle in the darkness. Like a star shining in the black eternity of space.

                Yoda: Dark Rendezvous

                "But those men who know anything at all about the Light also know that there is a fierceness to its power, like the bare sword of the law, or the white burning of the sun." Suddenly his voice sounded to Will very strong, and very Welsh. "At the very heart, that is. Other things, like humanity, and mercy, and charity, that most good men hold more precious than all else, they do not come first for the Light. Oh, sometimes they are there; often, indeed. But in the very long run the concern of you people is with the absolute good, ahead of all else..."

                John Rowlands, The Grey King by Susan Cooper

                "You come from the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve", said Aslan. "And that is both honour enough to erect the head of the poorest beggar, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth; be content."

                Aslan, Prince Caspian by CS Lewis


                Comment

                  #38
                  Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                  Stop calling your sister names. Just put a hex on her, instead.







                  I wrote my very first witchy spell, The Foolproof Invisibility Spell. But I think it works too well or something. Nobody will talk to me, now. Can you help me?




                  "Reason is not automatic. Those who deny it cannot be conquered by it." - Ayn Rand

                  "Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." - Marcus Aurelius

                  "The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice." - Mark Twain

                  "The only gossip I'm interested in is things from the Weekly World News - 'Woman's bra bursts, 11 injured'. That kind of thing." - Johnny Depp


                  Comment

                    #39
                    Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                    Liquid latex. Strip down and cover yourself in it. Sure conversation starter.

                    How do I psychically connect to my turtles? They don't seem very interested in talking to me.
                    Last edited by Jasmine; 18 Sep 2012, 07:14. Reason: typo
                    ~J

                    "The very young do not always do as they are told."

                    Comment

                      #40
                      Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                      Originally posted by Jasmine View Post
                      How do I psychically connect to my turtles? They don't seem very interested in talking to me.
                      That is because your brain is not attuned to them. You need to eat 1,000 turtle brains to attune your brain to them. Then you need to restart your brain, the best way to do that is through blunt force trauma.

                      I think I'm psychic 'cause I totally guessed how that movie was going to end! How can I make my powers work all the time?
                      http://catcrowsnow.blogspot.com/

                      But they were doughnuts of darkness. Evil damned doughnuts, tainted by the spawn of darkness.... Which could obviously only be redeemed by passing through the fiery inferno of my digestive tract.
                      ~Jim Butcher

                      Comment

                        #41
                        Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                        Originally posted by Maria de Luna View Post
                        That is because your brain is not attuned to them. You need to eat 1,000 turtle brains to attune your brain to them. Then you need to restart your brain, the best way to do that is through blunt force trauma.

                        I think I'm psychic 'cause I totally guessed how that movie was going to end! How can I make my powers work all the time?

                        Simple! Just strip naked and sleep in a freshly dug grave with the skin of a freshly slaughtered pig draped over you, your face, hands, chest, and genitals covered in cremains. But only after you have fire crucifixes set around the grave, and lit on fire so that anything within a country mile (physically and astrally) can see where you are, and only after drinking a cup of the sacrificed pig's blood laced with DMT in order to experience full spiritual communion.


                        I recently tried this ritual I had translated for me by a friend of mine in the Anthropology department from this really old babylonian scroll.....but I can't recall the ritual, my house smells like a stall no matter how much I clean it, my dog is missing, my cats won't look me in the eye, and I seem to attract centipedes by the truckload no matter where I go, big ones too. What did I do wrong?

                        Comment

                          #42
                          Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                          Originally posted by Anaconda View Post
                          I recently tried this ritual I had translated for me by a friend of mine in the Anthropology department from this really old babylonian scroll.....but I can't recall the ritual, my house smells like a stall no matter how much I clean it, my dog is missing, my cats won't look me in the eye, and I seem to attract centipedes by the truckload no matter where I go, big ones too. What did I do wrong?
                          Absolutely nothing, Oh Great Harbinger of the Many-Legged Horde. The ancient scripture merely unlocked Your true nature. You are the Centipede God. Revel in Your many segments, oh Ancient-One-Who-Scuttles-Across-Outhouse-Floors! Go forth and maketh grown men squeal like the four-year-old girls they truly are!


                          Does anyone have a love spell they could give me?
                          The forum member formerly known as perzephone. Or Perze. I've shed a skin.

                          Comment

                            #43
                            Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                            Originally posted by perzephone View Post
                            Does anyone have a love spell they could give me?
                            Absolutely!




                            Oh. You wanted to know what it was? 5 easy steps: shower, nice dress, makeup, hairspray and perfume. *Works for both genders.




                            My boyfriend beat me up so bad that I had to go to the hospital. What's the best curse to put on him?




                            "Reason is not automatic. Those who deny it cannot be conquered by it." - Ayn Rand

                            "Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." - Marcus Aurelius

                            "The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice." - Mark Twain

                            "The only gossip I'm interested in is things from the Weekly World News - 'Woman's bra bursts, 11 injured'. That kind of thing." - Johnny Depp


                            Comment

                              #44
                              Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                              combat evocation of .357 bullet between the eyes

                              how do I dodge 3-fold return?
                              life itself was a lightsaber in his hands; even in the face of treachery and death and hopes gone cold, he burned like a candle in the darkness. Like a star shining in the black eternity of space.

                              Yoda: Dark Rendezvous

                              "But those men who know anything at all about the Light also know that there is a fierceness to its power, like the bare sword of the law, or the white burning of the sun." Suddenly his voice sounded to Will very strong, and very Welsh. "At the very heart, that is. Other things, like humanity, and mercy, and charity, that most good men hold more precious than all else, they do not come first for the Light. Oh, sometimes they are there; often, indeed. But in the very long run the concern of you people is with the absolute good, ahead of all else..."

                              John Rowlands, The Grey King by Susan Cooper

                              "You come from the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve", said Aslan. "And that is both honour enough to erect the head of the poorest beggar, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth; be content."

                              Aslan, Prince Caspian by CS Lewis


                              Comment

                                #45
                                Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                                Sacrifice 3 30 year old virgin males, and drain their bood into 3 ancient urns. Do this on the 3rd fullmoon at the third hour. then after 3 weeks drink all of the blood from one urn each night for three nights. Then chop off an arm while singing the invocation of the gods. That'll do it!

                                I got fired a week ago so I did a spell to make me a millionaire, I still don't have any money, what can I do to make it work better?
                                http://catcrowsnow.blogspot.com/

                                But they were doughnuts of darkness. Evil damned doughnuts, tainted by the spawn of darkness.... Which could obviously only be redeemed by passing through the fiery inferno of my digestive tract.
                                ~Jim Butcher

                                Comment

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