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What Not to Say to a Newbie

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    #76
    Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

    It's prolly too heavy for their ray beams.

    Why don't I hear or see anything when I turn the TV to the fuzzy channel?
    We are what we are. Nothing more, nothing less. There is good and evil among every kind of people. It's the evil among us who rule now. -Anne Bishop, Daughter of the Blood

    I wondered if he could ever understand that it was a blessing, not a sin, to be graced with more than one love.
    It could be complicated; of course it could be complicated. And it opened one up to the possibility of more pain and loss.
    Still, it was a blessing I would never relinquish. Love, genuine love, was always a cause for joy.
    -Jacqueline Carey, Naamah's Curse

    Service to your fellows is the root of peace.

    Comment

      #77
      Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

      Are you trying the negative channels? Bring your tv, with generator and sattelite, to where you normally cast your circle and tune to channel -13, -0 if you own a Panasonic. You have to then get 12 Guy Fieri pictures and color the eyes black with consecrated Rose Art crayons (Crayola is protected against magical use by the manufacturer). Then after a few minutes of bleating like a goat, you should then be able to travel into the tv realm known as The Static.

      Today, I read that you go to hell if you worship one of the gods from Dungeons & Dragons. I'm really worried because last week I found out my patron is the Chained God.

      Comment

        #78
        Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

        Originally posted by thoraxepi View Post
        Today, I read that you go to hell if you worship one of the gods from Dungeons & Dragons. I'm really worried because last week I found out my patron is the Chained God.
        Don't worry - Hell isn't all that bad. You get three squares and a cot, time and a half for overtime, double time on holidays (Christmas not included), and gauranteed job security for all of eternity.


        My cat is possessed by a demon. That isn't the problem, though. The demon that possess my cat has been possessed by and angel, and this is causing the cat to behave oddly (it kisses mice, for instance). Is there any way to exorcise the angel without also exorcising the demon? I don't want to lose my demonic familar.
        Every moment of a life is a horrible tragedy, a slapstick comedy, dark nihilism, golden illumination, or nothing at all; depending on how we write the story we tell ourselves.

        Comment

          #79
          Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

          Put the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" in the DVD player and fast forward it to the part where Clarence the angle try's to jump in the river. Angels can't resist helping other angles so when it passes into the TV set shut it off and destroy the disk and the angle will be stuck in it. The cat and it's demon will be unaffected by any of this.

          I used my cauldron to make candy apples and now it's all sticky, can I still use it to cast spells?
          Gargoyles watch over me...I can hear them snicker in the dark.


          Pull the operating handle (which protrudes from the right side of the receiver) smartly to the rear and release it.

          Comment

            #80
            Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

            Yes, but the only spell it's good for now is some strange, ancient plague spell that attracts hoards of ants.

            Can I perform the Great Rite with rubber genital models?
            Children love and want to be loved and they very much prefer the joy of accomplishment to the triumph of hateful failure. Do not mistake a child for his symptom.
            -Erik Erikson

            Comment

              #81
              Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

              Originally posted by Clive View Post
              Can I perform the Great Rite with rubber genital models?
              You sure can just remember to practice safe sex magic, and remember what Freddy Mercury said "Brown or pink stop and think!" So remember to wrap that rascal!

              I bought my magic wand at the dollar store and it didn't come with battery's. Is it all right for me to use it without them?
              Gargoyles watch over me...I can hear them snicker in the dark.


              Pull the operating handle (which protrudes from the right side of the receiver) smartly to the rear and release it.

              Comment

                #82
                Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                No, that light is a very special thing. It calls all the fairies and repels the demons.

                Is it alright to call on Satan and the Archangel Micheal at the same time?
                We are what we are. Nothing more, nothing less. There is good and evil among every kind of people. It's the evil among us who rule now. -Anne Bishop, Daughter of the Blood

                I wondered if he could ever understand that it was a blessing, not a sin, to be graced with more than one love.
                It could be complicated; of course it could be complicated. And it opened one up to the possibility of more pain and loss.
                Still, it was a blessing I would never relinquish. Love, genuine love, was always a cause for joy.
                -Jacqueline Carey, Naamah's Curse

                Service to your fellows is the root of peace.

                Comment

                  #83
                  Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                  Sure, go for it. Just be sure to don an asbestos body suit first.

                  My boss really ticked me off today and I want to get back at him hardcore. How can I curse him without him noticing?
                  Children love and want to be loved and they very much prefer the joy of accomplishment to the triumph of hateful failure. Do not mistake a child for his symptom.
                  -Erik Erikson

                  Comment

                    #84
                    Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                    Stick a note on his back saying "kick me".

                    What are some awsome spell books?

                    Comment

                      #85
                      Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                      Originally posted by AL!CE View Post
                      What are some awsome spell books?
                      As a hipster witch, I could tell you, but you've probably never heard of them.

                      How do I make a mandala? Does it involve sheep's blood, I'm a vegetarian.


                      Mostly art.

                      Comment

                        #86
                        Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                        Traditionally it involved sheeps guts but you can get synthetic strings now.

                        My friend says he's a level 39 witch, how do I get to be that cool?

                        Comment

                          #87
                          Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                          Originally posted by AL!CE View Post
                          Traditionally it involved sheeps guts but you can get synthetic strings now.

                          My friend says he's a level 39 witch, how do I get to be that cool?
                          Just tell people that you are a number 40. If anybody questions your great knowledge, sigh and say quietly, under your breath, "They've made so little progress in the last 500 years."


                          I'd like to be reincarnated as something really cool, like a tiger or a shark. What karmic debt will I have to incur for this to happen?
                          Every moment of a life is a horrible tragedy, a slapstick comedy, dark nihilism, golden illumination, or nothing at all; depending on how we write the story we tell ourselves.

                          Comment

                            #88
                            Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                            Squash every bug in a fifty mile radius and you should be good.

                            My sister has a very black cat, should I make her get rid of it because it's bad luck or should I try to steal it to be my familiar?
                            We are what we are. Nothing more, nothing less. There is good and evil among every kind of people. It's the evil among us who rule now. -Anne Bishop, Daughter of the Blood

                            I wondered if he could ever understand that it was a blessing, not a sin, to be graced with more than one love.
                            It could be complicated; of course it could be complicated. And it opened one up to the possibility of more pain and loss.
                            Still, it was a blessing I would never relinquish. Love, genuine love, was always a cause for joy.
                            -Jacqueline Carey, Naamah's Curse

                            Service to your fellows is the root of peace.

                            Comment

                              #89
                              Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                              Originally posted by Shahaku View Post

                              My sister has a very black cat, should I make her get rid of it because it's bad luck or should I try to steal it to be my familiar?
                              Aren't those essentially the same thing? By stealing it, you are ridding your sister of the cat. Of course then you'd have a bad luck familiar.

                              Is there a spell I can cast to create a pet dragon?
                              In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time. ~~ Edward P. Tryon

                              Comment

                                #90
                                Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                                By candle light, read the Necronomicon with your left eye whilst listening to Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon' and at the same time watch an episode of the 'Magic Roundabout' with your right eye. It has to be the episode with the hats. At the very moment you hear the words "I am a Mexican hat." you must shut the Necronomicon and say the name... "Bob". If this doesn't get you a Dragon I don't know what will.

                                I want to turn my cheating ex-boyfriend into a girl. Is there a spell for that?

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