Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

[Rhaethe]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

Oh, you are very clearly correct (at least in my case) that I only know what has been publicly posted. And I personally have made some possibly incorrect inferences and assumptions. I will not deny that. I will further agree that I honestly think that there was miscommunication on both parts, that they both went into this arrangement unwisely, and there is most likely a hell of a lot underlying things going on that are complicating matters. My logical and reasoned self denies none of that.

My very biased opinion of "Fuck him" made by my emotional self remains the same, however. And probably not for the reason you might think, though maybe you might ... dunno, am not you, so I cannot know.

[kalynraye]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

No I completely agree there is very little known about the other half. I will also go so far as to say I feel you are defending the boyfriend. However from what she has said they moved in together into a new place with a brand new lease, and I am assuming and we know what they say about people who assume, that being said they are on the lease together. Because I have never known a place that would let one person be on the lease and another not be and have animals. When applying for apartments if that person is denied they cannot live in the apartment, and yes I know you can sneak animals in and so forth but not three.

I will however stick by earlier opinion that they end it. A month in and they fight constantly, over dishes, over dinner, over not enough sex, over the cats and everything about them. But that of course is up to her.

[monsno_leedra]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

No I completely agree there is very little known about the other half. I will also go so far as to say I feel you are defending the boyfriend. However from what she has said they moved in together into a new place with a brand new lease, and I am assuming and we know what they say about people who assume, that being said they are on the lease together. Because I have never known a place that would let one person be on the lease and another not be and have animals. When applying for apartments if that person is denied they cannot live in the apartment, and yes I know you can sneak animals in and so forth but not three.

I will however stick by earlier opinion that they end it. A month in and they fight constantly, over dishes, over dinner, over not enough sex, over the cats and everything about them. But that of course is up to her.

Bolded mine, Sadly I've seen it many times over the years. Especially with boyfriend / girlfriend relationships and the landlord never really knows as its a flat rental price regardless of how many people live there and the landlords make rare visits to check the property. Pet wise, cats are easy to bring into a no pet apartment its dogs that are hard to hide and bring in as they tend to need more outside time, especially if they are larger dogs. Many times neighbors say nothing unless you piss them off for some reason and they want revenge it seems.

We must have read differing paragraphs pertaining to them moving in together, what I read in her initial post is that her and her cats moved in with him not that they moved into an apartment together with a new lease.

I expressed my concerns about these issues before we moved in and he assured me it wasn't going to be a problem

But I admit I could be wrong in how I read it.

As far as ending or keeping it i've seen worse and i've seen better over the years start off pretty similar. It will all depend upon how honest and truthful they are willing to be and communicate it to decide if they should stay or part. The worse situations or the best situations hinge upon communications, without it none of it matters in my opinion.

[Rhaethe]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

We must have read differing paragraphs pertaining to them moving in together, what I read in her initial post is that her and her cats moved in with him not that they moved into an apartment together with a new lease. But I admit I could be wrong in how I read it.

Multiple statements made in this thread would give one reason to believe that they moved in together under a new lease just a month ago. It is entirely possible that only one person is on the lease, however, but the place itself was entered in at the same time by both. Bolded bit mine.

We are now a month into a one-year contract

And we're one month into a 12 month lease.

Yes, we've been living together for only a month. ... He knows that cats have hair, and we have taken some measures to decrease the issue, such as renting a place with tile throughout ...

Edited to add:

It will all depend upon how honest and truthful they are willing to be and communicate it to decide if they should stay or part. The worse situations or the best situations hinge upon communications, without it none of it matters in my opinion.

This is it in a nutshell. I still think boyfriend is a jackoff, though.

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And now that we kind of derailed her thread, let's see if we can get it back on track with useful advice that requires no assumptions on our part. Young kitty avoiding the litterbox a lot and middle kitty missing the box sometimes. Failing to use the litter box is a common behavior problem in cats. Fortunately, it can usually be resolved. First you will want to know why kitties are having issues. Here are the typical culprits:

Medical issues: fair number of things here can be the culprit, but need to see a vet to rule them out

Urine Marking: Don't confuse spraying done by intact males and sometimes intact females with urine marking. Is two diff things.

Reasons for urine marking include the following:

-- There are multiple cats in the household. Cats have lots of ways to leave messages for each other, and one way is through pee. Normally they don't graffiti a place, but in response to stress or anxiety it can happen.
-- There has been a change in the household. Cats hate change and can become stressed. It can be triggered by someone moving in, moving out, changing work hours, etc. One of the ways a cat will deal with this stress is by marking their territory. They might do it to declare the place is theirs, or they might do it to provide the comfort of their own scent, which is something familiar in a place full of unfamiliar.
-- There is conflict. There might be conflict between the cats in the house, or there is a response to something they are seeing outside or even inside thought not amongst the cats. Peeing around outside the box in response to this is often anxiety based rather than intolerance based.

Now, there are those that say in a multiple cat household you need one litterbox per cat plus one. Others say just one litterbox per cat. Others say it depends. If you did fine with just two boxes before, logic states you should be fine with two now, but that very well could have changed with the move. Do make sure that the boxes are all in low-traffic areas with at least two exit routes. They are in a new place, which means its scary, so you will want to make sure the boxes are in a place where they can feel assured they are safe to do their business. Popping a squat makes you feel vulnerable, ya know? And make absolutely sure the boxes are away from the food and water bowls.

That is what you can try first, without necessaitating a trip to the vet. Other remedial actions involve time, and knowing the actual cause of the problem.

If that makes sense.

[DanieMarie]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

First off, rubbing their noses in it is NOT the way to deal with the peeing issue. I know someone else recommended it, but from both experience and research, I learned this often sends the message that that is a place where they can pee. It's not a good idea.
It's hard to say why he is peeing everywhere. My old cat did so because of anxiety issues. Whenever I'd start a new job or situations changed (including when my boyfriend moved in), he'd start peeing on the floor. I dealt with it by trying to make the house a more comfortable place for him when I wasn't there and by having bonding time between him and my BF (luckily, he LOVES cats...he actually cried when the kitty died). I've also heard good things about those pheromone plug-ins but never tried them with that cat. Our current cat also has anxiety issues but deals with them in different ways (bursts of aggression and scratching). We set up "cat" areas around the house where he can watch what's going on and are trying to find more toys for him so that he gets active and lets out his frustrations in healthy ways. It's working well.

My old kitty also used to get bladder infections from time to time, which caused him to pee. A health issue could also be the culprit. Just something to keep in mind.

As for the hair, get a vacuum! I find that sweeping just stirs it up until it settles back into the ground. I'm not sure how cheap you can get a vacuum there, but if they're expensive, check out eBay or Craigslist for a used one. It will help a lot...You can also use the upholstery attachment to vacuum the furniture.

The cat that poops out of the litter box isn't really doing anything wrong, but you can help fix that issue by getting a bigger box. My old cat used to do it and a bigger box totally fixed the problem. He never missed again until just before he died, when he didn't always make it there.

Your boyfriend also has to do some adjusting though. there is no way to live with cats without ever getting -any- hair on you and yes, sometimes they will have accidents or puke. If he can't deal with that, how can he possibly deal with kids (kids are messssssyyyyy!)? Judging from this thread and another one you made, it kind of sounds like he's being a bit of an ass. Now, he might not be like that always. When I moved in with my BF, we had a good 2-3 month period where we fought constantly about everything. He was working a night shift and neither of us had lived with a significant other, so there was a lot of stress and a big adjustment period. We got through it, and you might too, but if he doesn't eventually stop acting the way he is, that could also be an issue. There are ways to vent your frustrations and share concerns without using the kind of wording and tone (or how it seems, anyway) that he is.

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Whose name is on the lease? That is the deciding factor. If his then its his game and you play by his rules or leave. If yours then your the caller and set the rules. If both then you either work it out or pay the penalty for breaking your half of the agreement if that's what you decide upon.

I'm sorry, but no. If you live together and are in a relationship, you BOTH make the rules. I OWN the place we live in...there is no lease, there is a property title, and it is MY name on it. I STILL do not think I get to make up the rules. When he moved in, it became our place and we cooperate and work together to make our home a nice place to live.

[Medusa]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

Maybe your cats are protesting your awful choice in boyfriend. Girl. Ditch him. No shame in making a mistake.

[Rae'ya]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

My boyfriend went and smacked my cat a few days ago, and I went off. Today, he drug him through the hall and dug his face in the tile all over where the pee was and that's what started the fight. I've told him to never lay hands on my cats again, but I don't know how this is going to work.

Some aspects of living with cats are unfixable. Cat hair everywhere is a thing. Cat barf is a thing. I don't know how to solve those issues. And we're one month into a 12 month lease.

My immediate reaction is 'Dump the prick. Now'. If I saw my boyfriend (hell, my husband) treat an animal like that he would be out of there so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. This is 100% a deal breaker for me. This is NOT an acceptable way to treat an animal. End of story.

Who is more important to you? The man or your cats? There's your answer.

[monsno_leedra]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

First off, rubbing their noses in it is NOT the way to deal with the peeing issue. I know someone else recommended it, but from both experience and research, I learned this often sends the message that that is a place where they can pee. It's not a good idea.

Since i'm the one who brought it up just want to make sure its understood I'm not endorsing or suggesting it as a practice. Just acknowledging that it's a common method used by a lot of people so understand why it would be resorted to as a teaching / correction method.

My old kitty also used to get bladder infections from time to time, which caused him to pee. A health issue could also be the culprit. Just something to keep in mind.

A bladder issue seems logical. One of our cats had that issue, from the brand of cat food we were using at the time I think was the culprit that caused it.

As for the hair, get a vacuum! I find that sweeping just stirs it up until it settles back into the ground. I'm not sure how cheap you can get a vacuum there, but if they're expensive, check out eBay or Craigslist for a used one. It will help a lot...You can also use the upholstery attachment to vacuum the furniture.

I'd suggest many of the wet wipes type things work well also for picking up hair.

I'm sorry, but no. If you live together and are in a relationship, you BOTH make the rules. I OWN the place we live in...there is no lease, there is a property title, and it is MY name on it. I STILL do not think I get to make up the rules. When he moved in, it became our place and we cooperate and work together to make our home a nice place to live.

In a perfect world i'd agree but we don't live in a perfect world. Nor do we really live in a world where long term relationships are the norm in the order they used to be. If it comes down to a pissing match the name on the lease is the owner / renter not the one who moved in. About the only exception I've seen to that is when children are involved then the court may decide the children become proxy owners and one parent has to provide for them even if it means they move out and leave the lease in their name though the other party and children remain.

But in a perfect world I agree you'd enter into the relationship as equals and jointly decide things.

[Rae'ya]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

And now that we kind of derailed her thread, let's see if we can get it back on track with useful advice that requires no assumptions on our part. Young kitty avoiding the litterbox a lot and middle kitty missing the box sometimes. Failing to use the litter box is a common behavior problem in cats. Fortunately, it can usually be resolved. First you will want to know why kitties are having issues. Here are the typical culprits:

Medical issues: fair number of things here can be the culprit, but need to see a vet to rule them out

Urine Marking: Don't confuse spraying done by intact males and sometimes intact females with urine marking. Is two diff things.

Reasons for urine marking include the following:

-- There are multiple cats in the household. Cats have lots of ways to leave messages for each other, and one way is through pee. Normally they don't graffiti a place, but in response to stress or anxiety it can happen.
-- There has been a change in the household. Cats hate change and can become stressed. It can be triggered by someone moving in, moving out, changing work hours, etc. One of the ways a cat will deal with this stress is by marking their territory. They might do it to declare the place is theirs, or they might do it to provide the comfort of their own scent, which is something familiar in a place full of unfamiliar.
-- There is conflict. There might be conflict between the cats in the house, or there is a response to something they are seeing outside or even inside thought not amongst the cats. Peeing around outside the box in response to this is often anxiety based rather than intolerance based.

Now, there are those that say in a multiple cat household you need one litterbox per cat plus one. Others say just one litterbox per cat. Others say it depends. If you did fine with just two boxes before, logic states you should be fine with two now, but that very well could have changed with the move. Do make sure that the boxes are all in low-traffic areas with at least two exit routes. They are in a new place, which means its scary, so you will want to make sure the boxes are in a place where they can feel assured they are safe to do their business. Popping a squat makes you feel vulnerable, ya know? And make absolutely sure the boxes are away from the food and water bowls.

That is what you can try first, without necessaitating a trip to the vet. Other remedial actions involve time, and knowing the actual cause of the problem.

If that makes sense.

Quoting this because it's what I was going to say, pretty much to the letter.

The official recommendation is one litter tray per cat PLUS ONE. Make sure they are in a QUIET, low traffic area that is unlikely to have sudden surprises while they are using their tray. Also try to be in a place where one cat can't ambush the others trying to get to the trays (which is more common than you may expect).

For the younger cat: anxiety is a BIG culprit with urinating in inappropriate places. Rhaethe touched on this, but I want to emphasise it. If anxiety is the problem, your boyfriend will not be helping this situation. First of all, get two more boxes (three cats = four litter trays). Make sure they are in an appropriate place in your house. Clean them every day (as you are doing), but ideally after every use (most cats actually don't like to reuse boxes). If he tends to pee in the same place then put a litter tray on that exact spot (yes, even if it is in the middle of the lounge room floor), then slowly move it an inch at a time back to an appropriate place.

Take him to the vet, and take a urine sample with you. He could have a bladder infection. He could have another medial problem. He could have anxiety. The vet can help you with all these things, or rule them out for you (though beware that not all vets are very skilled at anxiety and behaviour problems, particularly in cats).

As for middle cat: Some cats miss the box because their aim is just off. As far as they are concerned, they are in the box and doing the right thing, it's just that they pee over the side because their butt is hanging out. Get a bigger box. Or get one of those covered litter boxes. Our clinic cat pees over the side every single time he pees, because he sits in the box and his butt hangs out. So we use a covered box for him. Problem solved.

Rubbing their nose in it IS NOT an acceptable way to toilet train animals. It is an incredibly outdated method and it doesn't work anyway. Plus it is liable to increase anxiety surrounding toileting and actually make it worse rather than better. I don't care what he or anyone else says. It's no longer acceptable to do this.

Hair... sticky rollers. And I call bullshit on his 'sterile environment' excuse. If that's truly the case then he will have PPE to wear at work, as well as special transit rooms and procedures to ensure that he's not taking things in with him. True sterile environments have procedures and equipment in place to make sure that it doesn't matter what you pick up at home.

Sleeping in your room. Your cat slept there for six years. It will take him time to adjust to not being allowed in the bedroom at night. Ignore him. Stick cardboard to the outside of your door to ensure that he doesn't scratch the door up, and put a rug on the floor to protect the carpet. And please make sure that he has an alternative place to sleep... a bed of his own, maybe with a hot water bottle so that he can snuggle up to something warm. You just changed the rules on him for no apparent reason, it's going to take him a bit to get used to it.

- - - Updated - - -

As an aside... I apologise if I'm a bit short in this post. I've had a long day, dealing with people being idiots about their animals, and I'm a bit cranky. That's not your fault.

[DanieMarie]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

In a perfect world i'd agree but we don't live in a perfect world. Nor do we really live in a world where long term relationships are the norm in the order they used to be. If it comes down to a pissing match the name on the lease is the owner / renter not the one who moved in. About the only exception I've seen to that is when children are involved then the court may decide the children become proxy owners and one parent has to provide for them even if it means they move out and leave the lease in their name though the other party and children remain.

But in a perfect world I agree you'd enter into the relationship as equals and jointly decide things.

I don't live in a perfect world either, but I do live in a world where self-fulfilling prophecies are a thing. I respect that each couple sets the boundaries of their relationships, but I feel that if we expect the relationship to fail and do not treat each others as equals, we are setting ourselves up to fail. I didn't go into my relationship expecting it to fail, I went into it expecting to build a future together, which involves making decisions together. Although it is my place and I am the one who will bear the financial burden of any damage, I feel that treating my boyfriend as a tenant undermines our relationship and undermines his agency as an equal partner in our relationship. I don't impose rules on him; we decide what the rules are together and we both follow them. I don't like the idea of treating our relationship like it's going to fail. It might fail, but I'd rather approach it as a partnership where we work together and solve problems together. If it doesn't work at any point, then we'll have to sort through that as well too. Until then, we are a team.

[Tylluan Penry]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

I don't live in a perfect world either, but I do live in a world where self-fulfilling prophecies are a thing. I respect that each couple sets the boundaries of their relationships, but I feel that if we expect the relationship to fail and do not treat each others as equals, we are setting ourselves up to fail. I didn't go into my relationship expecting it to fail, I went into it expecting to build a future together, which involves making decisions together. Although it is my place and I am the one who will bear the financial burden of any damage, I feel that treating my boyfriend as a tenant undermines our relationship and undermines his agency as an equal partner in our relationship. I don't impose rules on him; we decide what the rules are together and we both follow them. I don't like the idea of treating our relationship like it's going to fail. It might fail, but I'd rather approach it as a partnership where we work together and solve problems together. If it doesn't work at any point, then we'll have to sort through that as well too. Until then, we are a team.

Mr Penry and I gave up on rules a long, long time ago. Neither of us was going to take a blind bit of notice. But the important things - like being kind to animals, children - and each other! - were already in place. Where the dogs pee (which at the moment is just about anywhere, but that's a long story!) doesn't matter in the great scheme of things.

What I have noticed though, is that in those relationship where small things trigger big rows, there is almost always an elephant in the room somewhere. The small things are generally a cover for other, more important things that nobody wants to acknowledge have gone way, way wrong.

[DanieMarie]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

Mr Penry and I gave up on rules a long, long time ago. Neither of us was going to take a blind bit of notice. But the important things - like being kind to animals, children - and each other! - were already in place. Where the dogs pee (which at the moment is just about anywhere, but that's a long story!) doesn't matter in the great scheme of things.

What I have noticed though, is that in those relationship where small things trigger big rows, there is almost always an elephant in the room somewhere. The small things are generally a cover for other, more important things that nobody wants to acknowledge have gone way, way wrong.

Yeah, I agree.

We moved in together fairly early in our relationship (after 7 months), so we still had to establish a lot of ground as a couple at that point. But obviously being kind to the cat was a given! That's kind of just who he is though....we didn't have to establish that fact because he just likes animals and so obviously he's nice to them.

The cat we have now is his cat too, so we share the cost of keeping him and share the work in taking care of him. I took on the responsibility for the old cat because I had him for years before we met and felt it wasn't his choice to have a cat. We got Albert together, though, so we're both responsible for him. We were sort of phasing in responsibility for Petz as well, but then he died....

[DanieMarie]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

Back to the cats issue:

My boyfriend and I have been watching this show called "My Cat From Hell"....it's kind of a cat version of the Dog Whisperer. It's really helpful and there are a lot of great tips on how to make cats feel more comfortable, how to interact with them, and stuff like that. There are quite a few back episodes on YouTube. Maybe you and your BF could watch it together?

[Cerdivae Song]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

I suggest a bit of isolation for kitty. Put him in a mostly empty room, with his food, water, toys, and the litter box. This is how I got my older cat, Bully, littertrained. Thoroughly cleaning the spots he's peed on also may help, and using kitty repellent or something that smells bad to kitty, on those areas. I hope this helps, dear.

[thalassa]

Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

Thoroughly cleaning the spots he's peed on also may help.

This stuff works pretty well for pet odor.